I've come to the realization that once you show me that you are missing all kinds of crayons from the box, I'm not coloring with you anymore!
Case in point a few days ago, I got to eat with about six folks... laughter, good food, ok convo, but then the bill comes and we all know what that can do to the atmosphere.
We open the bill to survey the damage – $84– that's when the conversation begins. Cheapo on my right, starts mumbling "I'm going to have to put this on my card, well what did I have... hmmm... I had the pepsi and the i-burger with ....hmmm" he continues "my meal is $10, I don't have cash so I'll have to put it on my card." One guy on my left takes out his lil i-phone and opens the app to calculate the tip... I pipe up, "so how are we doing this, are we splitting this equally? or are we paying for what we ate exactly?" Dude to my right, pipes up "my meal was $10" ... I think to myself, "if he says this shit one more time I'm gonna slap him right at this table"... the guy on my left says "why don't we just do it equally?"... again El Cheapo continues, "my meal is $10 sooooo ... " I give him a side eye, because his constant refrain has now caused an uncomfortable silence at the table...The guy on my left continues (thinking Cheapo is joking) "it's $17 a person- that includes tip", everyone else throws in their funds some more than $17 some a dollar short. I calculate the funds and it comes to $87, someone says "that's a $3 tip we can't do that" and I reply "well, this one here is using his card for $13"... Cheapo continues "... my meal was $10 so..." I said "yeah but you gotta add tip in there!" ... because at this time AQuietstorm is two seconds from taking his head and banging it repeatedly on the table...
So the waiter comes to retrieve the bill and Cheapo says "yeah soooo, can you just take the pepsi and burger out separately" and he and the waiter are staring at each other for a good 5 seconds and I break this love stare and say "you gonna give him your card or what?"...
The waiter comes back with the broken out bill and gives Cheapo his portion – his bill comes to $10.84 and then he adds a $4 tip... now... it took me everything in my power not to gouge his eyes out... So you mean to tell me that at $14.84 which is essentially 15 friggin dollars- you couldn't buck up 2 more dollars?
I'm not one for counting people's dollars, I know money is tighter than a girdle on a football player, but seriously, stay your ass home if you are going to nit pick over $2! There's nothing wrong with not coming b/c it's not in your budget, I'll be the first one to say "I'm on the broke side of luxury today and will not be partaking in the festivities", but don't come out and then start repeating how much your meal cost and gettin' tight about $2... stay your ass at home! No one forced you!
His homeboy even laughed at him...at the next get together, if it's not to a chain restaurant
where you pay your own damn food and it's not on a shared bill, the crew can count me out...
Like dude, you have a girlfriend so I can only guess that there must be other attributes that make you attractive, because this Mumbling Cheap Bro-hem thing you got going on leaves much to be desired...
Friday, October 22, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
RIF was the original text lingo...
Usually my "can't make this stuff up posts" are all about folks saying or doing something silly, that screams of missing common sense, but then I run across something/someone that makes me realize that we are in a Literacy State of Emergency! In this day and age, with all the resources available for folks to learn a new language and even learn how to read, I am saddened, befuddled and angered when I read things that indicate we are in a shambles with regards to literacy.
On facebook, I have a "friend" who is a young man of 24 years old, I've known him since he was a young tot, his family and mine are good friends- in fact we consider each other family. I remember his aunt telling me about him being in high school and the school just allowing him to graduate even with him failing EVERY YEAR. His grandmother (who lives in another state) would get him books, tapes, and begged his parents to get him some help.
He lives down south and although folks consider southern folks to be uneducated, I know that's not the truth, folks not being educated is a nation wide epidemic. And essentially it comes down to the parents, who, when even approached about their kid being below reading level, did nothing to improve the situation. They just shrugged their shoulders and said "well he don't wanna learn" nice, way to go for Parent of the Year award, I guess he's just following the crowd...
Anyway, this young man posts a status update that read,
"win you thougth you had me in the box it wasn't even close keep trying and see if you can stop me of what im doing in lif. win you have alot on your plant and you feel like things ant going your way just take a walk to cool down becoues life don't have a heart and it don't share love what it can give you is mine graine headink"...
now at first I thought "perhaps he's on his phone and mistyped" and then after my trying to re-read because I thought I might be having a stroke and shit is gettin' real bad for me...but then I had to do a flashback to other status updates- which include:
"be happy about what you have and don't were about what you don't got becoues the same why you got it you can lose it so thank god you have something something is batter then nothing" He says "...don't were..." he meant don't worry but I guess if you write like you speak then this makes perfect sense.... say it to yourself, "don't were about it"...smh.... And "batter"? cake batter? no! He meant "better"...
and my all time favorite:
"sometime win you thank you doing bad you really n't maybe its just u felling that way about your seft some time you can always thank about what going wrong in your life pick your seft up and take one day at a time and just live baby."
The repeated use of the word "win" when he means WHEN is even more frustrating and let's not forget about "seft" aka SELF... I've told him about these posts, after the first one I said "you need spell check, grammar check and a remedial course, you need to read and seriously stop posting because you sound stupid and no one can understand what you are writing." He writes back- "LOL"...
So you mean to tell me that you know what "LOL" means but you don't know how to spell SELF and WHEN ? He'd make Dr. Seuss upset! And at 24 years old with no desire to change and seemingly no viable resources to improve himself this is it for him! And sadly, he's one of thousands of folks just like him... and the number is growing even larger with increased internet usage and "abbreviations". I remember feeling like a dork for having so many books as a child, now I'm eternally grateful that my mama made me read and to this day I've got books galore!
My mom has me grading her college students' papers where they are using "ROFLMAO" or "LOL" or "U" instead of "you"... in a college paper?!!!?? That deserves a "c'mon son!"–
Parents with children – get some books, read to your kids, curb their usage of internet lingo – it's killing us, no ROFLMAO about it...
