Resolution #1

A new year always brings new resolutions... and of course to lose weight is always on the top of the list for many... such as my friend Tina who had a reality check this weekend... (names have been changed to protect the crazy)
Tina goes to a clothing store with her mother to buy some new blouses for work- she's not a small girl.. but has an interesting shape.. picture a ball on 2 sticks (the sticks being her leg). She's about a size 18 at least she was the last time I saw her.
Tina calls me last night and tells me "giiirrrlll I went to the store to get some new blouses for work and I take 4 shirts into the dressing room, I try the first one on and that shirt stopped MID BREAST!" I'm thinking to myself and then I say out loud to her "Dayammmmm"
So she goes and picks what she thought was the next size up- a 22- and takes them to the register and purchases them.. She gets home and looks at the shirts - " a size 24?" she screams, "This bitch switched my clothes!" As she's telling me I'm thinking "yeah because the salesperson really got it in for you, so much that she must switch ya damn clothes"
As she's huffing and puffing, an angel must've whispered in her ear... "Try on the clothes idiota." She tries on the shirts... Voila They Fit!
She's upset, embarrassed and calls me right then lamenting about how she's gone up 3 shirt sizes- usually I'm a bit more sympathetic but I couldn't hold on any longer "THREE SIZES UP?" I scream "DAYAM!" cuz I mean really- the last time I saw her was in the summer and she was a 18 then- but she's been eating pints of ice cream like they vitamins...
She says "I don't want to talk about it anymore, change the subject"... "ok, sorry" I say. But all the while I'm thinking - "3 sizes in like 6 months! At this rate she gonna need another zip code for her ass!!" So she moves on to chat about a belt for some shirt she wanted to buy etc... then mid sentence she says "What about the Grapefruit Diet? You think that works?" "Hell No" I scream- "STOP EATING SHIT FOODS!!" I continue "How about you try the "Let me stop eating a pint of ice cream a day before I need butter to squeeze my ass thru the door of my apartment" diet?" She laughed but was a lil annoyed, she couldn't see why I was yelling at her... but common sense must be applied here! If you were poppin' pints of ice cream like muthafuggin tic tacs, do you really think a Grapefruit diet is gonna work? After week 1 of grapefruit she'll be smotherin' that shit with chocolate sauce... let's not get extreme... it didn't take 1 month for ur ass to go up 3 sizes so it won't take 1 month for that shit to come off! Then she says to me "that's my New Year's resolution, to lose weight!"

Her resolution needs to be to put down the ice cream and pick up a vegetable...

Happy New Year!