Seein' Double

So I'm sitting at my desk working and plugging along and this woman comes in and drops a copy of ABC off to me, I just say thank you- and keep pluggin away at this work... 

About 30 minutes later, the same woman comes and drops off ANOTHER copy of the same issue of ABC and wisks out the room but before she wisks out the room she shouts out "IT'S COLD IN HERE!" - I look around like did I just experience Deja Vu or did this bitch just drop off the same shit! AND is this bitch retarded or she got torrets cuz she screamin' out like she on the short fuckin' yellow bus with a drool cup and a muthafuggin chin strap AND like she don't see me on the fuckin' phone! 

So I get up and go over to her desk with the 2nd issue of ABC and say "you gave me 2 copies, here's this one back"... she says in a whiny voice like she's lil orphan Annie, "are you suurrreeee???? I didn't give you XYZ?" I look at her and say "I'm sure" meanwhile I'm thinking to myself - "bitch I ain't got coke bottle glasses and I ain't seein' double issues in TWO DIFFERENT PLACES ON MY FUCKIN DESK!" It took everything in me to not just smack that gray outta her fuckin' hair... 

So as she is about to hand me a copy of XYZ she snatches them back and says "I don't believe you!"

I asked who's on the cover of ABC she says "it's Michael J. Fox"- I tell her "keep that shit", because at this point

if you think that I'm scheming on motherfuggin' copies of Alex from Family Ties then keep them shits!

She says "that's not nice". I said "no what's not nice is you thinking that I'm jipping your for an extra copy of that magazine- 

with old ass Michael J. Fox on that mutha, he got more lines on his face than a search and find puzzle" 

but still Stupid Stacey proceeds to walk back to my desk and says "Oh I guess I gave you 2 of the same thing"... 

I pause- surely this bitch is being paid by the devil to make my head pop the hell off... I said "just put

it down there and remember that u did, thanks!"

I don't have time for the bullshit!!

Symphony of Stank

Last week I get on the train- the back of the train- which usually I don't do for 2 reasons... 

There are usually pervs or crackheads in the back of that mutha, but I didn't have a choice, it was either get on or miss the train... 

Anway, I get on at the door that's near the little conductor's booth- where u can walk thru the train- there's a man standing there facing the booth clearly talking to himself... but that's not anything out of the ordinary... I mean this is NYC... in the back of this man are 5 people all sitting in the seats and next to him is man who's clearly a tourist- Welcome to New York Baby... he's looking a little scared... 

So a few train stops go by and then the man who is talking to himself AND holding his stomach, starts to let off a muthafuggin' Trumpet of farts- that's right... a musical selection from his ASS!

I'm caught in between stations so either I hold my breath or walk thru the car- which was NOT going to happen. But what amazed me is why the Symphony of Stank was being played- these motherfuggin 5 idiots were STILL sitting there! Like I mean REALLY? The motherfucker's back was turned to them- so basically he was fartin' in their faces!!! They didn't move- I guess a seat is worth that much to your ass that you willin' to withstand stank all up to be damned! Instead- all 5 of these mofos including the tourist standing next to him ducked their head into their coats or used their newspapers to cover their noses... I said outloud "Oh Hell no!" and when the train pulled into the station I bolted outta there like my ass was on fire!

Is a seat on the subway worth that much that you'll allow yourself to sit there while a crazy man farts like his ass is literally playin' Biggie's Notorious soundtrack???

I think not... 

Gotta love NYC

Ask anyone and they'll tell you AQuietstorm loves her some NYC- born and bred here- however, there are some days when NY is a bit much! And today is one of those days-

I get on the subway, no problem 8:31 a.m. and of course- folks are packed like cattle.

So I go to my usual spot by the door- and of course I get the crazies because hey, it's me, what else would my life be if I didn't get to stand next to an idiot who is a germa-phobe...(eyes rollin')

So this young lady, gets on the train and decides that she doesn't want to hold on to the pole so she stands in the middle of the train- like she's surfing- legs spread apart, holding on to the ipod and swaying back and forth like a human pendulum. Did I say she also has a book bag that weighs at least 25 lbs? So she continues to sway for 2 stops with the book bag and after being pushed from side to side- the idiot moves closer in MY direction. Great- just what I needed. Still sticking with  her original plan of roughing it without holding on- she puts her knee on the pole, that's right- her knee - because what u didn't know boys and girls is that God put mofo SUCTIONS on your knee cap!!!!

 Then as she inches closer to get a better stance on the pole- the person she's molesting with her other leg, gives her that look like "It's 8 am and I will bust your ass because I haven't had my coffee yet" ... so she decides... let me just put my FIST on the pole- yeah, because I don't wanna hold on so I'm gonna try to navigate the swaying by putting my fist on the pole- don't you love it? She glances at me only to see the "Bitch please" expression on my face and decides maybe the knee isn't the best option for her so instead of her fist- she moves to 1 finger- her index finger- nice- you stupid wench... if the train stops abruptly you gonna be minus a finger u dip shit... 

My thing is this- you might have gotten away from the germs by not holding on to the railing entering the station– but you use a metro card to swipe thru that system- so you touch that metro card and it goes thru the same slot that many other metro cards have gone thru- especially metro cards that have been swiped thru the ass of a stripper named "Tasty" the night before! So after the metro card has gone thru "Tasty's" metro card system, it enters the MTA slot- which then ur metro card swipes thru and then u put that shit in ur wallet- so if you were gonna catch something- it wouldn't be from the pole u dingleberry! Not to mention, u are using everything else to hold on to the pole- can the top of your fist be detached and discarded- apparently your brain works in that manner however your hand does not! Your jeans? oh yeah they are anti-bacterial you say? Nice- if there was some flesh eating or acidic germ that was pole jumping- u think that it wouldn't move from your fist or jeans knee cap to kill u??? 

And then as I'm standing there watching this bitch go from index finger back to fist- I notice there's a big headed man standing behind her, ipod blasting and he's RIGHT on her back, he's holding on the bar above Germaphobe but he's so close that she has to tilt her head forward to avoid being in his arm pit (makes ya feel all Lever 2000 like right?)- well Big Head decides this is a fuckin' concert and I guess the tune he was listening to got good b/c he decides- "This is my audition for guitarist on a subway pole!" so he proceeds to play the tune on the pole with his fat fingers and arm jerkin' to the beat right on Germaphobe's head!

What I also love is how this young chic, gets on the train- hood girl- with a baby stroller- it was the longest fuckin' stroller I've ever seen in my life... usually I have no problem, u on the train it's a stroller- whatever- 

but  Hood girl pushes this stroller on and is takin' out mofo's left and right- you just hear people screamin' "DAMN" , "ESSSCUSE ME!", "SHIT", "OUCH!"... she rollin' thru angry as hell not saying excuse me the first and steady rolling her eyes...I ignored her and kept holding on, then I felt the stroller hit my heel- it's early I don't have a filter for facial expressions before 9:30- so I turn around and glare at her- she says "Sorry miss"- I just said "uh huh" but you steady standing there with a 'tude! Don't catch an attitude because you decided that at 8:45 am u and ur long ass stroller was gonna get on and then got the nerve to be takin' out muthafuggin' ankles and shit... 

New York Subways... shit...