On facebook, I have a "friend" who is a young man of 24 years old, I've known him since he was a young tot, his family and mine are good friends- in fact we consider each other family. I remember his aunt telling me about him being in high school and the school just allowing him to graduate even with him failing EVERY YEAR. His grandmother (who lives in another state) would get him books, tapes, and begged his parents to get him some help.
He lives down south and although folks consider southern folks to be uneducated, I know that's not the truth, folks not being educated is a nation wide epidemic. And essentially it comes down to the parents, who, when even approached about their kid being below reading level, did nothing to improve the situation. They just shrugged their shoulders and said "well he don't wanna learn" nice, way to go for Parent of the Year award, I guess he's just following the crowd...
Anyway, this young man posts a status update that read,
"win you thougth you had me in the box it wasn't even close keep trying and see if you can stop me of what im doing in lif. win you have alot on your plant and you feel like things ant going your way just take a walk to cool down becoues life don't have a heart and it don't share love what it can give you is mine graine headink"...
now at first I thought "perhaps he's on his phone and mistyped" and then after my trying to re-read because I thought I might be having a stroke and shit is gettin' real bad for me...but then I had to do a flashback to other status updates- which include:
"be happy about what you have and don't were about what you don't got becoues the same why you got it you can lose it so thank god you have something something is batter then nothing" He says "...don't were..." he meant don't worry but I guess if you write like you speak then this makes perfect sense.... say it to yourself, "don't were about it"...smh.... And "batter"? cake batter? no! He meant "better"...
and my all time favorite:
"sometime win you thank you doing bad you really n't maybe its just u felling that way about your seft some time you can always thank about what going wrong in your life pick your seft up and take one day at a time and just live baby."
The repeated use of the word "win" when he means WHEN is even more frustrating and let's not forget about "seft" aka SELF... I've told him about these posts, after the first one I said "you need spell check, grammar check and a remedial course, you need to read and seriously stop posting because you sound stupid and no one can understand what you are writing." He writes back- "LOL"...
So you mean to tell me that you know what "LOL" means but you don't know how to spell SELF and WHEN ? He'd make Dr. Seuss upset! And at 24 years old with no desire to change and seemingly no viable resources to improve himself this is it for him! And sadly, he's one of thousands of folks just like him... and the number is growing even larger with increased internet usage and "abbreviations". I remember feeling like a dork for having so many books as a child, now I'm eternally grateful that my mama made me read and to this day I've got books galore!
My mom has me grading her college students' papers where they are using "ROFLMAO" or "LOL" or "U" instead of "you"... in a college paper?!!!?? That deserves a "c'mon son!"–
Parents with children – get some books, read to your kids, curb their usage of internet lingo – it's killing us, no ROFLMAO about it...
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Dumb as rocks!
Everytime I think I'm on a hiatus from experiencing stupidity, just like a bad cold it returns to make me sick! So today at the factory, I get an email regarding a project by a woman who is also named "Aquietstorm", I respond to her email and tell her to call me to discuss further.
Within a half an hour, my phone rings I answer "Aquietstorm speaking", the person on the other ends starts yapping, "so I'm thinking that this won't be ...." After deciphering that this wasn't some random prank caller sounding like a befuddled mess, I figured out who the hell it was and so I stop her mid-sentence and say "is this Aquietstorm?" she replies "yeah", I say "oh my phone doesn't have caller ID, so I can't tell who's calling" - Mind you, I have to do this repeatedly since we are in a world that assumes everyone's phone comes equipped with caller ID, and that would be fine if I didn't work at a place that has the same phones that Jesus used when he called Moses to tell him to part the seas! But I digress, so Jabba Jaws says, "Oh I thought because you said my name that you knew who it was" and then she continues. I stop her again, after biting my tongue to keep from screaming, STUPID B*TCH, I said "well my name is also AQUIETSTORM!", she then says "yeah, I know, uggghhh I'm just not thinking".... well perhaps you need to call me back when your brain is operational again because apparently you need to hang a sign on that b*tch saying "out for repairs!"
Seriously! You can't be that befuddled with someone who also has the same name as you??!?!
Chic is about as bright as a 10-watt bulb...
Within a half an hour, my phone rings I answer "Aquietstorm speaking", the person on the other ends starts yapping, "so I'm thinking that this won't be ...." After deciphering that this wasn't some random prank caller sounding like a befuddled mess, I figured out who the hell it was and so I stop her mid-sentence and say "is this Aquietstorm?" she replies "yeah", I say "oh my phone doesn't have caller ID, so I can't tell who's calling" - Mind you, I have to do this repeatedly since we are in a world that assumes everyone's phone comes equipped with caller ID, and that would be fine if I didn't work at a place that has the same phones that Jesus used when he called Moses to tell him to part the seas! But I digress, so Jabba Jaws says, "Oh I thought because you said my name that you knew who it was" and then she continues. I stop her again, after biting my tongue to keep from screaming, STUPID B*TCH, I said "well my name is also AQUIETSTORM!", she then says "yeah, I know, uggghhh I'm just not thinking".... well perhaps you need to call me back when your brain is operational again because apparently you need to hang a sign on that b*tch saying "out for repairs!"
Seriously! You can't be that befuddled with someone who also has the same name as you??!?!
Chic is about as bright as a 10-watt bulb...
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Maybe the vacation was too long for you...
I often try to bear with people who have a momentary brain fart, but there are times when I just can't deal, such was the case today.
I assume the vacation was really good to this person who decides to come to me and ask me to do a favor.
Fool: Hi, can you open this disk and print out the file on here I don't have the program on my comp
Me: Ok, I can do it, I'll get to it in a few. Which file you want to print ?
Fool: There's only one file on the disk
Me: Ok, give me a few, I'll call you.
Fool: Thanks, I also need a PDF
Me: Ok, I will e-mail you the PDF.
Fool: Thanks (he leaves my office)
About an hour later, I print out the file and make the PDF and email it to him-
Me (in an email): Hey, here's the PDF, the print outs are on my desk, come up and get them when you're ready.
Fool: Thanks, this isn't what I was looking for.
