Seen & Heard #1
My friend told me about how she was on the train and a young couple- about 17 years old on train- #2 headed uptown, discussing the details of their relationship. The girl, clearly upset with the guy because she feels like they don't do anything except have sexual relations- she says "Daddy, why when you come over, we just have sex". (Who the f*ck is "DADDY" guess b/c she doesn't have one she calls anyone with a penis "Daddy")
To which the young prince charming replies- in a loud voice "Whachu mean? Don't I f*ck you right every night?!" My friend is squinting in disgust as this point. The young lady can't get a word in edge wise, as Prince Charming continues "I know alot of other b*tches dat would love to have this d*ck in they mouth!" Both my friend and another man on the train had that look like they just saw a ghost- mouths agape, heads shaking in disgust- The girl tries to get Prince charming to lower his voice as he continues "I don't give f*ck who can hear!" Apparently...
I'm writing a new book "Act like a dummy, get treated like a hoe!"
In Stores SOON!
Seen & Heard #2...
Hubby is at work- on the computer- he works in a showroom. The doors to the store are open- balloons etc. A woman is standing outside of the store about 10 ft from the door, his phone rings.
He picks up, "hello, XYZ how can I help you?" A woman says "Uh yes I can't seem to find the entrance to your store", hubby says, "we are right next to the dental office, when you come up the stairs on your right." She's repeating him "... next to Dental office", but as she continues to speak, he notices- it's the woman standing OUTSIDE the fuggin' store! He just stares at her as she looks directly into the store and continues to try to get him to describe what the store looks like.
So she continues, "I'm looking for a guy named John* (names have been changed for Immigration purposes) but all I see is a black guy in the store."...
Hubby pauses, stands up so he can let her know that he knows she's the one standing outside the store on the phone, then he says to her "Wooowwwwww, the black guy in the store IS named John."
She threw her hands over her mouth and said "Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" Turns around and runs down the stairs and sends her husband in the store ...
Today's word: ASSumption
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Cocksure!
I once heard a quote that went something like -
The untalented and unintelligent are cocksure, while the most talented and intelligent are full of self doubt...
And this week, I got a call from a family member that proved this quote is true beyond a shadow of a doubt. Damn shame that you can't pick your family because if I could- I'd have to exchange this one in for "Roscoe the Wino"...
So I get an email that starts out "Hey Crazy Lady"... but after I finished reading I realized- this mofo is the one who is clearly crazy! The email starts out by family member- we'll call "Jackass" (you'll see why in a minute) telling me how he's emailing me from the library and he's tired of the "bitch" he's with, she doesn't do anything for him and how he has to go to court for another "bitch" who's suing him for child support. I know your saying to yourself- "Damn how can I get with this hunk of manliness?"...
So he continues in the email to tell me that he needs $20. Nice- I knew the real reason for the correspondence was in there somewhere. I had previously told this Shepard for the Devil that I am not working and don't have any money (I'm workin' but his ass don't need to know that). So he continues, "I know you don't have a job or any money but I need 20 dollars before March 26 so if you save maybe 50 cents a day by then you will have it."
oh yeah you read that right...he told ME to save 50 cents a day... ME! WTF??? I mean really?!?!? The effort it took you to walk your skanky ass to the library and waste energy typing that fuggin' e-mail you could've taken your monkey ass a step further and asked the librarian "yall hiring?"... Now, I know she would've said no, because I'm pretty sure she could see that you were wrapped in "I don't read a muthafuggin' thing" paper and "WTF I need a book for" ribbon but effort would have been nice!
I had to admit the first time I just skimmed the email, saw "crazy bitch won't help me", saw court then saw $20 and closed the email. I almost sent him the money along with 7 job listings... it was Sunday, I just finished watching a Joel Osteen program- so I got caught up... but the devil got people dressed up in character and I almost got taken down! Then I re-read the email, cuz the lil Quiet Storm voice told me to read that shit again- along with the feeling that I was about to be hit in the head with a shovel caused me to pause and shake my head to regain my focus...and as I re-read that shit I was floored, absolutely floored- how the eff u gonna tell me to save the money... FOR YOU!!
