Stupid Mutha**&#(#*&

So I've been at this gig for a minute-coming up on a year-being a permalancer here and it never ceases to amaze me how stupid people in management positions are. When I first got here a year ago there was a young lady who worked with me, who was a bit of a drag to others in the department- she didn't want to do much and claimed that certain tasks were not her "fuckin' job" as she so eloquently stated at least 100 times.

Her boss, who I'm freelancing for asked her a few times to burn a few cds and dvds- to which she replied, "my computer doesn't have a burner"... I often found this to be odd since I have the same computer at home and I have a burner. Not to mention it's a 2008 imac- the chances of that not having a CD burner are about the same as it not coming with a mouse! 

So fast forward about 7 months later to today, the eloquent speaker had been fired earlier and her replacement is now using the computer. I'm in a meeting with the boss and he asks, "does that other computer have a burner? or is your computer the only one that has a burner?" I tilt my head, surely you jest, a year later and you still haven't checked to see if the shit has a burner!? Not to mention how are you a creative director with a mac at home and claim to be knowledgeable about technology and NOT know that  OF COURSE the computer can burn?!?!?  So after tilting my head and my hand on my hips like a mother who's about to open up a can of whoop ass on a child, I say, "you've been asking that question for a year, I'm 100% positive that computer has a burner." He says, "well the previous girl told me she couldn't burn, but maybe she just didn't want to do the work", I reply "that sounds more likely to be the case than a 2008 imac not having a burner". I leave his office and go to the woman who's working on said computer and I say "Do me a favor, take this blank CD and burn something on there", she obliges me and burns a CD. Right on queue the Dingle Dick Director walks in and I say "you can burn on that computer, she just burned a CD to prove it", he says "Unbelievable! Un- Be-Liev-A- Ble! that's a good thing".... then says "thanks" and walks out.... 

I said to the other girl, what's "Unbelievable" is that for a year his monkey ass sat up in this department and didn't even bother to check to see if the computer has burning capability... what's even more "unbelievable" is that you really took the word of a woman who you described as being lazy!

What's even more believable is that you can walk and chew gum at the same time- stupid mutha*&^#(@)(@

Crouchin' Tiger Hidden Fool...

So this chick at work is chattin' with me about random shiz and we happen to come upon her boyfriend who she tells me needs to move out of his neighborhood. Her boyfriend moved to Brooklyn-Bed Stuy-yep Do or Die...

Anyway, her boyfriend is coming home from work, walking under the scaffolding in his neighborhood while talking on his blackberry when all of a sudden, a guy accosts him from behind and then a second man came running across the street and swings on the scaffolding and kicks this man in the head! Luckily he suffered minor injuries to his head after Crazy LeRoy went Kung Fool on him... 

Now...

I'm dying inside! But the thing is she was giggling while she was telling the story because no matter what side of the story you are on, that shit is funny... Forgive me ya'll, it's not right to laugh.. but picture the scene! He probably was happy and shit, talking on the phone 'til .Batman & "ROB HIM" showed up swinging like they in the circus! 

 

What the hell is going on in this world?!!! Mofos are flying thru the air like superman to rob people... 

Be careful out there!

 lol

Nip/Tuck- The Office Version

I'm here at work, working on some product 'ish when this idiot manager emails me some photos of herself from her New Year's gathering she calls me and tells me she wants me to photoshop her fuggin' kangaroo pouch and make her look like she's not carrying 6 lil babies in her effin' stomach... 

I say "ok" I'll work on it but she's squished up with 4 other people in the photo and there's not much more I can do but remove the bumps... 

I do the work and email them to her... she calls me "they're ok, but... can you make me look skinnier"

In my head I'm thinking "This bitch is giving me crack cocaine and expecting a polio vaccine!"

So I said to Nip/Tuck "Well since you are squished together in between 2 people that's gonna be kinda hard and I'll probably end up making your friends next to you look fat"... silence.. "I don't care about them" she laughs, "I just want to be thin".... "Ok" I say, she pleads "please work on me some more, pleeassse"  "Ok" I say... I hang up... So I create a false opening between her and the friend next to her in the photos, she looks thinner than the last photo... 

