Nasty ass

So my co-worker and I are sitting in our office working and I notice, she's a lil bit more silent than usual...I look over to see what is she doing that's making her so quiet that I don't hear the tick tack of keys on the computer... lo and behold.. this bitch is up to her elbows in her nose...
I mean diggin' for gold like this is the fuggin' Texas goldrush...
I turn back to the computer and cough to alert her to the fact that bitch I see you diggin'
I can see her out the corner of my eye pullin' her elbow from outta her nose easily...
Nasty ass...

A Conversation with an Idiot

So I'm sitting in my office and I'm working when Dingbat Daisy comes in... she sits down at the other girl's desk who's not in today. Daisy is trying to put a photo in a frame so as she struggles- she asks about the girl who's desks she's sitting at... 

"What's the difference between what you do and what she does? Are you both graphic designers?"

So I say "nah, she's a stylist and a product designer"

Daisy says "what's the difference?" Now this heffa has been in the department for 10 years son.. why are we having this discussion!! So I say " A stylist, styles products and rooms/environments for shoots etc" She says "on the computer"... WTF! Am I being recorded to see how long it'll take before I beat this bitch about the head and face!? I stop typing look over at her and say "you know how we have LIVE Photoshoots!? IN REAL LIFE!? REAL TIME!? she styles that!" She pauses and sighs- "Oh" she says... I turn back to my computer, figuring this tomfoolery was surely over... then she continues "And she's a product designer?" "Yep" I say as I continue typing... so she then continues "On the computer?" NO WITH A MUTHAFUGGIN LEGO BLOCK SET! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU BEEN IN THIS DEPT THIS LONG AND YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW A PRODUCT COMES TO FRUITION!?!?!?  I stopped typing and said "YES, on the computer!" She goes "Oooook"... she then grunts as she's pushing the glass through the front of the frame- I suggest "why don't you turn it over and slide it in through the back of the frame"... she takes my advice then yells "there it is, I GOT IT!" like she's won the lotto... 

Sister girl- "It" ain't what you got... 

Karma comes quick fo' dat ass.

So I get a call from my friend who tells me a story about a customer...

The customer comes in to the showroom- a woman, kinda ritzy, with 2 kids and her nanny. So my friend greets them, he's the only one in the showroom... "hello ma'am". "Hello" she says. He starts chatting with her about the products, finding out what she's looking for, etc... Meanwhile the nanny is holding both of her kids- one is about a year, the other.. a 3 year old.  While he's talking, he sees the Nanny is growing weary trying to balance these 2 kids, so she begins to put the 3 year old down on a chair... 

The mother says "ah, don't put my child down on that it's dirty", the nanny replies "My arms are getting tired I just need to adjust for a sec"... 

"I pay you to carry my children around!", the mother says.... 

My friend says "whooaaaa"... cuz he just couldn't help himself. The nanny says to him "You see this? You see how she talks to me?"

The mother says "don't put my child down on that, it's dirty!"  Then my friend interjects and says "well can't you hold the child while she stretches her arm out?" She looks stunned, "no" she says "I pay HER to carry my children around!" 

The nanny looks at my friend, then looks at the mother and says  "I've had enough of this shit, I'm leaving", she shoves the 1 year old in the arms of the mother and puts the 3 year old down on the bench and storms out the store... So my friend is standing there with a lil smirk, chuckling to himself...

I'm like can't that 3 year old walk? or was he a special needs deal? My friend is like, "ain't nothin' wrong with that mofo that he couldn't stand up on those 2 lil feet and walk around the store!"

The mother is now standing in the store looking at my friend saying " can you hold this one for a second". He replies, "that's your child and company policy says I am not allowed to touch your kid, I'll get fired".... "But it's just for a second" she says... he says "Sorry ma'am, company policy"... 

So she gets on her cell phone and calls her husband "The Nanny just quit! And this guy in the store won't help me!" So here goes my friend "Gotta Get Loud Gary", screaming loud enough for the person on the phone to hear  "Now I done told you, I can't pick up your kid because of company policy ma'am, tell the whole story!" She gets flustered hangs up the phone and grabs the 3 year old and goes flying out the door and huffing up the street... 

Karma met yo' ass today didn't it?

Women and Shoes

Winter time is my favorite time of the year and I love it partly because of the cold weather... 

Now I like to be out in the cold weather appropriately dressed- that means, all my shit is covered up... but, alas, not all of us get the memo that it's cold out this mofo... 

I'm on my favorite train going home the other night and I see these 3 young chickies on the train- they must be at least 19 or so... 

So I'm listening to my ipod and jamming and I'm looking at one of the 3 chicks, she's a pretty girl, nice hair, big girl- jacket's a lil too snug, slacks... I get down to her feet... My mind is saying... 

Them shoes is jacked up... and i know her baby toe must be hollering for freedom.. she got on regular flats, but her feet are wide and the shoes are stretched out... then I'm saying she got on stockings? OH HELL NO... thems her feet lookin' white and opaque like Hanes stockings! WTH! 