I had spoken to this idiot before my 2nd reading of the "letter from the Devil"... he was telling me that he was taking some stuff to the pawn shop b/c he needed money and he was lamenting about the woman, the house he's living in etc... I ignored it and kept my phone on mute as I do since I usually burst out into cursing fits and other words that would no doubt leave his "girlhood" damaged and on the floor...
After reading the letter for the 2nd time, my first hunch said to call him back, and ask him does turning his penis inside out to make a vagina hurt, because that letter was a straight bitch ass move on his part- but I took 2 steps back, let the anger subside and then I said I'm not going to respond- because once the floodgates opened... there would be no stopping...
So of course... 4 days later, he calls me - asks me did I get his email- I said yeah... "still saving"..
he said "what"... I repeated myself calmly... "Still saving... ya bitch"... and then I hung up...
He ain't call back yet...
The untalented and unintelligent are cocksure, while the most talented and intelligent are full of self doubt...
And this week, I got a call from a family member that proved this quote is true beyond a shadow of a doubt. Damn shame that you can't pick your family because if I could- I'd have to exchange this one in for "Roscoe the Wino"...
So I get an email that starts out "Hey Crazy Lady"... but after I finished reading I realized- this mofo is the one who is clearly crazy! The email starts out by family member- we'll call "Jackass" (you'll see why in a minute) telling me how he's emailing me from the library and he's tired of the "bitch" he's with, she doesn't do anything for him and how he has to go to court for another "bitch" who's suing him for child support. I know your saying to yourself- "Damn how can I get with this hunk of manliness?"...
So he continues in the email to tell me that he needs $20. Nice- I knew the real reason for the correspondence was in there somewhere. I had previously told this Shepard for the Devil that I am not working and don't have any money (I'm workin' but his ass don't need to know that). So he continues, "I know you don't have a job or any money but I need 20 dollars before March 26 so if you save maybe 50 cents a day by then you will have it."
oh yeah you read that right...he told ME to save 50 cents a day... ME! WTF??? I mean really?!?!? The effort it took you to walk your skanky ass to the library and waste energy typing that fuggin' e-mail you could've taken your monkey ass a step further and asked the librarian "yall hiring?"... Now, I know she would've said no, because I'm pretty sure she could see that you were wrapped in "I don't read a muthafuggin' thing" paper and "WTF I need a book for" ribbon but effort would have been nice!
I had to admit the first time I just skimmed the email, saw "crazy bitch won't help me", saw court then saw $20 and closed the email. I almost sent him the money along with 7 job listings... it was Sunday, I just finished watching a Joel Osteen program- so I got caught up... but the devil got people dressed up in character and I almost got taken down! Then I re-read the email, cuz the lil Quiet Storm voice told me to read that shit again- along with the feeling that I was about to be hit in the head with a shovel caused me to pause and shake my head to regain my focus...and as I re-read that shit I was floored, absolutely floored- how the eff u gonna tell me to save the money... FOR YOU!!
I had spoken to this idiot before my 2nd reading of the "letter from the Devil"... he was telling me that he was taking some stuff to the pawn shop b/c he needed money and he was lamenting about the woman, the house he's living in etc... I ignored it and kept my phone on mute as I do since I usually burst out into cursing fits and other words that would no doubt leave his "girlhood" damaged and on the floor...
After reading the letter for the 2nd time, my first hunch said to call him back, and ask him does turning his penis inside out to make a vagina hurt, because that letter was a straight bitch ass move on his part- but I took 2 steps back, let the anger subside and then I said I'm not going to respond- because once the floodgates opened... there would be no stopping...
So of course... 4 days later, he calls me - asks me did I get his email- I said yeah... "still saving"..
he said "what"... I repeated myself calmly... "Still saving... ya bitch"... and then I hung up...
