On some NY Shit...

So I took my lunch this afternoon and some "only in NYC" shit happens.... 

I'm walking down Broadway to go to Cosi to get a salad... so I'm walking past 3 homeless men (or they appear to be homeless)- one is in a wheelchair with a cup and the other 2 are in front of him talking then I hear one of 'em say "Yo I saw you walking last week, now you in a wheelchair?!" Man was like "muhfugga, I been in this wheelchair for years, you ain't seen me walking no last damn week!" The other man,  adamant about having seen him walking, yells, "Yo muthafugga you lyin' I seen your ass last week shit!" At that point I had to laugh to myself cuz that would be some funny mess if he did see him, it be even funnier if that man stood up outta that wheel chair and hauled off and smacked his ass for  messin' up his game  to get more money hollerin' shit out like that... 

So I get across the street go into Cosi and a guy takes my order.. I smile and say "I'd like a chicken caesar please." He smiles, proceeds to gather up the lettuce, cheese, croutons, chicken,  and passes on my salad to a young black girl who then puts dressing on it. Then in the middle of tossing the salad she stops and puts in more chicken I look at her like "you ain't gettin no tip for that extra helping I ain't ask for", then she mumbles... and smiles... "black people like chicken" WHOA! WTF! Are you really black or is David Duke under there? I smirk and say "You didn't just say that right? Black folks ain't genetically predisposed to liking chicken and you shouldn't say stuff like that." She smiles... but with that comment I assume once I got to the "genetically predisposed" part she just assumed I started speaking Swahili... 

I mean, really now, I guess she just wakes up thinking about chicken!???  WTF is that?! Ignorance sure does get 'em young b/c she looked no more than 18 years old.. Poor thing, she gonna be workin' in Cosi for a loooong time.... handin' out free chicken to unsuspecting black folks... 

It ain't "Afterwork" if ya been in ya pj's all day!

Last night a friend of mine and I went to this lounge for their "Afterwork Thursdays"... 

So we get in the place and there are a lot of men sitting at the bar-good for my friend who's single... one problem tho',  they're all old as hell.. balding men, Groucho Marx mustaches, old ass suits  lookin' like they are from a catalog... an old men's catalog from 1982. 

So we order 2 drinks, and go sit down... then 2 pip squeeks come sit across from us... 

Both are the height of a Pre-schooler... nice... Now I'm not tall.. but I know I don't want no one who stands next to me and looks like my child... ya hear me?

So, the one sitting directly across from me, looks like his name is "Spank Spank", wearing a light colored "Sunday 2 for $59 Special" suit complete with vest and tie, he's bald with a Nation of Islam beard and ... got coke bottle magnifying damn glasses... I'm like great... good thing ain't no sun or else this mofo would surely burn the hell out of me... I mean he looks like Red Foxx in Harlem Nights with these glasses!! 

The dreamboat sitting across from my friend? looks like his name is LeRoy... well LeRoy was dead sexy... 

I scan him from head to toe... LeRoy has braids... cornrows going back with  lil curls at the end... ain't that cute? u a grown ass man who got a curl at the end of ya muhfuggin braids?!?!?! I scan down further dusty blue sweater... down further jeans that were a bit on the faded side but he had a fuggin' knee exposed! He had ripped jeans on- strategically torn- like in a square around his effin' knee! ... So LeRoy gets up to go the bar... turns around... he's got another strategically placed rip on the pocket... WTF... pockets flappin',  knee flappin'... WTF is that?! 

So "Flappy Johnson" aka LeRoy returns... and they order food... meanwhile he's staring down my friend trying desperately to make eye contact... ALAS he makes eye contact with her... leans over and says

"Uhhhh has anyone ever told you, you look like Jordin Sparks?" My friend replies "no, haven't heard that one"... thinking its over she turns back to me... LeRoy just don't get it... he continues "Yeah cuz I've been watching VH1 all week, I've been home all week... things been kinda slow"... And Spanks is sittin there lookin' at me bout to burn me to death...

I pause and turn away... I said to her "What he say!?" She repeats it... I know we are in an economic slump right now but does that mean that a man's game must also suffer? Telling a woman that she looks like a celebrity may have gotten you points... however, continuing the rap with the "I've been home all week" leads me to my next question- da hell you doin' at an AFTERWORK event when you been sittin' in ya pj's all day watching VH1!

We gots to do better...

Let's stop the lazy shit, ok?!

A few things I can't stand is stupidity, laziness and people who think that "everyone else" should do something for them.  Of course we're on for another saga of "Let's stop the lazy shit, okay?".

So I'm on the phone again- can you tell I'm on the phone alot with stupid people, it's contagious and I can't see these fools cuz I might catch "Bullshitters" disease... 

Anyway... I'm on the phone with my lovely friend who's out of work- she's been out of work since about August. I thought, foolish me, that she was looking for a job but every time I speak to her, she's telling me about her adventures of driving around the Bronx, Manhattan, hangin' out, goin out, dating etc... so I figure she don't have no bills- hmmmm ... but the bitch just asked me for $20 on Sunday when I saw her ass... 