Me:... that was what was on the disk...
WTF you mean that wasn't what you were looking for! Tell that shit to the mofo who gave your ass the disk! Not to me, you idiot! You said it was one file on the disk and to print that out! Now unless it was the plans to the electrical system at my house I could care less if it was what you were looking for! I can't help you since I didn't create the disk! SPECIAL SAUCE!
I assume the vacation was really good to this person who decides to come to me and ask me to do a favor.
Fool: Hi, can you open this disk and print out the file on here I don't have the program on my comp
Me: Ok, I can do it, I'll get to it in a few. Which file you want to print ?
Fool: There's only one file on the disk
Me: Ok, give me a few, I'll call you.
Fool: Thanks, I also need a PDF
Me: Ok, I will e-mail you the PDF.
Fool: Thanks (he leaves my office)
About an hour later, I print out the file and make the PDF and email it to him-
Me (in an email): Hey, here's the PDF, the print outs are on my desk, come up and get them when you're ready.
Fool: Thanks, this isn't what I was looking for.
Me:... that was what was on the disk...
WTF you mean that wasn't what you were looking for! Tell that shit to the mofo who gave your ass the disk! Not to me, you idiot! You said it was one file on the disk and to print that out! Now unless it was the plans to the electrical system at my house I could care less if it was what you were looking for! I can't help you since I didn't create the disk! SPECIAL SAUCE!
Monday, June 14, 2010
New Meaning of Clean up Your own sh*t!
As always hubby's job provides a plethora of material for the Can't make this stuff up Blog-
So yesterday, a rather quiet Sunday afternoon 2 sets of customer's come into his job to browse around the store. One customer decides to go and use the store restroom, after about 20 minutes, the customer (a man) comes out and while hubby is talking to another set of customers he says "Is your toilet handle broke?" to which hubby responds- "not really broke just difficult you have to jiggle the handle." The man smirks and says "well I left you a surprise in your garbage can"... hubby freezes, another customer says "oh God" and hubby storms into the bathroom to be met with ... logs of shit in his garbage can wrapped in toilet paper.
Yeah, that's right, logs of shit...
And let's get some things straight right now in this muthafugga- he was not slow/mentally challenged/or any other condition which might render his mental faculties damaged...
Now I must also interject here and assure you hubby is the most professional man I've seen in dealing with customers who've spewed insults, spat at him, and other behavior too numerous to mention- but None so egregious as this man SHITTING IN A GARBAGE CAN... at that point- he lost it... (and I don't blame him)
Hubby screams "You've got to be fuckin' kidding me, are you a dog? Is this what you do at home? You shit in my garbage can you piece of fuggin' trash!" To which the man responds "how dare you?" Hubby turns to the other customers (who are now glaring at Doo-Doo Dave in disgust), apologizes for his language and informs them that the store is now closed. He goes to Dooin' Dave and says "You're going to clean my trash can, right fuckin' now!" The man responds- "if I clean that trash can, you're not getting a sale!"... oh gee- let me get that sale and your shit on top of it- fuck outta here! Hubby gets closer, hands him the trash and says "I don't give a FUCK about a gotdamn sale- you nasty motherfucker, you are going to clean this trash can and get the fuck outta my store"... the man scared (shitless I would say but it's all in the trash can at this point)- goes outside, hubby hands him cleaning supplies and he begins to clean out his own shit. Did I mention that he came in to the store with his wife, who upon hubby presenting him with the can full of shit, she screams "I can't believe you did that!" and goes running out the store...
Honey it's time to draw up divorce papers- because you've married a nasty piece of work- and not to mention for him to easily do that shit with no qualms means that he does that on the reg at home... forget scoldin' the dog for not being able to hold it til you and him go for a walk, now you gotta worry about your husband's nasty ass shittin wherever he feels...
Another thing, how nasty can you be! How nasty! I imagine it takes a lot to plop your ass over a trash can and shit like you're on the bowl...
So the man cleaned out the trash then put the can inside the store- like that bitch is reusable- hubby opens the door and re-engaged his football training and kicked that trash can right into the fuggin' parking lot...
Hubby gained a new level of respect from me- b/c I know I'd be blogging from jail right now- after I took that garbage can and put it over his fuggin' head and banged that shit like it was a bell at a gotdamn Chuck Wagon Food Court...
Happy Monday!
So yesterday, a rather quiet Sunday afternoon 2 sets of customer's come into his job to browse around the store. One customer decides to go and use the store restroom, after about 20 minutes, the customer (a man) comes out and while hubby is talking to another set of customers he says "Is your toilet handle broke?" to which hubby responds- "not really broke just difficult you have to jiggle the handle." The man smirks and says "well I left you a surprise in your garbage can"... hubby freezes, another customer says "oh God" and hubby storms into the bathroom to be met with ... logs of shit in his garbage can wrapped in toilet paper.
Yeah, that's right, logs of shit...
And let's get some things straight right now in this muthafugga- he was not slow/mentally challenged/or any other condition which might render his mental faculties damaged...
Now I must also interject here and assure you hubby is the most professional man I've seen in dealing with customers who've spewed insults, spat at him, and other behavior too numerous to mention- but None so egregious as this man SHITTING IN A GARBAGE CAN... at that point- he lost it... (and I don't blame him)
Hubby screams "You've got to be fuckin' kidding me, are you a dog? Is this what you do at home? You shit in my garbage can you piece of fuggin' trash!" To which the man responds "how dare you?" Hubby turns to the other customers (who are now glaring at Doo-Doo Dave in disgust), apologizes for his language and informs them that the store is now closed. He goes to Dooin' Dave and says "You're going to clean my trash can, right fuckin' now!" The man responds- "if I clean that trash can, you're not getting a sale!"... oh gee- let me get that sale and your shit on top of it- fuck outta here! Hubby gets closer, hands him the trash and says "I don't give a FUCK about a gotdamn sale- you nasty motherfucker, you are going to clean this trash can and get the fuck outta my store"... the man scared (shitless I would say but it's all in the trash can at this point)- goes outside, hubby hands him cleaning supplies and he begins to clean out his own shit. Did I mention that he came in to the store with his wife, who upon hubby presenting him with the can full of shit, she screams "I can't believe you did that!" and goes running out the store...
