Karma comes quick fo' dat ass.

So I get a call from my friend who tells me a story about a customer...

The customer comes in to the showroom- a woman, kinda ritzy, with 2 kids and her nanny. So my friend greets them, he's the only one in the showroom... "hello ma'am". "Hello" she says. He starts chatting with her about the products, finding out what she's looking for, etc... Meanwhile the nanny is holding both of her kids- one is about a year, the other.. a 3 year old.  While he's talking, he sees the Nanny is growing weary trying to balance these 2 kids, so she begins to put the 3 year old down on a chair... 

The mother says "ah, don't put my child down on that it's dirty", the nanny replies "My arms are getting tired I just need to adjust for a sec"... 

"I pay you to carry my children around!", the mother says.... 

My friend says "whooaaaa"... cuz he just couldn't help himself. The nanny says to him "You see this? You see how she talks to me?"

The mother says "don't put my child down on that, it's dirty!"  Then my friend interjects and says "well can't you hold the child while she stretches her arm out?" She looks stunned, "no" she says "I pay HER to carry my children around!" 

The nanny looks at my friend, then looks at the mother and says  "I've had enough of this shit, I'm leaving", she shoves the 1 year old in the arms of the mother and puts the 3 year old down on the bench and storms out the store... So my friend is standing there with a lil smirk, chuckling to himself...

I'm like can't that 3 year old walk? or was he a special needs deal? My friend is like, "ain't nothin' wrong with that mofo that he couldn't stand up on those 2 lil feet and walk around the store!"

The mother is now standing in the store looking at my friend saying " can you hold this one for a second". He replies, "that's your child and company policy says I am not allowed to touch your kid, I'll get fired".... "But it's just for a second" she says... he says "Sorry ma'am, company policy"... 

So she gets on her cell phone and calls her husband "The Nanny just quit! And this guy in the store won't help me!" So here goes my friend "Gotta Get Loud Gary", screaming loud enough for the person on the phone to hear  "Now I done told you, I can't pick up your kid because of company policy ma'am, tell the whole story!" She gets flustered hangs up the phone and grabs the 3 year old and goes flying out the door and huffing up the street... 

Karma met yo' ass today didn't it?

Women and Shoes

Winter time is my favorite time of the year and I love it partly because of the cold weather... 

Now I like to be out in the cold weather appropriately dressed- that means, all my shit is covered up... but, alas, not all of us get the memo that it's cold out this mofo... 

I'm on my favorite train going home the other night and I see these 3 young chickies on the train- they must be at least 19 or so... 

So I'm listening to my ipod and jamming and I'm looking at one of the 3 chicks, she's a pretty girl, nice hair, big girl- jacket's a lil too snug, slacks... I get down to her feet... My mind is saying... 

Them shoes is jacked up... and i know her baby toe must be hollering for freedom.. she got on regular flats, but her feet are wide and the shoes are stretched out... then I'm saying she got on stockings? OH HELL NO... thems her feet lookin' white and opaque like Hanes stockings! WTH! 

She sittin' there shivering and we need to tell chicks cute don't gotta mean cold! When your feet are looking like you've been dancing in the middle of flour it's time to A. get some lotion and B. get some shoes that provide accurate coverage for your hooves in the middle of winter ya dig?

This brings me back to the spring when I was on the train one morning and I'm standing near the conductor's booth and a woman gets on the train and sits down and I notice everyone is staring at her.. but I don't think anything of it, people stare maybe she got some shiz hanging from her nose... whatever... so this other lady gets on the train and sits down across from the woman and digs in her bag and pulls out a band-aid and reaches across the aisle and says "you want?". The woman, who I can't see fully, motions "no" with  her hand.. so I'm thinking maybe old girl got a paper cut since I see her wringing her hands... 

So my nosey ass peeks around the corner at the lady... "she looks fine to me" I say to myself, I look at her hands... hands seem fine... I go back to my regular position, the woman is staring at her like "bitch take this band aid"... I look again, scan down to her feet...  Que Theme Music from Psycho... Oh shit.. her feet are banged the fuck up you hear me! Homegirl had open toed shoes on and looked like several squirrels came and went hammertime on her damn toes. Not one toe was unscathed.. bleeding toes, cut on her ankle... she must've fallen or tried to go thru a bevy of pigeons whilst they were chowing down on a mountain of bread... But now I see why she rejected the woman's offer... homegirl would've needed 10 band aids to help her... it was only 8:30 am and she was on her way to work no doubt, so you know by 5 she was probably crawling to the damn train station!

