So after a bit of a hiatus- I was told this story that made the people in my head fall out onto the floor and DIE!
A few months ago, my friend, *Sassy and I were having lunch and on the way back to her apartment building we ran into her neighbor, they exchange brief hellos and he continues to jog down the block. Now, Sassy, single and looking, tells me that "Joggin' Josh" has the hots for her, she's been told this by another neighbor who speaks to this guy regularly. Sassy has gotten the scoop from her neighbor on Joggin' - a good catch, lawyer, seems like he's got his shit together and is not bad looking and supposedly is Hung like a horse ... nice... I encouraged her to open up the connection for love... one minor hitch tho' he smokes weed like he's on his own version of Snoop Dogg's "Up in Smoke Tour". Sassy isn't feeling him all that much, but she's mildly open to the idea of a connection.
Fast forward to this past week, Sassy and Joggin' had run into each other in the building and chatted for a minute. They talked about how they both stay up late at night and current working situations and whatever else, so they exchange numbers and put out in the air a possibility of hanging out. So on Saturday night/Sunday a.m. Sassy is coming home from an outing and she gets a text from Joggin' pretty much checkin' in with her and saying "What's up". She replies back saying she just got home from a shindig etc... Joggin' invites her to come up to his place to watch a movie and chill. Sassy agrees...well alrighty then!
Sassy arrives at Joggin's apartment and they're watching a movie and "kissin' the sky" (smokin')... nice, everything is cool. Sassy feels there's a bit of tension, like Joggin' wants to make a move but he doesn't and she doesn't push it... so around 4 a.m. Sassy decides that it's time to go... Joggin is not too happy about this and goes through the whole "really?, you're leaving? awww"... so he walks Sassy to the door. At the door, he decides that this is his time to make a move so he throws Sassy against the wall and proceeds to attempt to find her tonsils, a total and complete makeout session, rubbin', kissin' etc...
So they take a break from each others dental exams and Sassy says "I really should go", he says to her "Can I ask you a question?" She's like "sure, what's up?", Joggin' says "You wanna stay and watch me while I jerk off?"...
*Record stops, side eye employed here*...
Sassy, totally flabbergasted, says "No, I don't want to stay while you do that" and then she leaves – totally shocked by what the hell just happened.
I mean really? Watch you while you jerk off?! WTF is this? Detective Dick's Watch N' Wack Reality Show? I think not! And at the very least, wait until the 3rd date to disclose your freaky shit to people! Day #1 is not the best time to let someone know that you like to have your balls banged with a mallet to the tune of MC Hammer's Can't touch this! Ya dig!?
So Joggin' feelin' a lil dis and dismissed (I suppose) sends her text messages for the remainder of the night and the following day, apologizing- saying "It must've been the weed"- homie I think that weed must've been the type Whitney Houston was smokin' which was laced with "Rock Cocaine" aka CRACK!
So a few days later, Sassy, tries to give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps it WAS the weed that made him lose his fuggin' mind! So she sends him a text saying "Hey you wanna catch a drink sometime this week?" He replies back "Sure, and are you up for a little Mission Observation?" She's a little befuddled, "Mission Observation?" is that an X-Box game she asks herself - (more like an XXX Box game). So she calls her friends to find out if there is indeed such a game – of course they are like "HELL NO!" So she texts him back " Mission Observation?" He replies "yeah, you come over and watch me"... flabbergasted and appauled again! She says absolutely not. He replies back "You know, I think I'm just wayyy too casual for you"...
No muthafugga don't try to get Degrassi Jr. High on her like you are apart of the cool kids, Casual is sweat socks and khaki's, kissing him on the first date, answering the phone "Yo" – NOT whippin' ya joint out and rocking your own world with the audience being someone who you know about as much as you know the manager of the friggin' laundrymat on the corner! How about you're just wayyyyy too nasty!
Sassy told me this story yesterday, coincidentally we saw him as we stood in front of the building talking... he cut across the street like a sly cat instead of walking past us and saying hello to her and the neighbor that both of them know... I thought it was "casual" muthafugga? Then why are you going across the street like a puss! I guess in the deep recesses of your mind, even YOU know that shit is about as casual as it is normal...
Wack job... literally...
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