So I'm watching channel 7 news and a story comes on about a man in Westchester who grabbed a teen girl on her way home from school and threw her in the back of a truck. In no way is this story funny, however, the newscasters need to pick better people to talk to about such events...
So there goes the reporter, stopping a car on the street with a man and his son in the car- the camera shot is from the passenger side.
The son who looks to be about 15 years old is weighin' in at about 300lbs on a light day, ya get me?
The reporter asks him about the kidnapping and his thoughts the father says "this is why parents come and pick up their kids from school, we live right up the street and I come and pick him up (pointing to the son), he's a big guy but I still come to get him"...
This "kid" was swole up in that car, seat belt strainin', you couldn't see the father's chest because the son's stomach blocked the view. The father had to lean forward to be visible... son!
Are you really worried about him gettin' kidnappped? By WHOM!? Muhfuggin' King Kong? cuz truthfully there would have to be like 6 mofos to "throw" his ass anywhere...
shit...
Then I get a call from a friend.. who's coming into to town, he's older, married, love him to death, he's like fam... He's excited to be coming into NYC, lovely... I'm excited too... really...
So I mention something about having a few people over for a lil get together... he asks me "you have any attractive friends"... no, I got some dog lookin' muthas as friends... so ugly I only speak to them on the phone b/c face to face is just too fuggin' hard... WTF!? I tell him, don't ask me no stupid questions okay? Then he continues to tell me that he hasn't "had any" in a while... nice... b/c that was on my top questions for your monkey ass- so? How's the kids? How's the wife? By the way, how's your sex life? Get the fugg outta here!
Now that was a few days ago, I get another call today, asking me if I'm still having this "small get together" because there are some other folks who he works with who will be coming in from out of town... *record scratch* anyone who knows Aquietstorm knows my Modus Operandi on this- I don't know ya friends- they could be comin' to my crib with velcro strapped to their hands willin' to pick up anything like "how'd that get here!?"... I ain't got time and my husband is not up for a jail stint for whoopin' ass ok? So I tell him "I don't want no people I don't know up in my house!" He's like "I'd keep watch on them" really? nice... cuz I trust your ass to watch your skank ass friends in my house... NOT...
So he's like, "it's mostly women"... *another record scratch*... so you mean to tell me, this is going to be an episode of "One Bro, 4 Hoes"??? I think not! I tell him, you may think we partake in absolute ridiculousness on a regular basis, however, you haven't been here in about 3-4 years and I guarantee there are somethings about us and this place you just don't understand:
#1 I WILL NOT be providing a place for you to engage in extramarital affairs- any "love in the club" activity will be had by the 2 mofos who are married and pay rent up in this bitch... NOT YOUR ASS WITH SOME MISCELLANEOUS HOOCH...
#2 We ain't runnin' a Hotel, Harlots and Hand jobs convention... if you feel like you need to pop off then perhaps you need to take your lil monies and scurry on down to the motel for an hourly meeting... but up in this crib, we will not be havin' no Pimps Up Hoes Down activity
#3 YOU MARRIED son! And I know your wife! And I'm married!? And how I look like openin' up that Pandora's box and gateway to hell!!!
#4 If ya wife ain't givin' you none, perhaps Dr. Phil needs to be called and you need to spend your time down there workin out ya marital discord rather than trottin ya happy and horny ass up to NYC...
But of course, I get the "don't you worry about that", to which I reply, you ain't draggin' in the dust of negativity into my crib with this mess...
And then I have to ask him, "you've known me for how long? perhaps you're retarded and don't know that you are going to get cussed out for this question!?"
And of course, the wife and kids come up in the crib and he then has to get off the phone cuz he can't talk about this now...
yeah... I bet... ass
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
13 Questions...
Recessions have allowed for the most ridiculous tactics to be implemented in the search for the "perfect" candidate. I applied for a job at a reputable organization in New Jersey a few weeks ago and they got back to me yesterday with a response that says that they are interested in me as a candidate and would like me to answer 13 questions so they could determine, pretty much, if I'm worth interviewing formally... really? 13 questions as a pre-interview? I mean really? not 2 or 3 but 13?
And I suppose when I get into the interview what the hell else are you going to ask me? My shoe size? If I like cheese on my burger? Am I lactose intolerant? I mean 13 questions IS the fuggin interview, No???!??? I guess the next step after that is a colonoscopy? I mean can I not just get someone else to answer this and study this shit should I be called for a formal interview?
So I continue reading and now I'm upon the 13 questions- and as I read them my inner voice answers these muthafuggas:
1. What interested you in this position and the "Jack Assedness" Org?
Well, I saw the position, thought I could do the job, it just so happened your asses were the ones hiring for this shit duhhhh!
2 What brings you to the job market? Uh are you muthafuggas serious? Let's see, ...my rent, con-ed and general need for cash in my pockets brings me to this market bitches... did you not get the Recession memo?
