Drive thru jump off!

Often times as a homegirl I must impart truths to my friends- in spite of the reaction- sometimes friends listen and there are other times friends must crack a budweiser bottle over their heads...
My friend is a single girl, attractive, smart (on Tuesdays and Wednesdays)- and she's been sorta messing with a guy who works at her job... my motto- don't shit where u eat- but that's neither here nor there...
So "Notsobright" after being chased by this guy for months, decides to give in- after telling him that she's a woman of God and she can't be with him b/c he has a girl etc.. blah blah blah...
About a month ago, she invited him to her house where they sat in silence... she says to me "He's not like anything I thought, at work he's so talkative, at my house he didn't have nothing to say"... hmmm I'm silent at this point- b/c I see the handwriting on the wall- I see where ol' boy is going- and it ain't to Sunday Service either...All the while she's telling him that she's into God and this is not what God wants... and he tells her "I spoke to God, God told me we gonna be together"... nice... I'm sure God is lookin' down sayin' "When I said dat!?"

So he comes to her house a few times- they kissing heavily- rubbin' n touchin' n such... at work, he's grabbing her in private rooms- the rubbing 'n such continue.. so by this time they are ready to bang each other like 2 erasers in a first grade classroom, ya dig?
Yesterday I get a text " I fucked him".. WHOA! What?! No hello, no good day no nothin' straight to the Tequila without lickin' the salt... I text her back- "IS that you speaking Notsobright?!" -because after all, this is the same woman who is SO entrenched in Church that one time she wanted me to do Calligraphy on her wall of the different names of Jesus (to which my response was absolutely not- I'm not using my talent for blasphemous purposes whilst you get your back blown out to the vision of the names of Jesus written on ya wall- no thank you to that ticket to Hell)... So she texts me for me to call her- I do so- she's like "Girl, I prayed for God to".. what? I stopped her mid-sentence... "you not gonna sit here and tell me you prayed for God to save you from this situation- when you brought ol' boy to ya house and had many times to stop", I tell her. Secondly- you not gonna start talking about God when you just text me the F bomb up in this piece either! I ain't no religious Rita- but I know there are some words that don't go together in the same sentence.. like "Fatback" and "Healthy" don't belong in the same sentence, neither does "Jesus" and "F Bomb"... She goes off on a tangent screamin' "YOU THINK I DON'T LOVE GOD"... "Hey" I tell her, "Go sell crazy somewhere else, this aint' about you lovin' God"...
I told her, if you gonna do it, do it, don't be tellin me how you prayed and how you did a rain dance for God or the gas man to come and stop you from "sinning"... if you gonna play big Girl games then get prepared to deal with big girl shit- I ain't judging her frankly I knew she would do it, everyone needs a tune up e'ry now and then... but don't tell me he tricked you and he's not who you thought he was... after all he came over to your house at 6pm... you sent me that message at 6:45pm... he had left to "go meet his daughter"... who I thought was 12- where he meeting her? Romper Room? Fugg outta here! He had to go home to his girlfriend (of 4 years!)...not to mention it took less than an hour to get the session jumped off! Like a drive thru! shoo...

I know this girl, I know her well enough that I can run down the script that will take place over the next few weeks. She's like this is a one time thing I'm not going to do it again... "yeah ok, I said, he's coming over to your house tomorrow isn't he?" "Yeah" she says modestly... "uh huh, all I'm sayin is don't give me no Creflo Dollar sermons about how the devil is fightin God for your soul- cuz it aint that serious- people losin' homes and jobs and starvin' I think God got better things to tend to than whether you gonna play the letter game with ya legs!" She's silent- "you don't understand she says"... "no I understand" I say, but this ain't a battle between Good and evil I say... she screams "YES IT IS"... I gotta get off the phone cuz she thinkin' this is an episode of "God and the Devil goes to Brooklyn"
I'm like "bye Notsobright"... then she screams "I needed it!"... what is this? a crackhouse? I mean really... let's not turn this into an episode of Intervention- it's too hot and this is too foolish...

Stay tuned... Tales of Notsobright ain't finished yet...

Stupid Moment# 34190

So living in NYC often has it's ups and downs- this past week-a down moment occurred- a woman in my building was raped and robbed in the elevator. Tragic indeed, the assailant is described as a black man 5'9-6'0 in his 30's, wearing a black hoodie...
So with that description- hubby is indeed worried- after all he's a black man in his 30's and 6'4- you say the height doesn't fit the description? But to folks who run from him in the laundry room b/c they believe he's about to steal their dirty underwear, surely you can see why his worry radar goes up... so his latest mission is not to seem threatening to anyone in the building- so he smiles, pauses before he approaches the door and has to check the mailbox to subtly PROVE that he lives here...and no he shouldn't have to but to avoid being the next star on COPS he's taking extra precautions given the circumstances...

However, there are a few other males who don't fit in the smart/cautious category...
Yesterday while entering our building- we notice a dude who's in our age group- 30's - we've dubbed him "Quarter Water" after we saw him sitting atop a ledge outside of our building swinging his legs with 2 pippie longstock braids- all whilst drinking a Quarter Water... sexy I know..
Well "Quarter Water" was outside again- sitting on the stoop- in 90 degree weather- with...alas... a black Ed Hardy Hoodie... wow.. you's a bright mofosucka aren't you? After all you fit the description of the assailant- black man, 30's and alas wearing a HOODIE- IN THE FUGGIN SUMMERTIME no less! "Hi My name is Dumb ass!" And wearing sunglasses! Yes Ed Hardy is "fashionable" (not really) but it's gonna be Ed "Hardy" you married to in Cell Block #4 on Rikers! And as hubby walks in the building he says aloud "Wow Hoodies in the heat- my sweat glands missed that memo"
I'm all for not making assumptions- b/c seriously there are at least 200 men in the neighborhood that fit that description- but you wearing a black hoodie when there's a miscellaneous black man running around as your twin raping and robbing women really don't help the situation, ya dig?! Let's use common sense here! Not only do you look like the g*tdamn Uni-bomber, you also look like the suspect! Did you go to Yale? I mean you must've graduated Magna Cum Laude! Oh how scientists should do an experiment on how your brain works...

And as elderly women approach the building he's sitting there looking bewildered when they double step like "Magda" in that movie Something About Mary to get inside the building and you are even more perplexed when they look behind them like this is Halloween Washington Heights Version! Let's not give the police a reason to stop you- okay?