Ladies, when you can't tell the difference between your skin and stockings that means it's too cold to be outside with no stockings/socks! and if you can't walk in ya shoes... please.... take them shits off... 

When Stupids attack

So I'm in my office... typing away... 

Here comes the ditz of the office- "helllooooo"

I greet her "Hi" and smile and continue with my typing, 

She sighs and proceeds to dig in the pen cube on my desk and picks up a blue sharpie...and says 

"Is this blue?" Now, let me describe the sharpie to those who don't use them- the sharpie has a colored top to indicate what color it is, since they come in a plethora of colors... so blue top means blue ink, green top-green ink.. you get the picture... 

So you understand my bewilderment at the question- I stopped typing and gave her the same look mothers give children who just asked for another cookie after having 3 - the look that says "Get your lil ass outta here before you get knocked out!" So Dingle Ditz says to me "Oh you don't know, siiiiighhhhh we don't have markers"...  I'm thinking as I'm glaring at her with my mouth ajar- "Bitch it's blue, you can't see that? Then you wonder why you been the assistant for the department for 10 years and no one has given you a chance at doing anything else... cuz clearly you retarded!"

I turn around and keep typing because if I continue to look at her I might also get a case of the Stupids.... 

NY Shit Part 2: Say No to Drugs...

So Hubby & I are sitting outside in our hood enjoying the semi-warm temps... it's around 7:30 or 8 last night.  We're sitting on these benches across from our house and we see a couple come walking down the hill- girl and a guy, they go off in the corner.  Now often teens go into that corner to smoke or get felt up or whatever...

So we're sitting there for about 30 mins. and all of a sudden, the girl comes around the corner screaming on the phone, "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, COME GET ME OH MY GOD!". She's walking toward where we are sitting - now there are about 10 benches- old girl is screaming "OH MY GOD, COME GET ME SHIT! COME GET ME!" and sits down next to me... all the other benches are clear. So you know me... I'm thinking, this bitch is up to some shit... I give her the side eye. The guy she was with is slowly walking behind her, so I'm like "WTF is goin' on here" So I tell hubby... "Move down to the other bench"... As we move, she's screaming at her mother on the phone "Mommy, come get me I'm scared I'm scared! Oh My god I was smoking weed!" The guy sits next to her (he's  around 20 something) he's talking softly "yo what's up with you? Why you trippin'? What's wrong?" So she's like "You did something to me you asshole!! Oh my God! Oh My God" The guy is still talking softly "What's wrong? What I do? " 

We assume he must've been rubbing up on her or tried to stick it in in the corner and she's just in pain... either way I ain't no gynecologist so I told Hubby, time to go upstairs, she playin' games... Hubby, being the nosy ass he is, says "nah lets see what this is about". So then the girl calls 911... I'm like HELL naw! She's yelling at the operator "COME GET ME I'M 15 ! I WAS SMOKING WEED OR SOME SHIT! DON"T U UNDERSTAND"... by this time another young guy maybe 18 yrs old has sat down a few benches down from us and looks a lil "Cuckoo Bang Bang" if ya know what I mean...

So I was like I'm out, I don't wanna be around when the cops come and they try to pin some shit on our asses for being out there... by this point– old girl is paranoid and spazzing out. I was like I'm out, and get up, the girl starts to motion toward us but realizing that we thinks she's playing (or at least I thought old girl was playing) she sits down. Then she gets up and walks down to "Cuckoo Bang Bang" and says "OH MY GOD, MY HEART IS BEATING FAST!" again she gets on the phone... Cuckoo Bang Bang is lookin' at her like she crazy... then she goes "FEEL MY HEART!" takes his hand and puts it on her chest... Hubby and I are sitting across the street watching this unfold cuz this looks like it's about to be a porno... then old girl gets up and gets on the phone starts walking up the block screaming "MOMMY COME GET ME!" and proceeds to scream and spazz out... turns out the guy (who looked to be about 20 something laced her weed with some Coke or PCP. The ambulance came as well as her mother came and someone else came... they had to sedate her ass cuz she was gettin' belligerent up in the ambulance...  

So as we're sitting there in front of our building watching the police write up an incident report  and the ambulance take off... Hubby and I turn our heads in the other direction and here comes Susy the Alcoholic, clearly high off her Jones walking like she's in a drunken military brigade... stops in front of us throws both hands up in the air and slurs "THWEE HATH A NEW PRETHIDENT!" .... heffa the election was 3 days ago... you just now gettin' the results? 

I looked at hubby and got up and went in the house... I had enough excitement for one day...

We got Obama in the White House but Suzie's still in the Crack House....

Say No to Drugs