He ain't call back yet...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Get off da tit!
So last week, hubby and I go to visit one of his old co-workers for dinner and just to chill at their crib... This couple is always interesting because it doesn't matter what the topic is- they will argue right in front of our asses like we are invisible and they share intimate details that NO ONE should ever share...
So said couple has 2 kids (girls ages 2 and 5), a nice co-op they are residing in with a garage- beautiful home...
We come in and start chatting it up, it's been about 2 years since we've seen them and were glad to reconnect. So they give us a tour of the house- nice- the kiddies are asleep... so precious.
We come back downstairs, order food and start chatting it up again- of course we get into the discussion about kids, with the obvious question "when are you two having some kids"... yeah yeah I say, when yall payin' for them lil crumb snatchers... So hubby says to his friend, Dred*, "are you gonna try for a boy?" ... Dred looks down and then laughs nervously, "I just found out man I can't have no more kids"... damn.. what a way to start dinner off and being that hubby is sometimes a "lil slow" he's like "whatchu mean"... so I look at Dred, he's rolling his eyes, shaking his head "no no more kids man"... I'm thinking "damn he put his infertility out on the table" ... then his wife yelps out "The shop is closed! I got my tubes tied! no more!".... WTF... "DAMN" I yell... Dred confirms and then reveals ole girl went and got her tubes tied THEN came home and told him over dinner on some ole "pass the peas, oh yeah by the way I got my tubes tied, take the bread out the oven" type shit... So hubby and I look at each other- here goes the Dr. Phil session... so she starts to ramble about how it's her decision but I'm just saying... it's your HUSBAND not the dude from the corner store! Tell him before you make the move... but that's just me...
So we change the topic and are back to laughing and joking and the 2 year old is now awake and comes down stairs- she immediately comes over to her mom and starts crying... her mom then picks her up and goes into the living room and is holding her close... I'm like "awww mommy daughter time" thinking she's rocking lil one back to sleep... but oh how I was wrong...
So she comes back into the kitchen and sits down, the 2 year old is running around giggling and playing, then the wife says to me "yeah she needed to be fed"... EXCUSE ME? she continues "People are still shocked that I'm breastfeeding her" ... What the... BREASTFEEDING!? That child came down the stairs on her OWN and you up here breast feeding her!?!?!?
So, I'm in shock, because after all, shorty is walking around eatin' potato chips and pieces of chicken and pizza and you still got her on the tit?! When she gonna start drinking from a cup, when she 30? She'll be like, hold on let's reschedule that meeting with the agency, I gotta go home for my feeding! ... shit... So her husband is like "yeah man, she still nursin' the baby" I'm like excuse me your "baby" walking round here like she own this joint and telling you she wants chicken!! So then of course, she continues, "gurrrl, my nipple could be out I wouldn't know it, I have no sensation"... I put my chicken wing down... nah son... fuck that I don't wanna eat no more behind that shit... my hubby of course is mid bite on a slice of pizza and puts that shit down himself... So her hubby continues, "yeah man, I try to get a lil somethin' started and I touch her breast and nuttin' happen man... nuttin'... " I jumped up and left the room- do I need to know that you and your wife are having "response" issues??????
I come back after the chatter about her having Wooden Nipples has ceased...
So we are sitting there talking about life and such and here comes the 2 year old...
gets in her mother's lap pulls down her mother's top and starts to GO TO TOWN! I was startled, because I'm sitting there, "yeah and you know... wait a minute what the fuck?!?" The little booger did that shit 4 times while we were sitting there talking... she was layin' in her mother's arms.. playin' with her feet... suckin' on the tit...
I was at a loss for words- especially after Feeding #3 I accidentally glanced down to the child only to get a birds eye view of this woman's exposed tit with veins looking like they fixin' to bust up outta her breast!
All I'm sayin' is... this kid ate like 6 wings then came to momma to get somethin' to wash them shits down... how you figure you got hot wing sauce on ya nipples and you and ya husband ain't been playin' love makin' games! if the baby can hold a fuckin' chicken wing they can hold a damn bottle or a cup!
