Jailbirdin'

Sometimes friends can make even Jesus smoke crack and drink a gallon of tequila, just to deal with them. I have absolutely no consolation in this ridiculous tale of foolishness...
One of my friends is married- now before you say "ok, not so bad"- let me finish- she's married to an ex con (in my opinion fuck the Ex- he's still a con)... They've known each other for over 20 years and had dated back when they were 16 and then reconnected WHILE HE WAS IN JAIL in 2004. He was writing her, because after all what the hell else you got to do in jail but fuggin' write! But whatever, in 2004, they reconnected once he got out the clink and apparently, she was feeling lonely after just getting out of another RIDICULOUS relationship...

In December of 2004 they started hanging out and quickly became a couple... cuz of course, she's a hot commodity to an ex-con, she's got a nice apt., money and she don't look like a cast member of fuggin' 'Oz'. You can tell that I was excited about this pair, right?... *side eye*
So she embarks on a relationship with "Peebo, the Jailbird Negro", only to see him locked up again in March of 2005 for robbery - well what did she expect- he's a career criminal... ain't much else he knows how to do but take people's shit... but again, I digress...
So of course, he says he didn't do it,– of course, 'cuz from your rap sheet that's so long that it can double as a fuggin' ballroom gown on Rupaul's Drag Race, we would believe that you ain't rob the person... whatever...

So in March 2005 Peebo gets sentenced to 5 years in jail hard time- most normal people would see this as an Amistad "Give Us Free" Moment, but no, not the Rhodes Scholar that is Diane*. She feels that she's in love with him and wants to stick it out... so in 2006 a month before I get hitched, Diane goes up to the jail and gets married to Peebo in a lovely ceremony- complete with muthafuggin' strapped security guards, a warden,a tropical backdrop and Rondu as your best man...*eyes rolling*. Who knows why she did it, maybe it was hearing of all the wedding stuff I had to go thru and her wishing the same for herself. But just one side note Diane- you can't plan no elaborate wedding in jail- after all the "guests" can't have real cutlery and the state ain't sponsoring a 3 course meal complete with champagne to a bunch of fools who rob, steal and kill.

Of course myself nor any of her family members knew about this wedding until way after she said I do. So we all are trying to be supportive family, friends etc and we don't say anything to her, about this foolishness. In fact, we try to appear happy for her, relationships are hard enough and 10x hard when all of your people believe that Flava Flav would've been a better choice for a spouse. Throughout these past 5 years myself and her family have watched and listened as she journeyed upstate to have conjugal visits( 'cuz nuthin' says Lovin like a armed guard outside a trailer while you gettin' ur swerve on- sexy!), adding money to his commisary and bringing food back and forth so much I thought the heffa was trying to re-enact the Food Networks Neely's PRISON STYLE... seriously... don't get me started!

So fast forward to January of this year, 2010, Peebo alas has managed to fulfill his bid and he is released. The entire family and all of her friends are not happy about this moment at all, but we ain't in that relationship so we stand on the side lines... So apparently, in jail they must give these people (or just him) pipe dreams of believing that he (with a PHD in robbery) would be able to find a job quick fast! So upon his release from Chateau De Prison he quickly finds out that #1. There ain't no jobs and #2. There ain't no jobs for no ex-cons. I mean if people with 2 degrees and NO criminal record are finding it hard to find a job – how would he find a job and he's barely got a GED and all of his work experience was behind 5 sets of steel bars... Fugg outta here!

So she asks me to design some flyers for him- again trying on that "Supportive friend" shoe, I oblige, even tho' I know the shoe is gonna give me a blister! So he wants 500 flyers that pretty much advertise his "services". What services you ask? Apparently he's handy- NO? A HANDY THIEF!?- almost like a Chef who can Cook- *side eye* the flyer says he can buff floors, sweep, walk dogs, train monkeys you know the drill... he can do it all...whatever. I design it, she asks me to print it on my home computer- I say "sure, how many does he need? 5-10?" she says "No, about 500"- I quickly kick that supportive shoe off and ask "heffa do you think you called muhfuggin' Kinko's? unless that fool is good at making ink too don't think you gonna get me to print no damn REAM of fuggin' paper for him!" So after seeing things my way she decided to go with getting Kinko's to print it...

I thought, maybe he's turned over a new leaf- he wants to plaster the neighborhood with these things to "advertise" his business. That was a month ago- them flyers are still sitting in her house. So Peebo then decides it's time to get a resume together, I guess after hearing about my "helpfulness" with the flyer both of them decided I'm not the one to ask to play Career Counselor, so they ask her sister. I see the resume, good, nice format- I start to read under experience. "Maintenance" -"oh" I say to myself, "he does have some experience"- I look at where- NYS Department of corrections- Nope, don't think that's gonna land you on the top of the "hire me" pile- in fact he had 4 jobs listed all of 'em under the NYS Department of Corrections!

So fast forward to last week, I get a call from Diane- she wants to chat with me b/c I'm married and she wanted some advice on how to deal with her husband- because after all, they've been married for 3 years and this is the first time they are living together as a married couple- "Jesus be Judge Joe Brown" I think to myself... And why she asking me, my husband ain't in the clink and ain't never been- in fact I let him know if that's on a path he wants to take his NEW wife will be "Big Bubba in Cell block #5"... shit....

It appears that she saw some post in a chat on facebook that he was having with another woman on FaceBook- you know what my first question was- WHY HE GOT A FACEBOOK!? He should have a JOB BOOK- DON'T DO STUPID SHIT TO GET ARRESTED BOOK! Not Facebook! And you ain't go to school or have no job so who the hell you tryin to reconnect with!? Go to your probation officer and reconnect with them fools there!

But whatever! She sees a sexual message from another woman saying "I want to taste you"-WHOA! Well Well... Is this what we doin all day, huh? real fuggin' productive! Guess he's getting his writing skills up to date- stupid muthafugga.
So she asks him about it and his response is "that's my cousin, it ain't what you think"... What?
So she asks to see the message again and so he says "No I don't look thru your things"...
Now first off mofosucka- if that is ur cousin- you're about the nastiest mofo OUT! #2 You just got home- not even a full 6 months and u doin this shit? #3. Go to the library or how about be a productive member of the household and cook dinner so she don't have to when she come home, after all u on ur ass doing nothing!
So she asks me "what would you do?" I tell her that's not my place to tell u, what do YOU want to do is the more important question- how do YOU want to proceed. You a grown ass woman I can't tell you what to do with YOUR marriage but I will tell you this- You don't talk freaky to your cousin- so don't fall for the stupid shit ok?

She decided to "forgive" him and she told him "respect the house , I don't want to hear about the girl or see her and I don't want to talk about this no more"––– so basically she's giving him a pass b/c his thing can be that he can continue just as long as she don't see/hear it... real bright- Rhodes Scholar you say? Magna Cum Laude, yes? They just don't make 'em like you no more...

I just told her I'd speak to her later- as I'm getting off the phone she asks me "should I forgive him?" The more important question is after all this, will you be able to forgive yourself...

They say God takes care of fools and babies-she ain't no baby, but she damn sure a fool....