So last night she tells me that she went online and signed up for a survey that you get paid $75 for. Now... you put in for a survey but a job application so your ass can get a steady check and you can stop singin' that same song by Broke Diddy titled "No Money Mo' Problems" just don't occur to your monkey ass huh?

So I said "uh huh" b/c really what the hell am I supposed to say?   So she goes on to tell me that the survey is about cars and oil, the guy asks her a series of question and gets to "When's the last time you had an oil change?" To which she replies "I haven't gotten one since I bought my car in February"... the man, she says, moans asks her a few more questions then says " I'm sorry ma'am you don't qualify" She says "why? because of that oil change question right?" 

So I say "WTF dummy! You knew it was an oil change survey and yet you still answered the question no?" like does that make sense!? She laughs... because to this "dummy" shit is funny... 

She proceeds to tell me about how she says to this man " Let me ask you a question, I never had my oil changed since I got the car, how often are you supposed to get your oil changed?" now she has male friends and family members yet she asks a stranger in West Bubbafuck Idaho for advice on her car. Boy I tell you if I didn't know any better I'd think this heffa graduated Magna Cum Laude from Harvard!

So the man proceeds to tell her this is a bad thing because her car can just die on her- so I chime in agreement, and I'm telling her she could seize her engine- but of course she ain't listenin' steady talkin'... so I said "eff it, why the hell should I waste my breath and expend energy when this idiota clearly has a listening deficiency!" So she goes on to tell me "the man said I should go to R S Struuzzz? Strusshhh? Strassss?" I put the phone down, b/c I know this bitch doesn't mean "R&S Strauss Auto"- as I pick up she's going  on "I never heard of that, I told him, we don't have those in NY" So I couldn't hold my silence any longer- I said "Dummy, it's R& S Strauss, you have one across the street from your house, it's a NY based company you need to observe things in your area!" She says "there is?" Then just like a special ed student she goes off on another topic, talkin to someone in the background about something totally different then comes back and says "There's one near my house?" So I scream out "Dummy, are you deaf too? Isn't that what I said?" 

So she has another special ed/ADD moment and goes on to tell me that she also signed up for another survey where she'd have to be away for a week, testing birth control drugs....

Tell me why she don't get a job? I hate a lazy mofosucka! It's amazing to me, she's online all night til 2 or 3 in the morning signing up for surveys and playin games on the internet. Yet asks me for $20 and catches an attitude when I say "my money you will not get". Broke lazy ass...  I asked her, "is this easier than finding employment?" She screams out just like a Maury Povich guest "DEY GIVIN" OUT $5,000 TO TEST THIS DRUG OUT! SHIT I NEED THAT MONEY!"  So I said "great, you big dummy! You try out a drug that you don't know shit about and get $5,000 but will have to spend $10,000 to stop your ass from drooling uncontrollably or to fix the mental retardation that may occur as a result of trying this non-FDA approved drug!" But while she's talking about how "Shit I need that money" I realize, she's already retarded- hell this could actually help... 

Stankin'

I'm up in this gig today- sharing an office with this chic,

it's a small office

No air

Hot as hell

She eatin' a sandwich- with ONIONS

You know what that smells like? 

In an office where the temp is 85 degrees and the sun is beatin' thru the window and it's literally the size of 2 bathroom stalls?

Like a fuggin' Homeless shelter in the muthafuggin' summertime... 

Lord help me today... 

I want my 2 points!

I love my friends and family but every now and then I gotta pull out a board and bang my head on it just to deal with half the shit they tell me or ask me advice on. 

   So I got a family member- She's in beauty school- or was in beauty school until about a month ago- when she got kicked out for flunking... 

Let's take a trip back 6 months ago, She calls me excited on the phone,  "Aquietstorm! I'm going to be a cosmetologist." I roll my eyes and sigh because this is career option 45 in the last 2 years... She is about 38, with a child and is in need of some direction, focus, career options- cuz as she says "I'm gettin old, I can't do this shit no more". So she tells me about the program- great- she sounds excited and this is the first time she's sounded excited about anything in A LONG TIME. So being supportive yet cautious- I hitch my wagon to her joy cart- and I encourage her. She emails me her essay- I shoulda known this is when the first head banging board got pulled out... So I correct it, cuz it's a hella mess- misspelling, wrong tense, grammatical errors, shit is just jacked UP! So I email it back to her, a few days later I speak to her and I'm like "Did you get my email with your essay corrected?" She says " Oh, there was somethin' wrong with it? I already sent it in"... WTF!? I mean really now, wrong usage of "their" and "there", everything misspelled except her name! WTF!? So I said well there were some things that were jacked up in the essay, you should've proofread before sending it out... but whatever.. I figure if she gets in then God definitely watches out for fools and baby- cuz she ain't no baby but she damn sure a fool... 

So VOILA! she gets in...  So we go thru a whole financial aid drama- b/c after all, this school is $16,000 for NINE MONTHS!  And she got about $2.00 in her pocket... and 50 cent in her bank account ... so we finish that... they have her sign a bunch of contracts and such... of course.. none of which she reads... 

