13 Questions...

Recessions have allowed for the most ridiculous tactics to be implemented in the search for the "perfect" candidate. I applied for a job at a reputable organization in New Jersey a few weeks ago and they got back to me yesterday with a response that says that they are interested in me as a candidate and would like me to answer 13 questions so they could determine, pretty much, if I'm worth interviewing formally... really? 13 questions as a pre-interview? I mean really? not 2 or 3 but 13?
And I suppose when I get into the interview what the hell else are you going to ask me? My shoe size? If I like cheese on my burger? Am I lactose intolerant? I mean 13 questions IS the fuggin interview, No???!??? I guess the next step after that is a colonoscopy? I mean can I not just get someone else to answer this and study this shit should I be called for a formal interview?
So I continue reading and now I'm upon the 13 questions- and as I read them my inner voice answers these muthafuggas:
1. What interested you in this position and the "Jack Assedness" Org?
Well, I saw the position, thought I could do the job, it just so happened your asses were the ones hiring for this shit duhhhh!

2 What brings you to the job market? Uh are you muthafuggas serious? Let's see, ...my rent, con-ed and general need for cash in my pockets brings me to this market bitches... did you not get the Recession memo?

3. Do you have both print and online experience? Please briefly describe your experience with both. - Yes otherwise, why would I apply- no better yet, otherwise why would your monkey asses have opted for me and a plethora of other folks to answer these set of dumb ass questions- My experience with both? Hmmm.. guess I shouldn't have bothered to put that shit on my resume huh

4. In your previous jobs, were you required to meet deadlines? Were you successful in meeting them? Have you ever missed a deadline and what were the consequences?
Nah, wasn't required to meet deadlines, was just allowed to let shit slip by all willy nilly- due on the 2nd? Let's get that shit there on the 22nd! da hell you think!? Successful in meeting them? If you call the shits getting there at the last minute successful- HELL YEAH... what were the consequences? Some mofo like yourself sitting me down in a meeting asking me WTF happened- to which I'd respond you give me the shit I needed 2 days before it's due and expect the shit 2 days early... smart..

5.Do you have any budget experience? If so, please briefly describe. I've budgeted my salary and You'll see my budgeting skills when I'm able to get a metro card, a sandwich and go out for drinks after work! Again, guess I shouldn't have put that shit in my resume either...

6. Do you have any experience leading meetings, setting agendas, etc? Yep, After we go over what happened the night before on Bravo, I tell everybody to sit down and shut the fugg up (leading meetings), do as their told (agenda) and there won't be any problems...
Hey I sent you my resume, did you get it?

7. Have you ever worked with editorial and creative staff? Ok, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you didn't get my resume - Really? Why do ask for a resume? I mean all those years of job experience and duties I've listed and you're asking me this question?

8. How would you describe your ability to manage client relationships? See question 6

9. Have you ever managed vendors? Please describe your work with external vendors
Yes, I tell them what I want, they give me what I don't want, I ask them do they know who the fugg their dealing with and then they give me the job for free...

10. Have you ever gone on press runs? If so, please describe your role, etc.
If you mean that game show "Who wants to wait around while "Jeb" in a 'kerchief and one tooth rolls his eyes at me b/c I'm the pain in the ass city muthafugga who comes givin' them a hard time telling them to amp up the cyan, take down the magenta and fix the registration"? then yes and my role? To sit in a waiting room while Jeb and customer service figure out which part of the job they just fucked up is the least fucked up and will quickly get me out of their 2 strands of grey hair...


11. How would you rate your organizational skills and attention to detail? I'd rate my ability to pay attention to crap without getting a bout of torrets and screaming out "bullshit" a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. As for organizational skills I'd rate a 9 as well- I keep contradictory emails organized for reference later on when someone tries to pull a fast one on my ass...

12.Are you able to commute to our offices in New Jersey every day should you get this position? Not really, I was figuring that since you did NOT mention Telecommuting in the description that for sure that shit was an option- I mean I like applying for jobs and reading in between the lines 'n shit...

13.What are your salary expectations? I EXPECT to be paid more than a dishwasher in the middle of Guadelupe-Thanks!