The Devil....

How lovely can Friday's be especially at 5 o'clock! That is until this Friday- I realized the devil exists in human form. I was on my way to get my hair done and I had to jump in a cab to get to the joint... 

So I hail a yellow cab... schweet... I notice that he's got tape and shiz over the credit card machine screams out "I only take cash, no credit cards!" I just said- Ok (thinkin to myself- a lil overzealous aren't we?") He's writing down on the log of his fares.. And then I notice that there's a whole bunch of shiz in his windshield.. like lights, flashbulbs, etc...of course being who I am I say to myself- WTF is this shit, he better not be getting ready to blow my ass up in this bitch cuz this will get his cause NO attention.

So we are on our way uptown... I notice that the meter isn't moving, the lil tv inside the thing is out of wack showing some Windows prompting a restart- and I begin to feel uneasy. So I ask the driver "something wrong with your meter?" he's like "No, it's just restarting, taking a long time, it will start soon"... So as we ride... I look on the divider and I see 2 Hindu religious figures- no biggie, people often put religious items around the car to "bless them" right? (And he is an Indian man) So I look closer- on one of the cards of the Hindu figure-  it says in red lettering "God of killing all devils"... of course the inner voice in my head goes- "oh Shit, WTF did I just get into... " So I'm sitting there going back and forth in my head- "is this mofo one of them "blow 'em up" freaks-then I say, QuietStorm-stop that you playing into that shiz-So I sit there and observe some more... on the dashboard- A swastika like drawing- and the same on the mirror- So I say- hmmm maybe that's a religious symbol- that can't be what I think it means- so again, the inner voice says "Ask him what that is!? Damn it! Ask hiM it could mean Good Luck in other cultures after all that didn't start out to mean Hate, death & destruction." So I say to him, "excuse me sir, What's that symbol?"... he says "Swastika" So I say "like Hitler, Nazi, Hail Hitler Swastika" He says "that's right... this symbol means all Aliens kill all non-aliens" Now he didn't mean Alien like Mork & Mindy I know that for sure... Then he goes on to say "This symbol right here is the reason why 6 million Jews were killed" So I paused and said "uh-huh" "ok, let me out at the next corner please". He says "ok!", I pay him the fare and get the fugg out of the devil's lair... Because I know that if he feels that way about Jews- ain't no telling what he feels about me and my people... and I refuse to be apart of any one's racist rant-even if for a second. 

All I could imagine is that conversation turning into how Jews should be killed along with blacks and latinos and women should be under the foot of men- and then I'd be on the 6 o'clock, 11 o'clock and special edition of CNN for bashing his head into the dashboard and paying a crackhead $5 to burn his ass... 

In hindsight I should've reported him for A. having a fucked up cab with no credit card machine b/c all them bitchez are supposed to have it and B. for being a prejudiced mofo with effed up shit all over his vehicle.

Ahhhh.. Fridays... lovely aren't they?

They must be givin' out degrees at yo' school!

So I'm freelancing at this place (been here for about 4 months at this joint) and for the most part it's cool. But every place has it's on set of  files that must go into the "They must be givin' out degrees at your college!". 

Some background info before I begin- anyone who's freelanced knows that you are like a hooker for the night- (or in my case 4 months). You don't get an email address- you often get a random ass "Lowlyfreelancer@jackasscompany.com" and whatever station you happen to be sitting at is the number that you will be called on by the people sitting literally 2 steps away from you.

 

So, one lovely summer afternoon, I'm in this office just working along, listening to my pandora and my "SUPER-visor" comes in and says "You didn't get my message? or are you just ignoring me " I look at him bewildered, because I'm thinking to myself- "#1, you've got issues because why would I ignore your ass.. #2 I just checked email and got nothing" so I turn to him and say "what message?"

So he says "I left you a voicemail" I say, "on my cell phone?". Because why would you leave me a message on a phone that I can't access...

So he's like "no on the office phone"– so I push back from my computer- because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's when stupid people get too close to me, I have to put distance in between us 'cuz I don't need to get no stupid juice on me!

I said to him "This phone?, why would you think I could check messages on this phone?" He's like "you can't access messages? I thought you could". I said "doesn't it say someone else's name and has someone else's voice on it?"  He says "yeah but I thought you could check it"... 

I said to him "no I can't check it, and if I could check it, would I leave another person's name and voice on the machine?!" He just looks at me and says "I guess your right"... 

All I ask is for one step in the direction of Intelligence and Common Sense!

ONE STEP!

So Monday I was out sick and I left him a message saying I'm not coming in but I'll be in on Tuesday.

I get in on Tuesday morning, I'm checking my email- I see "Please confirm that you'll be in at 9 am on Monday, we have the following projects due tomorrow..."

Just as I'm about to respond- "Fulbright Scholar" comes in to my office- so I turn to him and say "you keep sending messages to this account asking me to confirm my schedule, you need to send them to my personal account!" He's like "you can't check the email from home" I pushed back again- because I'm wondering is there a fuggin' camera under my desk or some shit!? No one can be this retarded! So I said to him, "Did you hire me full-time? Am I listed in this company's directory as an employee?, Hell, do I even have an ID?" 