Honey it's time to draw up divorce papers- because you've married a nasty piece of work- and not to mention for him to easily do that shit with no qualms means that he does that on the reg at home... forget scoldin' the dog for not being able to hold it til you and him go for a walk, now you gotta worry about your husband's nasty ass shittin wherever he feels...
Another thing, how nasty can you be! How nasty! I imagine it takes a lot to plop your ass over a trash can and shit like you're on the bowl...
So the man cleaned out the trash then put the can inside the store- like that bitch is reusable- hubby opens the door and re-engaged his football training and kicked that trash can right into the fuggin' parking lot...
Hubby gained a new level of respect from me- b/c I know I'd be blogging from jail right now- after I took that garbage can and put it over his fuggin' head and banged that shit like it was a bell at a gotdamn Chuck Wagon Food Court...
Happy Monday!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Jailbirdin'
Sometimes friends can make even Jesus smoke crack and drink a gallon of tequila, just to deal with them. I have absolutely no consolation in this ridiculous tale of foolishness...
One of my friends is married- now before you say "ok, not so bad"- let me finish- she's married to an ex con (in my opinion fuck the Ex- he's still a con)... They've known each other for over 20 years and had dated back when they were 16 and then reconnected WHILE HE WAS IN JAIL in 2004. He was writing her, because after all what the hell else you got to do in jail but fuggin' write! But whatever, in 2004, they reconnected once he got out the clink and apparently, she was feeling lonely after just getting out of another RIDICULOUS relationship...
In December of 2004 they started hanging out and quickly became a couple... cuz of course, she's a hot commodity to an ex-con, she's got a nice apt., money and she don't look like a cast member of fuggin' 'Oz'. You can tell that I was excited about this pair, right?... *side eye*
So she embarks on a relationship with "Peebo, the Jailbird Negro", only to see him locked up again in March of 2005 for robbery - well what did she expect- he's a career criminal... ain't much else he knows how to do but take people's shit... but again, I digress...
So of course, he says he didn't do it,– of course, 'cuz from your rap sheet that's so long that it can double as a fuggin' ballroom gown on Rupaul's Drag Race, we would believe that you ain't rob the person... whatever...
So in March 2005 Peebo gets sentenced to 5 years in jail hard time- most normal people would see this as an Amistad "Give Us Free" Moment, but no, not the Rhodes Scholar that is Diane*. She feels that she's in love with him and wants to stick it out... so in 2006 a month before I get hitched, Diane goes up to the jail and gets married to Peebo in a lovely ceremony- complete with muthafuggin' strapped security guards, a warden,a tropical backdrop and Rondu as your best man...*eyes rolling*. Who knows why she did it, maybe it was hearing of all the wedding stuff I had to go thru and her wishing the same for herself. But just one side note Diane- you can't plan no elaborate wedding in jail- after all the "guests" can't have real cutlery and the state ain't sponsoring a 3 course meal complete with champagne to a bunch of fools who rob, steal and kill.
Of course myself nor any of her family members knew about this wedding until way after she said I do. So we all are trying to be supportive family, friends etc and we don't say anything to her, about this foolishness. In fact, we try to appear happy for her, relationships are hard enough and 10x hard when all of your people believe that Flava Flav would've been a better choice for a spouse. Throughout these past 5 years myself and her family have watched and listened as she journeyed upstate to have conjugal visits( 'cuz nuthin' says Lovin like a armed guard outside a trailer while you gettin' ur swerve on- sexy!), adding money to his commisary and bringing food back and forth so much I thought the heffa was trying to re-enact the Food Networks Neely's PRISON STYLE... seriously... don't get me started!
So fast forward to January of this year, 2010, Peebo alas has managed to fulfill his bid and he is released. The entire family and all of her friends are not happy about this moment at all, but we ain't in that relationship so we stand on the side lines... So apparently, in jail they must give these people (or just him) pipe dreams of believing that he (with a PHD in robbery) would be able to find a job quick fast! So upon his release from Chateau De Prison he quickly finds out that #1. There ain't no jobs and #2. There ain't no jobs for no ex-cons. I mean if people with 2 degrees and NO criminal record are finding it hard to find a job – how would he find a job and he's barely got a GED and all of his work experience was behind 5 sets of steel bars... Fugg outta here!
So she asks me to design some flyers for him- again trying on that "Supportive friend" shoe, I oblige, even tho' I know the shoe is gonna give me a blister! So he wants 500 flyers that pretty much advertise his "services". What services you ask? Apparently he's handy- NO? A HANDY THIEF!?- almost like a Chef who can Cook- *side eye* the flyer says he can buff floors, sweep, walk dogs, train monkeys you know the drill... he can do it all...whatever. I design it, she asks me to print it on my home computer- I say "sure, how many does he need? 5-10?" she says "No, about 500"- I quickly kick that supportive shoe off and ask "heffa do you think you called muhfuggin' Kinko's? unless that fool is good at making ink too don't think you gonna get me to print no damn REAM of fuggin' paper for him!" So after seeing things my way she decided to go with getting Kinko's to print it...
I thought, maybe he's turned over a new leaf- he wants to plaster the neighborhood with these things to "advertise" his business. That was a month ago- them flyers are still sitting in her house. So Peebo then decides it's time to get a resume together, I guess after hearing about my "helpfulness" with the flyer both of them decided I'm not the one to ask to play Career Counselor, so they ask her sister. I see the resume, good, nice format- I start to read under experience. "Maintenance" -"oh" I say to myself, "he does have some experience"- I look at where- NYS Department of corrections- Nope, don't think that's gonna land you on the top of the "hire me" pile- in fact he had 4 jobs listed all of 'em under the NYS Department of Corrections!