She sittin' there shivering and we need to tell chicks cute don't gotta mean cold! When your feet are looking like you've been dancing in the middle of flour it's time to A. get some lotion and B. get some shoes that provide accurate coverage for your hooves in the middle of winter ya dig?

This brings me back to the spring when I was on the train one morning and I'm standing near the conductor's booth and a woman gets on the train and sits down and I notice everyone is staring at her.. but I don't think anything of it, people stare maybe she got some shiz hanging from her nose... whatever... so this other lady gets on the train and sits down across from the woman and digs in her bag and pulls out a band-aid and reaches across the aisle and says "you want?". The woman, who I can't see fully, motions "no" with  her hand.. so I'm thinking maybe old girl got a paper cut since I see her wringing her hands... 

So my nosey ass peeks around the corner at the lady... "she looks fine to me" I say to myself, I look at her hands... hands seem fine... I go back to my regular position, the woman is staring at her like "bitch take this band aid"... I look again, scan down to her feet...  Que Theme Music from Psycho... Oh shit.. her feet are banged the fuck up you hear me! Homegirl had open toed shoes on and looked like several squirrels came and went hammertime on her damn toes. Not one toe was unscathed.. bleeding toes, cut on her ankle... she must've fallen or tried to go thru a bevy of pigeons whilst they were chowing down on a mountain of bread... But now I see why she rejected the woman's offer... homegirl would've needed 10 band aids to help her... it was only 8:30 am and she was on her way to work no doubt, so you know by 5 she was probably crawling to the damn train station!

Ladies, when you can't tell the difference between your skin and stockings that means it's too cold to be outside with no stockings/socks! and if you can't walk in ya shoes... please.... take them shits off... 

When Stupids attack

So I'm in my office... typing away... 

Here comes the ditz of the office- "helllooooo"

I greet her "Hi" and smile and continue with my typing, 

She sighs and proceeds to dig in the pen cube on my desk and picks up a blue sharpie...and says 

"Is this blue?" Now, let me describe the sharpie to those who don't use them- the sharpie has a colored top to indicate what color it is, since they come in a plethora of colors... so blue top means blue ink, green top-green ink.. you get the picture... 

So you understand my bewilderment at the question- I stopped typing and gave her the same look mothers give children who just asked for another cookie after having 3 - the look that says "Get your lil ass outta here before you get knocked out!" So Dingle Ditz says to me "Oh you don't know, siiiiighhhhh we don't have markers"...  I'm thinking as I'm glaring at her with my mouth ajar- "Bitch it's blue, you can't see that? Then you wonder why you been the assistant for the department for 10 years and no one has given you a chance at doing anything else... cuz clearly you retarded!"

I turn around and keep typing because if I continue to look at her I might also get a case of the Stupids.... 

NY Shit Part 2: Say No to Drugs...

So Hubby & I are sitting outside in our hood enjoying the semi-warm temps... it's around 7:30 or 8 last night.  We're sitting on these benches across from our house and we see a couple come walking down the hill- girl and a guy, they go off in the corner.  Now often teens go into that corner to smoke or get felt up or whatever...

So we're sitting there for about 30 mins. and all of a sudden, the girl comes around the corner screaming on the phone, "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, COME GET ME OH MY GOD!". She's walking toward where we are sitting - now there are about 10 benches- old girl is screaming "OH MY GOD, COME GET ME SHIT! COME GET ME!" and sits down next to me... all the other benches are clear. So you know me... I'm thinking, this bitch is up to some shit... I give her the side eye. The guy she was with is slowly walking behind her, so I'm like "WTF is goin' on here" So I tell hubby... "Move down to the other bench"... As we move, she's screaming at her mother on the phone "Mommy, come get me I'm scared I'm scared! Oh My god I was smoking weed!" The guy sits next to her (he's  around 20 something) he's talking softly "yo what's up with you? Why you trippin'? What's wrong?" So she's like "You did something to me you asshole!! Oh my God! Oh My God" The guy is still talking softly "What's wrong? What I do? " 

We assume he must've been rubbing up on her or tried to stick it in in the corner and she's just in pain... either way I ain't no gynecologist so I told Hubby, time to go upstairs, she playin' games... Hubby, being the nosy ass he is, says "nah lets see what this is about". So then the girl calls 911... I'm like HELL naw! She's yelling at the operator "COME GET ME I'M 15 ! I WAS SMOKING WEED OR SOME SHIT! DON"T U UNDERSTAND"... by this time another young guy maybe 18 yrs old has sat down a few benches down from us and looks a lil "Cuckoo Bang Bang" if ya know what I mean...