The effed up part is this bitch is worried about the width of her hips in the photos when her motherfuggin face and neck is more wrinkled than a damn bed sheet in a $5 hotel! Seriously... are your friends only going to say "she's fat" when they see your wide ass hips and totally ignore the fact that "Father Time" has done a break dance session all on ya face? No they will still be passing the picture around to their friends saying "can you believe how old she's gotten!" Bitch got more rings around her neck than a 100 year old tree! And she asking me to waste my time gettin' rid of her hips... If you gonna ask me to waste my time to photoshop fake space between u and your friend then ask me to photoshop less wrinkles on ya face!

Ass

Resolution #1

A new year always brings new resolutions... and of course to lose weight is always on the top of the list for many... such as my friend Tina who had a reality check this weekend... (names have been changed to protect the crazy)
Tina goes to a clothing store with her mother to buy some new blouses for work- she's not a small girl.. but has an interesting shape.. picture a ball on 2 sticks (the sticks being her leg). She's about a size 18 at least she was the last time I saw her.
Tina calls me last night and tells me "giiirrrlll I went to the store to get some new blouses for work and I take 4 shirts into the dressing room, I try the first one on and that shirt stopped MID BREAST!" I'm thinking to myself and then I say out loud to her "Dayammmmm"
So she goes and picks what she thought was the next size up- a 22- and takes them to the register and purchases them.. She gets home and looks at the shirts - " a size 24?" she screams, "This bitch switched my clothes!" As she's telling me I'm thinking "yeah because the salesperson really got it in for you, so much that she must switch ya damn clothes"
As she's huffing and puffing, an angel must've whispered in her ear... "Try on the clothes idiota." She tries on the shirts... Voila They Fit!
She's upset, embarrassed and calls me right then lamenting about how she's gone up 3 shirt sizes- usually I'm a bit more sympathetic but I couldn't hold on any longer "THREE SIZES UP?" I scream "DAYAM!" cuz I mean really- the last time I saw her was in the summer and she was a 18 then- but she's been eating pints of ice cream like they vitamins...
She says "I don't want to talk about it anymore, change the subject"... "ok, sorry" I say. But all the while I'm thinking - "3 sizes in like 6 months! At this rate she gonna need another zip code for her ass!!" So she moves on to chat about a belt for some shirt she wanted to buy etc... then mid sentence she says "What about the Grapefruit Diet? You think that works?" "Hell No" I scream- "STOP EATING SHIT FOODS!!" I continue "How about you try the "Let me stop eating a pint of ice cream a day before I need butter to squeeze my ass thru the door of my apartment" diet?" She laughed but was a lil annoyed, she couldn't see why I was yelling at her... but common sense must be applied here! If you were poppin' pints of ice cream like muthafuggin tic tacs, do you really think a Grapefruit diet is gonna work? After week 1 of grapefruit she'll be smotherin' that shit with chocolate sauce... let's not get extreme... it didn't take 1 month for ur ass to go up 3 sizes so it won't take 1 month for that shit to come off! Then she says to me "that's my New Year's resolution, to lose weight!"

Her resolution needs to be to put down the ice cream and pick up a vegetable...

Happy New Year!

Apple Cider is fo' Gangstas!

So I'm riding the #1 train downtown one afternoon and I'm standing there rocking to my itunes.. when I notice behind me there's "Someone" who seems to be a couple of fries short of a happy meal... I notice this person is a lil more loonier than usual from the stares and the way people come on the train and quickly move to get away, not to mention he's incessantly rocking and swaying even when the train is not in motion... Anyway, said Looney gets on about 125th...
I turn around to face him and have my back to the door- after all I'd rather fall out the door than be clobbered with a bottle of Ripple right?
So I'm now facing Loon... who by all accounts looks normal... young guy maybe 31, attractive... very concerned with his appearance...after all he's bent down twice to wipe the imaginary dirt off of his brand new Timberlands he probably got for Christmas from his Grandmama...
We cruise by a few stations and I see him taking swigs from this bottle... looks like champagne... others are aware of this as well and keep looking at him in amazement and disgust... as he takes 3 or 4 swigs from the bottle and appears to be drunk... I say to myself "he's bold to be drinking out in the public like that, must be crazy, looks like he's gonna finish that whole bottle by next stop.. damn, he's drunk or tipsy to say the least the way he's rockin' like that and lookin crazy..." He burps like he's had 12 brews... sexy... this one needs a date...
Then I notice... "hmmm the bottle looks familiar, I'm not a champagne drinker tho'... hmmmm.. why that look like... HOLD UP... this motherfugger is drinking MARTINELLI'S SPARKLING APPLE CIDER!.... "
Oh yeah you real gangsta... guess you got some motherfuggin' animal crackers in ya pocket too and Sesame street undies on ... ya bitch ass... you actin' like you drunk off of Apple Cider... bet ya Fiddy Cent would sign you up for his band of merry men... Scarface ain't got nothin' on you do he? bitch ass...