We gots to do better!
So said couple has 2 kids (girls ages 2 and 5), a nice co-op they are residing in with a garage- beautiful home...
We come in and start chatting it up, it's been about 2 years since we've seen them and were glad to reconnect. So they give us a tour of the house- nice- the kiddies are asleep... so precious.
We come back downstairs, order food and start chatting it up again- of course we get into the discussion about kids, with the obvious question "when are you two having some kids"... yeah yeah I say, when yall payin' for them lil crumb snatchers... So hubby says to his friend, Dred*, "are you gonna try for a boy?" ... Dred looks down and then laughs nervously, "I just found out man I can't have no more kids"... damn.. what a way to start dinner off and being that hubby is sometimes a "lil slow" he's like "whatchu mean"... so I look at Dred, he's rolling his eyes, shaking his head "no no more kids man"... I'm thinking "damn he put his infertility out on the table" ... then his wife yelps out "The shop is closed! I got my tubes tied! no more!".... WTF... "DAMN" I yell... Dred confirms and then reveals ole girl went and got her tubes tied THEN came home and told him over dinner on some ole "pass the peas, oh yeah by the way I got my tubes tied, take the bread out the oven" type shit... So hubby and I look at each other- here goes the Dr. Phil session... so she starts to ramble about how it's her decision but I'm just saying... it's your HUSBAND not the dude from the corner store! Tell him before you make the move... but that's just me...
So we change the topic and are back to laughing and joking and the 2 year old is now awake and comes down stairs- she immediately comes over to her mom and starts crying... her mom then picks her up and goes into the living room and is holding her close... I'm like "awww mommy daughter time" thinking she's rocking lil one back to sleep... but oh how I was wrong...
So she comes back into the kitchen and sits down, the 2 year old is running around giggling and playing, then the wife says to me "yeah she needed to be fed"... EXCUSE ME? she continues "People are still shocked that I'm breastfeeding her" ... What the... BREASTFEEDING!? That child came down the stairs on her OWN and you up here breast feeding her!?!?!?
So, I'm in shock, because after all, shorty is walking around eatin' potato chips and pieces of chicken and pizza and you still got her on the tit?! When she gonna start drinking from a cup, when she 30? She'll be like, hold on let's reschedule that meeting with the agency, I gotta go home for my feeding! ... shit... So her husband is like "yeah man, she still nursin' the baby" I'm like excuse me your "baby" walking round here like she own this joint and telling you she wants chicken!! So then of course, she continues, "gurrrl, my nipple could be out I wouldn't know it, I have no sensation"... I put my chicken wing down... nah son... fuck that I don't wanna eat no more behind that shit... my hubby of course is mid bite on a slice of pizza and puts that shit down himself... So her hubby continues, "yeah man, I try to get a lil somethin' started and I touch her breast and nuttin' happen man... nuttin'... " I jumped up and left the room- do I need to know that you and your wife are having "response" issues??????
I come back after the chatter about her having Wooden Nipples has ceased...
So we are sitting there talking about life and such and here comes the 2 year old...
gets in her mother's lap pulls down her mother's top and starts to GO TO TOWN! I was startled, because I'm sitting there, "yeah and you know... wait a minute what the fuck?!?" The little booger did that shit 4 times while we were sitting there talking... she was layin' in her mother's arms.. playin' with her feet... suckin' on the tit...
I was at a loss for words- especially after Feeding #3 I accidentally glanced down to the child only to get a birds eye view of this woman's exposed tit with veins looking like they fixin' to bust up outta her breast!
All I'm sayin' is... this kid ate like 6 wings then came to momma to get somethin' to wash them shits down... how you figure you got hot wing sauce on ya nipples and you and ya husband ain't been playin' love makin' games! if the baby can hold a fuckin' chicken wing they can hold a damn bottle or a cup!
We gots to do better!
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