So fast forward to last week, I get a call from Diane- she wants to chat with me b/c I'm married and she wanted some advice on how to deal with her husband- because after all, they've been married for 3 years and this is the first time they are living together as a married couple- "Jesus be Judge Joe Brown" I think to myself... And why she asking me, my husband ain't in the clink and ain't never been- in fact I let him know if that's on a path he wants to take his NEW wife will be "Big Bubba in Cell block #5"... shit....
It appears that she saw some post in a chat on facebook that he was having with another woman on FaceBook- you know what my first question was- WHY HE GOT A FACEBOOK!? He should have a JOB BOOK- DON'T DO STUPID SHIT TO GET ARRESTED BOOK! Not Facebook! And you ain't go to school or have no job so who the hell you tryin to reconnect with!? Go to your probation officer and reconnect with them fools there!
But whatever! She sees a sexual message from another woman saying "I want to taste you"-WHOA! Well Well... Is this what we doin all day, huh? real fuggin' productive! Guess he's getting his writing skills up to date- stupid muthafugga.
So she asks him about it and his response is "that's my cousin, it ain't what you think"... What?
So she asks to see the message again and so he says "No I don't look thru your things"...
Now first off mofosucka- if that is ur cousin- you're about the nastiest mofo OUT! #2 You just got home- not even a full 6 months and u doin this shit? #3. Go to the library or how about be a productive member of the household and cook dinner so she don't have to when she come home, after all u on ur ass doing nothing!
So she asks me "what would you do?" I tell her that's not my place to tell u, what do YOU want to do is the more important question- how do YOU want to proceed. You a grown ass woman I can't tell you what to do with YOUR marriage but I will tell you this- You don't talk freaky to your cousin- so don't fall for the stupid shit ok?
She decided to "forgive" him and she told him "respect the house , I don't want to hear about the girl or see her and I don't want to talk about this no more"––– so basically she's giving him a pass b/c his thing can be that he can continue just as long as she don't see/hear it... real bright- Rhodes Scholar you say? Magna Cum Laude, yes? They just don't make 'em like you no more...
I just told her I'd speak to her later- as I'm getting off the phone she asks me "should I forgive him?" The more important question is after all this, will you be able to forgive yourself...
They say God takes care of fools and babies-she ain't no baby, but she damn sure a fool....
One of my friends is married- now before you say "ok, not so bad"- let me finish- she's married to an ex con (in my opinion fuck the Ex- he's still a con)... They've known each other for over 20 years and had dated back when they were 16 and then reconnected WHILE HE WAS IN JAIL in 2004. He was writing her, because after all what the hell else you got to do in jail but fuggin' write! But whatever, in 2004, they reconnected once he got out the clink and apparently, she was feeling lonely after just getting out of another RIDICULOUS relationship...
In December of 2004 they started hanging out and quickly became a couple... cuz of course, she's a hot commodity to an ex-con, she's got a nice apt., money and she don't look like a cast member of fuggin' 'Oz'. You can tell that I was excited about this pair, right?... *side eye*
So she embarks on a relationship with "Peebo, the Jailbird Negro", only to see him locked up again in March of 2005 for robbery - well what did she expect- he's a career criminal... ain't much else he knows how to do but take people's shit... but again, I digress...
So of course, he says he didn't do it,– of course, 'cuz from your rap sheet that's so long that it can double as a fuggin' ballroom gown on Rupaul's Drag Race, we would believe that you ain't rob the person... whatever...
So in March 2005 Peebo gets sentenced to 5 years in jail hard time- most normal people would see this as an Amistad "Give Us Free" Moment, but no, not the Rhodes Scholar that is Diane*. She feels that she's in love with him and wants to stick it out... so in 2006 a month before I get hitched, Diane goes up to the jail and gets married to Peebo in a lovely ceremony- complete with muthafuggin' strapped security guards, a warden,a tropical backdrop and Rondu as your best man...*eyes rolling*. Who knows why she did it, maybe it was hearing of all the wedding stuff I had to go thru and her wishing the same for herself. But just one side note Diane- you can't plan no elaborate wedding in jail- after all the "guests" can't have real cutlery and the state ain't sponsoring a 3 course meal complete with champagne to a bunch of fools who rob, steal and kill.
Of course myself nor any of her family members knew about this wedding until way after she said I do. So we all are trying to be supportive family, friends etc and we don't say anything to her, about this foolishness. In fact, we try to appear happy for her, relationships are hard enough and 10x hard when all of your people believe that Flava Flav would've been a better choice for a spouse. Throughout these past 5 years myself and her family have watched and listened as she journeyed upstate to have conjugal visits( 'cuz nuthin' says Lovin like a armed guard outside a trailer while you gettin' ur swerve on- sexy!), adding money to his commisary and bringing food back and forth so much I thought the heffa was trying to re-enact the Food Networks Neely's PRISON STYLE... seriously... don't get me started!
So fast forward to January of this year, 2010, Peebo alas has managed to fulfill his bid and he is released. The entire family and all of her friends are not happy about this moment at all, but we ain't in that relationship so we stand on the side lines... So apparently, in jail they must give these people (or just him) pipe dreams of believing that he (with a PHD in robbery) would be able to find a job quick fast! So upon his release from Chateau De Prison he quickly finds out that #1. There ain't no jobs and #2. There ain't no jobs for no ex-cons. I mean if people with 2 degrees and NO criminal record are finding it hard to find a job – how would he find a job and he's barely got a GED and all of his work experience was behind 5 sets of steel bars... Fugg outta here!