So 2nd week of classes, I'm speaking to her about the program and she tells me that she has to find her own models... she's screaming and hollering... "THEY AIN'T TELL ME THAT!" So I say, "baby is it in the contract?"  "No" but I know 'ole girl ain't read that contract!

So let's fast forward a few months- 2 weeks before being terminated from the program- she tells me about her classes and how she's having trouble with parallel lines- she can do it at the back of the head but not the front... So I got the side eye going because I'm not comprehending... so I just say "Did you get the teacher to come show you?" "Yes" she says, "the teacher showed me repeatedly I just can't get it". "And another thing I can't understand is clockwise and counterclockwise"... I was in a bookstore, I had to stop in the middle of the aisle and hold my head and look up the sky... surely she's joking I say... so I say "you know a clock right? not the digital the regular clock?" She's like "yeah" I said "clockwise is the direction the clock normally moves in, with time going forward" but alas she was silent on the phone... like a dog looking at a clock she ain't know what time it was... She says "I don't get it, explain it to me like I'm a 5 year old" (yeah like a 5 year old... I know muthafuggas who blind, bald and crazy and can tell you counterclockwise from clockwise) So I got an epiphany- break it down to the Short Yellow Bus level A!.. So I say "Clockwise goes to the right and Counterclockwise goes to the left"... she goes "OOOHHHHH"... WTF, I gotta get on some board of education meeting and explain that we fuckin' up the kids left and right son... this shit ain't cute... She older than all 12 disciples and I gotta break shit down like I'm talking to Snuffaluffagus on muthafuckin' Sesame Street.

So fast forward, 2 weeks later--  I get a frantic call.. "YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED I GOT KICKED OUT FOR 2 POINTS!"  Nice... I'm at work, and she's as loud as a bullhorn... sexy... 

Later on that evening I get all the details...or so I think are all the details... she basically got a 78 (80 is passing) failed by 2 points- it sucks but such is life... go to another school... 

But she asks them to send her transcript- AND to send the rest of her loan money to the other school she plans on going to- HUH? I said "that's not gonna work, they'll send that remaining money back to the state" " NO IT"S MY MONEY I WANT IT SENT TO THE OTHER SCHOOL SHIT!" "hmmm I say, technically it ain't ur money..." but whatever.. we get into a tiff over that... 

So let's fast forward again to last night... I'm on the phone with her discussing shit and shinola... she tells me "I'm suing that school, they tricked me"... LORD WHY DON"T YOU JUST TAKE ME NOW GOD, HEAVEN GOTTA BE READY FOR ME! And so the 3 hour battle via telephone ensues... She goes thru how she received an unofficial transcript- and on that transcript it says her overall average was a 76. Here she goes "I got a 78, what the fuck is this 76 shit" I'm thinking, how can I tactfully say "YOU STILL FAILED EITHER WAY HEFFA!" So we do a run down of her grades.. presentations she got like 100's 110's (she got 10 extra credit points for doing well) then she gets to her tests (which I have to correct her cuz she keeps sayin' "TESSSESSS") and she running off numbers like 71, 70, 74, 73- my thing is - is this the muthafuckin' 5 day forecast or is your ass FAILING THIS SHIT LIKE WHOA!?

 

Then she proceeds to tell me that she failed the first 2 "sessions" of the program- with a 73 and a 71... and the final session she got an 88 or a 94 or some shit... but all averaged out- YOU STILL FAIL... 

So I ask her what is she suing them for? Because either way you fail suga!!!

She's like "they tricked me, I'm reading in this handbook that there was a thing set up to help out students who aren't doing well, they never told me that!" "And also it says that we can use other students in the school instead of looking outside of the school for models" "I've never heard of a school saying that 80 is passing, all my years in school a 65 was passing." I explain to her this ain't no college- it's a vocational school- we ain't gonna go on the standards they uphold cuz after all her essay was full of mistakes and misspellings and she still got in!

 Forgot to mention...She has a script already for the judge- "But your honor, this was my life's dream, I was gonna make something of myself, I had a dream and that's all I wanted to be was a cosmetologist. That's like you goin' to school and someone comes and takes your judgehood away" --yeah she said "judgehood"... yeah... believe it... 

I'm looking at the phone like WTF  why me?  So I can't stand anymore, I can no longer be supportive and sweet at this point, the truth is bubbling inside of me- I can't hold it no more- So I pop- start screamin' Listen! You bout to waste time and energy suing somebody over 2 points and your ass is 38 and shoulda read the mofosuckin' contract son! The judge ain't gonna wanna hear no sob story bout your life" I told her "You sound like an episode of Good Times, cut the bullshit... go to the other school buck up and study if this is what you want to do!" Needless to say we don't stay on the phone long... 

To all you teachers out there... please, I beg of you, inject some critical thinking into ya lesson plans... this child don't know shit from shaving cream and gettin' upset because people "don't tell her" what's already in a written contract that she signed... 

Stay tuned for the journey into the legal system with this blind horse bucking and screaming... hope she get  a Judge Judy type that screams on her... cuz my "Keeping It Real" with her done went wrong since she still going thru with this ridiculous lawsuit...