3. Do you have both print and online experience? Please briefly describe your experience with both. - Yes otherwise, why would I apply- no better yet, otherwise why would your monkey asses have opted for me and a plethora of other folks to answer these set of dumb ass questions- My experience with both? Hmmm.. guess I shouldn't have bothered to put that shit on my resume huh
4. In your previous jobs, were you required to meet deadlines? Were you successful in meeting them? Have you ever missed a deadline and what were the consequences?
Nah, wasn't required to meet deadlines, was just allowed to let shit slip by all willy nilly- due on the 2nd? Let's get that shit there on the 22nd! da hell you think!? Successful in meeting them? If you call the shits getting there at the last minute successful- HELL YEAH... what were the consequences? Some mofo like yourself sitting me down in a meeting asking me WTF happened- to which I'd respond you give me the shit I needed 2 days before it's due and expect the shit 2 days early... smart..
5.Do you have any budget experience? If so, please briefly describe. I've budgeted my salary and You'll see my budgeting skills when I'm able to get a metro card, a sandwich and go out for drinks after work! Again, guess I shouldn't have put that shit in my resume either...
6. Do you have any experience leading meetings, setting agendas, etc? Yep, After we go over what happened the night before on Bravo, I tell everybody to sit down and shut the fugg up (leading meetings), do as their told (agenda) and there won't be any problems...
Hey I sent you my resume, did you get it?
7. Have you ever worked with editorial and creative staff? Ok, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you didn't get my resume - Really? Why do ask for a resume? I mean all those years of job experience and duties I've listed and you're asking me this question?
8. How would you describe your ability to manage client relationships? See question 6
9. Have you ever managed vendors? Please describe your work with external vendors
Yes, I tell them what I want, they give me what I don't want, I ask them do they know who the fugg their dealing with and then they give me the job for free...
10. Have you ever gone on press runs? If so, please describe your role, etc.
If you mean that game show "Who wants to wait around while "Jeb" in a 'kerchief and one tooth rolls his eyes at me b/c I'm the pain in the ass city muthafugga who comes givin' them a hard time telling them to amp up the cyan, take down the magenta and fix the registration"? then yes and my role? To sit in a waiting room while Jeb and customer service figure out which part of the job they just fucked up is the least fucked up and will quickly get me out of their 2 strands of grey hair...
11. How would you rate your organizational skills and attention to detail? I'd rate my ability to pay attention to crap without getting a bout of torrets and screaming out "bullshit" a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. As for organizational skills I'd rate a 9 as well- I keep contradictory emails organized for reference later on when someone tries to pull a fast one on my ass...
12.Are you able to commute to our offices in New Jersey every day should you get this position? Not really, I was figuring that since you did NOT mention Telecommuting in the description that for sure that shit was an option- I mean I like applying for jobs and reading in between the lines 'n shit...
13.What are your salary expectations? I EXPECT to be paid more than a dishwasher in the middle of Guadelupe-Thanks!
And I suppose when I get into the interview what the hell else are you going to ask me? My shoe size? If I like cheese on my burger? Am I lactose intolerant? I mean 13 questions IS the fuggin interview, No???!??? I guess the next step after that is a colonoscopy? I mean can I not just get someone else to answer this and study this shit should I be called for a formal interview?
So I continue reading and now I'm upon the 13 questions- and as I read them my inner voice answers these muthafuggas:
1. What interested you in this position and the "Jack Assedness" Org?
Well, I saw the position, thought I could do the job, it just so happened your asses were the ones hiring for this shit duhhhh!
2 What brings you to the job market? Uh are you muthafuggas serious? Let's see, ...my rent, con-ed and general need for cash in my pockets brings me to this market bitches... did you not get the Recession memo?
3. Do you have both print and online experience? Please briefly describe your experience with both. - Yes otherwise, why would I apply- no better yet, otherwise why would your monkey asses have opted for me and a plethora of other folks to answer these set of dumb ass questions- My experience with both? Hmmm.. guess I shouldn't have bothered to put that shit on my resume huh
4. In your previous jobs, were you required to meet deadlines? Were you successful in meeting them? Have you ever missed a deadline and what were the consequences?
Nah, wasn't required to meet deadlines, was just allowed to let shit slip by all willy nilly- due on the 2nd? Let's get that shit there on the 22nd! da hell you think!? Successful in meeting them? If you call the shits getting there at the last minute successful- HELL YEAH... what were the consequences? Some mofo like yourself sitting me down in a meeting asking me WTF happened- to which I'd respond you give me the shit I needed 2 days before it's due and expect the shit 2 days early... smart..
5.Do you have any budget experience? If so, please briefly describe. I've budgeted my salary and You'll see my budgeting skills when I'm able to get a metro card, a sandwich and go out for drinks after work! Again, guess I shouldn't have put that shit in my resume either...
6. Do you have any experience leading meetings, setting agendas, etc? Yep, After we go over what happened the night before on Bravo, I tell everybody to sit down and shut the fugg up (leading meetings), do as their told (agenda) and there won't be any problems...
Hey I sent you my resume, did you get it?