So she asks me to design some flyers for him- again trying on that "Supportive friend" shoe, I oblige, even tho' I know the shoe is gonna give me a blister! So he wants 500 flyers that pretty much advertise his "services". What services you ask? Apparently he's handy- NO? A HANDY THIEF!?- almost like a Chef who can Cook- *side eye* the flyer says he can buff floors, sweep, walk dogs, train monkeys you know the drill... he can do it all...whatever. I design it, she asks me to print it on my home computer- I say "sure, how many does he need? 5-10?" she says "No, about 500"- I quickly kick that supportive shoe off and ask "heffa do you think you called muhfuggin' Kinko's? unless that fool is good at making ink too don't think you gonna get me to print no damn REAM of fuggin' paper for him!" So after seeing things my way she decided to go with getting Kinko's to print it...
I thought, maybe he's turned over a new leaf- he wants to plaster the neighborhood with these things to "advertise" his business. That was a month ago- them flyers are still sitting in her house. So Peebo then decides it's time to get a resume together, I guess after hearing about my "helpfulness" with the flyer both of them decided I'm not the one to ask to play Career Counselor, so they ask her sister. I see the resume, good, nice format- I start to read under experience. "Maintenance" -"oh" I say to myself, "he does have some experience"- I look at where- NYS Department of corrections- Nope, don't think that's gonna land you on the top of the "hire me" pile- in fact he had 4 jobs listed all of 'em under the NYS Department of Corrections!
So fast forward to last week, I get a call from Diane- she wants to chat with me b/c I'm married and she wanted some advice on how to deal with her husband- because after all, they've been married for 3 years and this is the first time they are living together as a married couple- "Jesus be Judge Joe Brown" I think to myself... And why she asking me, my husband ain't in the clink and ain't never been- in fact I let him know if that's on a path he wants to take his NEW wife will be "Big Bubba in Cell block #5"... shit....
It appears that she saw some post in a chat on facebook that he was having with another woman on FaceBook- you know what my first question was- WHY HE GOT A FACEBOOK!? He should have a JOB BOOK- DON'T DO STUPID SHIT TO GET ARRESTED BOOK! Not Facebook! And you ain't go to school or have no job so who the hell you tryin to reconnect with!? Go to your probation officer and reconnect with them fools there!
But whatever! She sees a sexual message from another woman saying "I want to taste you"-WHOA! Well Well... Is this what we doin all day, huh? real fuggin' productive! Guess he's getting his writing skills up to date- stupid muthafugga.
So she asks him about it and his response is "that's my cousin, it ain't what you think"... What?
So she asks to see the message again and so he says "No I don't look thru your things"...
Now first off mofosucka- if that is ur cousin- you're about the nastiest mofo OUT! #2 You just got home- not even a full 6 months and u doin this shit? #3. Go to the library or how about be a productive member of the household and cook dinner so she don't have to when she come home, after all u on ur ass doing nothing!
So she asks me "what would you do?" I tell her that's not my place to tell u, what do YOU want to do is the more important question- how do YOU want to proceed. You a grown ass woman I can't tell you what to do with YOUR marriage but I will tell you this- You don't talk freaky to your cousin- so don't fall for the stupid shit ok?
She decided to "forgive" him and she told him "respect the house , I don't want to hear about the girl or see her and I don't want to talk about this no more"––– so basically she's giving him a pass b/c his thing can be that he can continue just as long as she don't see/hear it... real bright- Rhodes Scholar you say? Magna Cum Laude, yes? They just don't make 'em like you no more...
I just told her I'd speak to her later- as I'm getting off the phone she asks me "should I forgive him?" The more important question is after all this, will you be able to forgive yourself...
They say God takes care of fools and babies-she ain't no baby, but she damn sure a fool....
Jus' Checkin'
These days it seems like I'm getting most of my "Can't make this Stuff Up" material from hubby's job- but I just started a gig so no doubt the tales will emerge from "The Crypt of Foolishness" in due time. But I digress...
Yesterday, hubby is in his store and a customer comes in- a middle aged Italian woman with 3 kids. We'll call her "Mrs. Donato." She's interested in buying a product that is advertised in the local newspaper and has the catalogue handy -hubby goes into his sales pitch. Mrs. Donato, running low on time, needs to leave in order to catch a store before it closes and asks could they finish the sale over the phone and can he call her around 5 so that her husband can provide his credit card info. Hubby says fine, no problem, gives her the print out of the price and the woman happily goes off.
Five o'clock hits and hubby calls the woman to complete the sale. *Ring* *Ring* "Hello" a man answers. "Hi, this is Sam* from Run & Jump Off A Bridge Systems*, is Mrs. Donato available?" hubby says. The man replies angrily, "Who's this?!!!" Hubby says " Again this is Sam from Run & Jump Off a Bridge Systems, Mrs. Donato wanted to place an order for a trampoline with me, I spoke to her earlier."
The man asks, "Are you fucking my wife?" *Record Scratch* Hubby looks at the phone, surely he thinks he's dialed the wrong number, putting the phone back to his ear replies, "Excuse me Sir?" The man again says "You heard me! Are you fucking my wife!?"
Clutch my pearls and call me Suzy, what the hell is going on here, buddy if you gotta ask that then perhaps you need to re-evaluate why you're married to a hooker, if the first question you ask every mail that she's in talks with the "Are you fucking my wife" question!
Hubby continues "Sir, your wife came in this morning looking for a trampoline from this company and she had a catalogue, so I'm pretty sure the catalogue/paper work or something is laying somewhere around your house and I'm pretty sure you have caller I.D. so you can see where I'm coming from and if I WAS having an affair with your wife, would I really be calling you?" afterwards while the man is trying to gather words to say in response, hubby hangs up on him.
About 5 minutes later, the phone rings again- "Hello, Run & Jump Off A Bridge Systems, how may ..." "Listen , listen, I'm sorry about that" says Mr. Donato, "but my wife is a fucking whore and I don't trust her, and I just needed to make sure... "
Hubby interrupts and says, "Well sir, if you can please let her know I called about the order she wanted to place, but I'd rather you call back with the credit card info instead of her so I can assure you that this is an actual sale." "I I I'll tell her you called" replied the man....