Remember kiddies, drink up the Apple Cider so you too can be a fake ass gangsta!

Shit happens... lol

Nice Saturday afternoon hubby is at work, nothing too eventful until a woman walks in with 2 children... One is about 3- a lil girl and the other is a 12 year old special needs boy...
"Oh boy" is right...
Side Note: hubby works at a place that sells like outdoor backyard equipment-clubhouses slides etc.
So the woman is looking at a particular set, and she puts the 12 year old in the swing and starts to push him... he seems to be ok... So hubby begins to talk to the lady about the pros of the set and price and how her kids would love it... "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" moans the 12 year old... hubby stops and looks at the boy who is on the swing, swinging gently but... he's holding his stomach and turning up his face... "uuuuhhhhhhhhhh" he moans again...
Hubby says "ma'am do you want to tend to him?" She says to him, clearly annoyed, "please, let's just focus on this, he's fine"... so hubby continues "The set comes with..." "UHHHHHHHHHHH" moans 12 year old and then a series of farts commence like trumpets in a band and a shit storm emerges from the kids backside as he's swinging... he's got shit on his back, there's shit on the swing, there's shit on the ground...
Hubby paused and looks at the woman and immediately says "the swing is $69.99"... After turning BEET red and fumbling...she hands him her credit card... he hands her clorox spray and a roll of paper towels... cuz he ain't touchin' shit! ... LITERALLY!
She buys the swing and cleans up and rushes the kids out the door... meanwhile the 3 year old is saying "Mommy, Teddy Poo-Poo? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Teddy Poo Poo?"...

No baby... Teddy Shit!

The Representative...