7. Have you ever worked with editorial and creative staff? Ok, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you didn't get my resume - Really? Why do ask for a resume? I mean all those years of job experience and duties I've listed and you're asking me this question?
8. How would you describe your ability to manage client relationships? See question 6
9. Have you ever managed vendors? Please describe your work with external vendors
Yes, I tell them what I want, they give me what I don't want, I ask them do they know who the fugg their dealing with and then they give me the job for free...
10. Have you ever gone on press runs? If so, please describe your role, etc.
If you mean that game show "Who wants to wait around while "Jeb" in a 'kerchief and one tooth rolls his eyes at me b/c I'm the pain in the ass city muthafugga who comes givin' them a hard time telling them to amp up the cyan, take down the magenta and fix the registration"? then yes and my role? To sit in a waiting room while Jeb and customer service figure out which part of the job they just fucked up is the least fucked up and will quickly get me out of their 2 strands of grey hair...
11. How would you rate your organizational skills and attention to detail? I'd rate my ability to pay attention to crap without getting a bout of torrets and screaming out "bullshit" a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. As for organizational skills I'd rate a 9 as well- I keep contradictory emails organized for reference later on when someone tries to pull a fast one on my ass...
12.Are you able to commute to our offices in New Jersey every day should you get this position? Not really, I was figuring that since you did NOT mention Telecommuting in the description that for sure that shit was an option- I mean I like applying for jobs and reading in between the lines 'n shit...
13.What are your salary expectations? I EXPECT to be paid more than a dishwasher in the middle of Guadelupe-Thanks!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Callin' Dave Chapelle!
You know NYC is a melting pot- but sometimes there's clumps of foolishness that can be quite unbelievable and funny...
So I'm riding the bus today and it's packed with "oldsters" so I'm in my seat just observing- b/c seriously the people who ride buses are quite amusing if ya ask me...
But this particular scene was straight outta the Dave Chapelle show...
Anywho- sitting in the front of the bus is a white man in his 60's, moderately well dressed (blazer, slacks etc)- seems to be a business man who's on his cell phone chatting away... the bus is getting even more crowded but he's taking up 2 seats, so someone alerts him to move his stuff, he gets off the phone and obliges...
A latino woman sits next to him and she's got 3 kids- 2 are about 6-9 years old and one baby. She sits down with the baby and the other 2 boys are standing up but one sits behind the man. The man turns to the woman and says "Where'd you get all these kids from!?"- I give the side eye because I'm like WTF kind of question is that, she picked them up at the store... stupid! Just as I'm thinking that the latino woman says "oh, it was buy one get one free!"... funny I thought, good response to such a ridiculous question.. The man is still smiling and looks back at the young boy behind him and says "Where'd you get that haircut from!"... The lil boy rolls his eyes and turns his head- even he recognizes that this man is a couple of fries short of a happy meal.
So the man says "oh this kid is smart he knows not to talk to strangers!", no not really, he knows not to speak to jackasses is more like it!
So a latino man sitting across from them says " his name is .... " something inaudible-sounds like Laurel or something, his accent is super thick so we don't know what he's saying. The white man says "What? What?" the latino man repeats himself again- and again incoherent. The white man says " What? Landen? Lauden? BIN LADEN!?" then shakes his head and gets off the bus...
I just held my head, I mean really? Where's Dave Chapelle when you need him?!
So I'm riding the bus today and it's packed with "oldsters" so I'm in my seat just observing- b/c seriously the people who ride buses are quite amusing if ya ask me...
But this particular scene was straight outta the Dave Chapelle show...
Anywho- sitting in the front of the bus is a white man in his 60's, moderately well dressed (blazer, slacks etc)- seems to be a business man who's on his cell phone chatting away... the bus is getting even more crowded but he's taking up 2 seats, so someone alerts him to move his stuff, he gets off the phone and obliges...
A latino woman sits next to him and she's got 3 kids- 2 are about 6-9 years old and one baby. She sits down with the baby and the other 2 boys are standing up but one sits behind the man. The man turns to the woman and says "Where'd you get all these kids from!?"- I give the side eye because I'm like WTF kind of question is that, she picked them up at the store... stupid! Just as I'm thinking that the latino woman says "oh, it was buy one get one free!"... funny I thought, good response to such a ridiculous question.. The man is still smiling and looks back at the young boy behind him and says "Where'd you get that haircut from!"... The lil boy rolls his eyes and turns his head- even he recognizes that this man is a couple of fries short of a happy meal.
So the man says "oh this kid is smart he knows not to talk to strangers!", no not really, he knows not to speak to jackasses is more like it!
So a latino man sitting across from them says " his name is .... " something inaudible-sounds like Laurel or something, his accent is super thick so we don't know what he's saying. The white man says "What? What?" the latino man repeats himself again- and again incoherent. The white man says " What? Landen? Lauden? BIN LADEN!?" then shakes his head and gets off the bus...
I just held my head, I mean really? Where's Dave Chapelle when you need him?!
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