What
The
Fuck
Yesterday, hubby is in his store and a customer comes in- a middle aged Italian woman with 3 kids. We'll call her "Mrs. Donato." She's interested in buying a product that is advertised in the local newspaper and has the catalogue handy -hubby goes into his sales pitch. Mrs. Donato, running low on time, needs to leave in order to catch a store before it closes and asks could they finish the sale over the phone and can he call her around 5 so that her husband can provide his credit card info. Hubby says fine, no problem, gives her the print out of the price and the woman happily goes off.
Five o'clock hits and hubby calls the woman to complete the sale. *Ring* *Ring* "Hello" a man answers. "Hi, this is Sam* from Run & Jump Off A Bridge Systems*, is Mrs. Donato available?" hubby says. The man replies angrily, "Who's this?!!!" Hubby says " Again this is Sam from Run & Jump Off a Bridge Systems, Mrs. Donato wanted to place an order for a trampoline with me, I spoke to her earlier."
The man asks, "Are you fucking my wife?" *Record Scratch* Hubby looks at the phone, surely he thinks he's dialed the wrong number, putting the phone back to his ear replies, "Excuse me Sir?" The man again says "You heard me! Are you fucking my wife!?"
Clutch my pearls and call me Suzy, what the hell is going on here, buddy if you gotta ask that then perhaps you need to re-evaluate why you're married to a hooker, if the first question you ask every mail that she's in talks with the "Are you fucking my wife" question!
Hubby continues "Sir, your wife came in this morning looking for a trampoline from this company and she had a catalogue, so I'm pretty sure the catalogue/paper work or something is laying somewhere around your house and I'm pretty sure you have caller I.D. so you can see where I'm coming from and if I WAS having an affair with your wife, would I really be calling you?" afterwards while the man is trying to gather words to say in response, hubby hangs up on him.
About 5 minutes later, the phone rings again- "Hello, Run & Jump Off A Bridge Systems, how may ..." "Listen , listen, I'm sorry about that" says Mr. Donato, "but my wife is a fucking whore and I don't trust her, and I just needed to make sure... "
Hubby interrupts and says, "Well sir, if you can please let her know I called about the order she wanted to place, but I'd rather you call back with the credit card info instead of her so I can assure you that this is an actual sale." "I I I'll tell her you called" replied the man....
What
The
Fuck
Friday, February 19, 2010
People still say stuff like that?
Well well it's been a minute since my last entry, but nevertheless, foolishness doesn't take a break...
So hubby's customers are always creating just a plethora of loveliness and feelings that make you want to go out and stab somebody...
Hubby is currently training his new assistant, so the young lad is sitting in with him watching and learning as customers come in. In walks a lovely couple (seemingly) who are interested in the products he's selling- so hubby goes over the product options and versions available. After about 30 mins of going over the products - hubby excuses himself, to go in the back for a quick moment and leaves the couple to chat about their decision and options he just presented to them. The trainee is at the desk doing an online training module. After a few moments, the couple walks over to the trainee saying "hi, I'm sure you can answer our questions better than that guy" (pointing in hubby's direction)...
The trainee looking shocked and a bit scared shrugs and says "ok"-he just started the previous day, he couldn't tell his ass from his elbow... So they flood him with a series of questions to which he has no answers and "I'm not sure" is his constant refrain...
The couple looking bewildered says "You're the manager aren't you?" Trainee says "ahhhh, no, the gentleman that was helping you is the manager- he's training me, I just started yesterday" ... by this time, hubby has come back to the conversation and asks "what happened?" Trainee fills him in- the couple, looking shocked and quite frankly embarrassed say "I'm sorry, we just thought that for this area (Scarsdale) they'd have someone who...who... someone white" .... well well now... is that so!?!
Hubby chuckles a loud "HA" and smiles and shakes his head, the couple quickly gather a few brochures and tell him that they will be back later...
Mr. and Mrs. Bigot haven't been back since...
So hubby's customers are always creating just a plethora of loveliness and feelings that make you want to go out and stab somebody...
Hubby is currently training his new assistant, so the young lad is sitting in with him watching and learning as customers come in. In walks a lovely couple (seemingly) who are interested in the products he's selling- so hubby goes over the product options and versions available. After about 30 mins of going over the products - hubby excuses himself, to go in the back for a quick moment and leaves the couple to chat about their decision and options he just presented to them. The trainee is at the desk doing an online training module. After a few moments, the couple walks over to the trainee saying "hi, I'm sure you can answer our questions better than that guy" (pointing in hubby's direction)...
The trainee looking shocked and a bit scared shrugs and says "ok"-he just started the previous day, he couldn't tell his ass from his elbow... So they flood him with a series of questions to which he has no answers and "I'm not sure" is his constant refrain...
The couple looking bewildered says "You're the manager aren't you?" Trainee says "ahhhh, no, the gentleman that was helping you is the manager- he's training me, I just started yesterday" ... by this time, hubby has come back to the conversation and asks "what happened?" Trainee fills him in- the couple, looking shocked and quite frankly embarrassed say "I'm sorry, we just thought that for this area (Scarsdale) they'd have someone who...who... someone white" .... well well now... is that so!?!
Hubby chuckles a loud "HA" and smiles and shakes his head, the couple quickly gather a few brochures and tell him that they will be back later...
Mr. and Mrs. Bigot haven't been back since...
Monday, January 18, 2010
"granny can't get up that early"...
At hubby's job one of the managers of another store found a new gig so he's leaving, so an assistant manager has been promoted and now hubby is responsible for interviewing candidates to fill the now vacant Asst. manager spot. So let the fun begin...
So one of the candidates who've been randomly selected by HR is a young woman who seems to have a fair amount of experience in sales- he downloads the resume and looks it over "hmmm" he thinks to himself as he notices this woman has had 5 jobs in the last 5 years, each one she's been at for no more than 8 months... *side eye*... so he says to himself "well I'm going to call her in, let's see what the story is-do a little pre-interview". He gives her call...she seems "normal" (whatever that is) and then he asks her "what is your goal- career wise?" To which she responds- "well I hope to become a store manager in about 6 months." He gives the *side eye* to her response and then he asks her about her experience, "I see that most of your jobs have been only for 8 months or so, what's the situation with that?" To which she replies "well, I felt they weren't promoting me to manager fast enough so I decided to leave." Immediately hubby says to her, " Well I doubt if you will get promoted here in 6 months, perhaps a year but that would be a best case scenario" She replies "ok, so 6 months is still possible then!"... the bus on this tour ride thru job-ville has now made a pitstop in stupidity... next stop... ridiculous!