So Hubby got reconnected with an old family friend he knew from childhood recently and has been chatting it up with dude for about 2 weeks now...
Old boy is nice, however I get a funny feeling every time he's around... something in my gut just says- "this mofo is effed up!"
So last week, Old boy comes by-now hubby tells me he told him that he gets off of work at 6 but he'll be home by 7 so come by then... 6:01pm.. my intercom rings... WTF.. this mofo didn't turn back his clock on Daylight Savings or what!? So I answer- buzz dude in and so the foolishness begins...
He comes in- nothing awry, he's carrying 2 bags- claims the last time he showed up he came with "2 long arms" - I tell him, "that's nice, you didn't have to do that"... I get this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach like I don't trust dude AT ALL...
So I take his coat and tell him come in the dining room cuz I'm in the kitchen cooking... and I'm also thinking "Mofo I know you got velcro hands so I know I needs to keep an eye on your ass!"
So we get to chatting, dude tells me his life story, he rents a room in a halfway house, has no money, on welfare, and gets SSI ...WTF, this mofo is 28 years old... I think to myself.. LOSER... you ain't even 30 and you halfway housin' it AND on welfare- yeah you the prime bachelor....on muthafuggin Good Times!
Then he tells me "your husband recommended I apply for a job etc and I think he was upset b/c I told him I don't want to mess up my benefits" I say "What benefits?" cuz I'm thinkin' I KNOW your ass don't think welfare and SSI is a "Benefit" you lazy sack of ...
Anyway, he says "my SSI and welfare benefits"... nice... you bout as useful as a wet paper bag in the rain.. So he continues to talk... I tell him "well then don't have him waste his time trying to hook u up with a job if u are content with ur current status, it's up to you what you want to do with your life".. he's like "true" ... what a waste of breath and tax money...
So he's talkin and I'm in and out of listening... he starts to talk about his girlfriend- or ex girlfriend... here we go... so he tells me "she's into the fast life, gettin' that fast money"... I ask- trying to be polite... "are you 2 still together or what?" he says, "no, we're just friends but we got alot of money when we were together, I kind of acted as her representative"... My mind does a a rewind of the stories Hubby has told me about Old Boy... OH YEAH! I remember now... his ex-girl is a... PROSTITUTE!... so in other words you telling me that you was her PIMP!
Representative my ass! WTF is that?! I guess a drug dealer is a representative for the Pharmaceutical industry!? Fuck outta here with the bullshit! I tilt my head and give him the side eye... my gut intuition is now intense... cuz I knew there was something about this big headed bug-eyed mofo standing in my house... I just say "uh huh" as he tells me that she's into the fast money and he tried to get her to settle down... I wanted to scream IDIOT YOU CAN"T TURN A HO INTO A HOUSE WIFE!?
So I guess he sees the look of disgust on my face – lip turned up, eyes rolling usually causes one to clam up... but no he continues with the saga- "she was into drugs too and so was I" ...
Wait...
What?
YOU A DOPE HEAD TOO?! WHERE'S MY KNIFE!? I said to him "ok, I've heard enough..."
15 mins later.. hubby calls from downstairs and tells him to come down they had somewhere to go... I get Old Boy's coat and walk him to the door... he's standing facing me and I said "go down the stairs and to the exit on ur left" and then I slam the door while he's preparing to say something else...
I thought the foolishness was over... but oh how wrong I was...
Hubby and Old boy return with hubby's cousin... hubby's cousin looks a tad bit annoyed.. pulls me in the kitchen says "WTF is wrong with that dude?" I said "dunno.. what happened" He tells me that during a discussion about children, he shows Old Boy a pic of his daughter who is 15 and said to him "this is my daughter she's 15" to which Old Boy responds "Oh word? She's beautiful, you got any girls that look like her"... Cousin goes off -"Motherfucker what the fuck you just said I told you that was my 15 year old daughter ASS!" Old Boy retracts and says "oh I'm sorry, didn't mean it like that" ... yeah ok R.Kelly...
A lil later- Old Boy gets a call on his cell... it's some chick he's met online.. she's sent him a pic...
he asks "Can I check my email?" "Sure" hubby says... so he goes and checks his email... big ole pic of some fat girl comes up on the screen... hubby says "who the hell is that?"... he's like "this chic I'm talking to on the phone now"... so hubby shakes his head and leaves the room... but myself and the cousin are still in there ... we're watching t.v. and we hear Old Boy telling his life story about the halfway house and welfare to internet girl over the phone... we look at each other like "WTF"and we both leave the room...So maybe 15 minutes later, he's done with the call and we return to the living room, he asks hubby "how do you erase something on your computer?" Hubby says quickly... "you can't".. so shortly after Old Boy gets up and all of a sudden has to leave...we're all like OK... he leaves...
So I get on the computer after he leaves cuz I wanna see the pic he was looking at of old girl, so I check the history... wait a minute... TRANSEXUAL DATING ONLINE? excuse me?
I push my seat back and turn to hubby and his cousin and say "That mofo is into transsexuals?!"
They both do like Scooby Doo and say "argh?"
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT AT SOMEONE'S HOUSE? Searchin' for chicks with dicks is not something you do at ya friends house! If ya monkey ass ain't got a computer then go to the library with that shit or the internet cafe! Damn freak ass mofo!
So hubby is appalled and embarrassed...and apologizes profusely to me... I mean talk about taking a turn to the left side of the earth... so the next day he calls him and tells him "my wife came across something about transsexuals, yo you into that shit?" he says "oh no, I clicked on that by accident" Hubby says.. "Yo cut the bullshit, we could see that you have an account! If it was an accident it wouldn't have your username filled out in the address!!!" Dead silence... Then
he says "Please don't tell anybody in the family, tell your wife I'm so sorry, I'm so embarrassed"...Hubby says "Yo man, why you choose to do that shit at my house"... "I don't know" he says... Hubby hangs up on him...
I know why... cuz ya ass was crazy and trying to send us signals that you wanted to bang my husband and his cousin... freak nasty ass...
Needless to say... he ain't welcomed in my house NO MORE!