He looks at me perplexed- I said I'M A FREELANCER- YOU HAVE TO ADD ME TO THE SECURITY LIST EVERY MONTH LIKE I'M OSAMA BEEN HIDIN!! YOU HAVE TO SIGN MY TIME SHEET EVERY WEEK THAT SAYS "TEMP AGENCY! HOW CAN MY NAME BE PUT ON A PHONE OR AN EMAIL OR GIVEN SECURITY CLEARANCE TO ACCESS THE MAIL FROM HOME IF I'M NOT TECHNICALLY AN EMPLOYEE OF THIS COMPANY!"

He then says "hmmmm" as if something is just not sinking in.. I said "remember last week you asked me about the voicemail? it's the same issue with the email. They are not going to give a non-SuckaCompany employee a voicemail box or access to their system"

He says "hmmph, ok- gotta look into that". Now let me just say this mofo is 27 years old and is making over $100k a year as a Director.  He needs to take some of that fuggin money and go back to school for common sense... 

But he isn't the only one who's got Silly Mutton on the brain- as I'm writing this blog I get up to go get something from the printer, this woman who's the office assistant says "HI!!!!" I say "good morning" She then turns to me and says in a whispered tone "You should smile" I said "why?" She laughs as if I made a funny " did you just say Why?" I said "yes, I did, why? what am I smiling for? Did something funny/amusing just happen" 

Now this woman always smiles, "we didn't get the account"- Katy smiling like she done hit the lotto! "We've got cookies on edit side" -there she goes grinning... 

I said to her "when you smile all the time, people think you're crazy" and I just looked at her -flashing back in my mind to everytime she walks by someone's cube or the bathroom, people do the circle finger by the brain motion... cuz she be grinning nonstop... 

So what does good old Katy do? She just smiled and walked away....

Probably got the Charlie Brown song going in her head... 

crazy heffa... 

Betcha didn't know Vaseline was used for that!

Welcome back- and I hope you all had a wonderful fourth of July... I know I did... but know back to pushing our Rocks!

So I get a call from my friend- we'll call her Dumas... Any-who Dumas calls me a few days ago to let me know that she started taking a cycling class at her local gym- "Great" I replied. She then tells me about how the class was hard- she can't take pain and how her backside was hurting her. "That's normal" I replied. So she then says to me "My coochie needs a rub down". Now first off let me say- I'm not in the business of rubbing anything female related down- nor do I desire to know that such a need exists! So I told her "You are a nasty piece of work and that's more information than I needed to know!"  So our conversation ends with me calling her all kinds of nasty mofo-fuckers and such.

So about 2 days after that I call her to say what's up- so she tells me she's home sick from work. I'm like "wow summer cold- bummer". She's like "no I don't have a cold- I couldn't go to work because my vagina is dry..." Dead silence on the phone on my end... I'm thinking "no this heffa didn't just tell me this shit"

I'm on lunch at the time of this phone call so needless to say this wasn't very appetizing. Then she goes on and on about how it's "SOOOO DRY!" Again I tell her she's nasty and perhaps she should go to the Gyno and get that looked at. So she's like "well I'm gonna go to the 99c ent store and see if they have something"

LIKE WHAT? SOME SHIT THATS GONNA MAKE U ITCH SOME MORE!??? I was like whatever- this girl has been known to be cheap so I dunno why I'm suprised by this tomfoolery... 

So I say to her perhaps you should try to go to Duane Reade and look at some stuff they have in the Feminine Hygiene aisle- she's like well "I put Vaseline on it so I should be okay for now".

Yes cars come to a screeching halt, mouths drop open and I stop dead in my tracks in the middle of Midtown Manhattan and in a dazed look I say to this trick- "YOU DID WHAT!?"

Now I know we all do some stupid shit and I know I don't have a manual for my body- but I know one thing- I don't put no muthafuggin Vaseline on my private parts- ya dig!?

So after I realize that she isn't joking- I said to her "Bitch are you crazy!?" Because what else am I supposed to say to some dumb shit like that!  What else am I supposed to say to a 34 year old woman- who puts Vaseline in her Va-jay jay?! "That was a good idea"? Oh yeah! That makes sense! 

Because you put VASELINE which is a petroleum jelly and that has a warning that says " NOT FOR INTERNAL USE" Guess she thought that meant don't mix it with ya fuggin Kool Aid! or better yet don't use when you have dry mouth! Idiot!

I told her "Don't you think that would cause you to attract more bacteria?" She gets quiet on the phone as a child does when they've been made painfully aware that they shouldn't have stuffed 2 marbles up their nose!

And she had the nerve to tell her boyfriend of 8 months this foolishness too- he just looked at her shook his head and went in the room. And then she wonders why he is hesitant about marriage and children... 

hmmmm... I wonder why...