At this point he knows that this is NOT going to work- so he says "before I decide if we need to have you in for an interview, a car is required for this position because you will be driving to various locations, do you have a valid license and a car?" She says "well I have a license but I don't have a car, but my grandmother can drive me." Eyes wide open, mouth ajar, hubby pauses for a second and then says "well I can't rely on that, since you will also need to do site surveys as early as 8am" he hears her mumble "hmmm no granny can't do that" .. he says "What?" she goes on about how her grandma doesn't get up that early and then asks can she borrow the car of the manager of the stores tot get to these site surveys! Hubby, again stunned- perhaps its a full moon he thinks- and he kindly informs her that this will not work and thank you for applying... WTF?! Seriously? Can you borrow your supervisors car ??? how the hell you figure that will work fool!?
So hubby decides to go on to the next one...and realizes there is indeed a full moon...
He downloads the res - filename: "TMoneysRez.doc"... Jesus be a commonsense pill he thinks... So he decides to call and not make an assumption based on the name of the resume. He looks at the resume and the candidate seems to have a fair amount of experience, the position would definitely prove to have room for growth for him... So he calls- the conversation gets off to a nice start- but then a series of small red flags go up when hubby notices throughout the conversation there are a plethoras of "Yeps, yeahs, ain'ts, dat, dems and dis" and then a giant red flag goes up when he asks him about his job experience and why he left his last job- "me and the supervisor didn't get along, he was a prick, and he was jealous cuz I could do his job better"...
Really "TMoney"? I mean do you know ANYTHING about interviewing?
So hubby just says "ok"- then he decides this "ain't" gonna work either so let me ask the car and license question- "Do you have a valid drivers license and a car, as you will be working between 3 stores" Tony says " well..Jeah (yes I said JEAH), I got a license but I ain't got a car cuz I had to turn in my tags" hubby starts to say "well..." then Tony interjects- but I can take the bus from Nanuet to Scarsdale and to Connecticut and stuff like that to get to work...
oh Tony how nice you sure are showing dedication aren't you...b/c somebody's going to make an exception to the rule with the car requirement when you have to go through 2 counties and into another state on the bus... let's not get crazy...
With all these people out of work, you'd think that folks would brush up on their interviewing skills at least! smh
So one of the candidates who've been randomly selected by HR is a young woman who seems to have a fair amount of experience in sales- he downloads the resume and looks it over "hmmm" he thinks to himself as he notices this woman has had 5 jobs in the last 5 years, each one she's been at for no more than 8 months... *side eye*... so he says to himself "well I'm going to call her in, let's see what the story is-do a little pre-interview". He gives her call...she seems "normal" (whatever that is) and then he asks her "what is your goal- career wise?" To which she responds- "well I hope to become a store manager in about 6 months." He gives the *side eye* to her response and then he asks her about her experience, "I see that most of your jobs have been only for 8 months or so, what's the situation with that?" To which she replies "well, I felt they weren't promoting me to manager fast enough so I decided to leave." Immediately hubby says to her, " Well I doubt if you will get promoted here in 6 months, perhaps a year but that would be a best case scenario" She replies "ok, so 6 months is still possible then!"... the bus on this tour ride thru job-ville has now made a pitstop in stupidity... next stop... ridiculous!
At this point he knows that this is NOT going to work- so he says "before I decide if we need to have you in for an interview, a car is required for this position because you will be driving to various locations, do you have a valid license and a car?" She says "well I have a license but I don't have a car, but my grandmother can drive me." Eyes wide open, mouth ajar, hubby pauses for a second and then says "well I can't rely on that, since you will also need to do site surveys as early as 8am" he hears her mumble "hmmm no granny can't do that" .. he says "What?" she goes on about how her grandma doesn't get up that early and then asks can she borrow the car of the manager of the stores tot get to these site surveys! Hubby, again stunned- perhaps its a full moon he thinks- and he kindly informs her that this will not work and thank you for applying... WTF?! Seriously? Can you borrow your supervisors car ??? how the hell you figure that will work fool!?
So hubby decides to go on to the next one...and realizes there is indeed a full moon...
He downloads the res - filename: "TMoneysRez.doc"... Jesus be a commonsense pill he thinks... So he decides to call and not make an assumption based on the name of the resume. He looks at the resume and the candidate seems to have a fair amount of experience, the position would definitely prove to have room for growth for him... So he calls- the conversation gets off to a nice start- but then a series of small red flags go up when hubby notices throughout the conversation there are a plethoras of "Yeps, yeahs, ain'ts, dat, dems and dis" and then a giant red flag goes up when he asks him about his job experience and why he left his last job- "me and the supervisor didn't get along, he was a prick, and he was jealous cuz I could do his job better"...
Really "TMoney"? I mean do you know ANYTHING about interviewing?
So hubby just says "ok"- then he decides this "ain't" gonna work either so let me ask the car and license question- "Do you have a valid drivers license and a car, as you will be working between 3 stores" Tony says " well..Jeah (yes I said JEAH), I got a license but I ain't got a car cuz I had to turn in my tags" hubby starts to say "well..." then Tony interjects- but I can take the bus from Nanuet to Scarsdale and to Connecticut and stuff like that to get to work...
oh Tony how nice you sure are showing dedication aren't you...b/c somebody's going to make an exception to the rule with the car requirement when you have to go through 2 counties and into another state on the bus... let's not get crazy...
With all these people out of work, you'd think that folks would brush up on their interviewing skills at least! smh
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