Cocksure!

I once heard a quote that went something like -
The untalented and unintelligent are cocksure, while the most talented and intelligent are full of self doubt...
And this week, I got a call from a family member that proved this quote is true beyond a shadow of a doubt. Damn shame that you can't pick your family because if I could- I'd have to exchange this one in for "Roscoe the Wino"...
So I get an email that starts out "Hey Crazy Lady"... but after I finished reading I realized- this mofo is the one who is clearly crazy! The email starts out by family member- we'll call "Jackass" (you'll see why in a minute) telling me how he's emailing me from the library and he's tired of the "bitch" he's with, she doesn't do anything for him and how he has to go to court for another "bitch" who's suing him for child support. I know your saying to yourself- "Damn how can I get with this hunk of manliness?"...

So he continues in the email to tell me that he needs $20. Nice- I knew the real reason for the correspondence was in there somewhere. I had previously told this Shepard for the Devil that I am not working and don't have any money (I'm workin' but his ass don't need to know that). So he continues, "I know you don't have a job or any money but I need 20 dollars before March 26 so if you save maybe 50 cents a day by then you will have it."
oh yeah you read that right...he told ME to save 50 cents a day... ME! WTF??? I mean really?!?!? The effort it took you to walk your skanky ass to the library and waste energy typing that fuggin' e-mail you could've taken your monkey ass a step further and asked the librarian "yall hiring?"... Now, I know she would've said no, because I'm pretty sure she could see that you were wrapped in "I don't read a muthafuggin' thing" paper and "WTF I need a book for" ribbon but effort would have been nice!

I had to admit the first time I just skimmed the email, saw "crazy bitch won't help me", saw court then saw $20 and closed the email. I almost sent him the money along with 7 job listings... it was Sunday, I just finished watching a Joel Osteen program- so I got caught up... but the devil got people dressed up in character and I almost got taken down! Then I re-read the email, cuz the lil Quiet Storm voice told me to read that shit again- along with the feeling that I was about to be hit in the head with a shovel caused me to pause and shake my head to regain my focus...and as I re-read that shit I was floored, absolutely floored- how the eff u gonna tell me to save the money... FOR YOU!!
I had spoken to this idiot before my 2nd reading of the "letter from the Devil"... he was telling me that he was taking some stuff to the pawn shop b/c he needed money and he was lamenting about the woman, the house he's living in etc... I ignored it and kept my phone on mute as I do since I usually burst out into cursing fits and other words that would no doubt leave his "girlhood" damaged and on the floor...
After reading the letter for the 2nd time, my first hunch said to call him back, and ask him does turning his penis inside out to make a vagina hurt, because that letter was a straight bitch ass move on his part- but I took 2 steps back, let the anger subside and then I said I'm not going to respond- because once the floodgates opened... there would be no stopping...

So of course... 4 days later, he calls me - asks me did I get his email- I said yeah... "still saving"..
he said "what"... I repeated myself calmly... "Still saving... ya bitch"... and then I hung up...

He ain't call back yet...