So I was like I'm out, I don't wanna be around when the cops come and they try to pin some shit on our asses for being out there... by this point– old girl is paranoid and spazzing out. I was like I'm out, and get up, the girl starts to motion toward us but realizing that we thinks she's playing (or at least I thought old girl was playing) she sits down. Then she gets up and walks down to "Cuckoo Bang Bang" and says "OH MY GOD, MY HEART IS BEATING FAST!" again she gets on the phone... Cuckoo Bang Bang is lookin' at her like she crazy... then she goes "FEEL MY HEART!" takes his hand and puts it on her chest... Hubby and I are sitting across the street watching this unfold cuz this looks like it's about to be a porno... then old girl gets up and gets on the phone starts walking up the block screaming "MOMMY COME GET ME!" and proceeds to scream and spazz out... turns out the guy (who looked to be about 20 something laced her weed with some Coke or PCP. The ambulance came as well as her mother came and someone else came... they had to sedate her ass cuz she was gettin' belligerent up in the ambulance...  

So as we're sitting there in front of our building watching the police write up an incident report  and the ambulance take off... Hubby and I turn our heads in the other direction and here comes Susy the Alcoholic, clearly high off her Jones walking like she's in a drunken military brigade... stops in front of us throws both hands up in the air and slurs "THWEE HATH A NEW PRETHIDENT!" .... heffa the election was 3 days ago... you just now gettin' the results? 

I looked at hubby and got up and went in the house... I had enough excitement for one day...

We got Obama in the White House but Suzie's still in the Crack House....

Say No to Drugs

On some NY Shit...

So I took my lunch this afternoon and some "only in NYC" shit happens.... 

I'm walking down Broadway to go to Cosi to get a salad... so I'm walking past 3 homeless men (or they appear to be homeless)- one is in a wheelchair with a cup and the other 2 are in front of him talking then I hear one of 'em say "Yo I saw you walking last week, now you in a wheelchair?!" Man was like "muhfugga, I been in this wheelchair for years, you ain't seen me walking no last damn week!" The other man,  adamant about having seen him walking, yells, "Yo muthafugga you lyin' I seen your ass last week shit!" At that point I had to laugh to myself cuz that would be some funny mess if he did see him, it be even funnier if that man stood up outta that wheel chair and hauled off and smacked his ass for  messin' up his game  to get more money hollerin' shit out like that... 

So I get across the street go into Cosi and a guy takes my order.. I smile and say "I'd like a chicken caesar please." He smiles, proceeds to gather up the lettuce, cheese, croutons, chicken,  and passes on my salad to a young black girl who then puts dressing on it. Then in the middle of tossing the salad she stops and puts in more chicken I look at her like "you ain't gettin no tip for that extra helping I ain't ask for", then she mumbles... and smiles... "black people like chicken" WHOA! WTF! Are you really black or is David Duke under there? I smirk and say "You didn't just say that right? Black folks ain't genetically predisposed to liking chicken and you shouldn't say stuff like that." She smiles... but with that comment I assume once I got to the "genetically predisposed" part she just assumed I started speaking Swahili... 

I mean, really now, I guess she just wakes up thinking about chicken!???  WTF is that?! Ignorance sure does get 'em young b/c she looked no more than 18 years old.. Poor thing, she gonna be workin' in Cosi for a loooong time.... handin' out free chicken to unsuspecting black folks... 

It ain't "Afterwork" if ya been in ya pj's all day!

Last night a friend of mine and I went to this lounge for their "Afterwork Thursdays"... 

So we get in the place and there are a lot of men sitting at the bar-good for my friend who's single... one problem tho',  they're all old as hell.. balding men, Groucho Marx mustaches, old ass suits  lookin' like they are from a catalog... an old men's catalog from 1982. 

So we order 2 drinks, and go sit down... then 2 pip squeeks come sit across from us... 

Both are the height of a Pre-schooler... nice... Now I'm not tall.. but I know I don't want no one who stands next to me and looks like my child... ya hear me?

So, the one sitting directly across from me, looks like his name is "Spank Spank", wearing a light colored "Sunday 2 for $59 Special" suit complete with vest and tie, he's bald with a Nation of Islam beard and ... got coke bottle magnifying damn glasses... I'm like great... good thing ain't no sun or else this mofo would surely burn the hell out of me... I mean he looks like Red Foxx in Harlem Nights with these glasses!! 

The dreamboat sitting across from my friend? looks like his name is LeRoy... well LeRoy was dead sexy... 

I scan him from head to toe... LeRoy has braids... cornrows going back with  lil curls at the end... ain't that cute? u a grown ass man who got a curl at the end of ya muhfuggin braids?!?!?! I scan down further dusty blue sweater... down further jeans that were a bit on the faded side but he had a fuggin' knee exposed! He had ripped jeans on- strategically torn- like in a square around his effin' knee! ... So LeRoy gets up to go the bar... turns around... he's got another strategically placed rip on the pocket... WTF... pockets flappin',  knee flappin'... WTF is that?! 

So "Flappy Johnson" aka LeRoy returns... and they order food... meanwhile he's staring down my friend trying desperately to make eye contact... ALAS he makes eye contact with her... leans over and says

"Uhhhh has anyone ever told you, you look like Jordin Sparks?" My friend replies "no, haven't heard that one"... thinking its over she turns back to me... LeRoy just don't get it... he continues "Yeah cuz I've been watching VH1 all week, I've been home all week... things been kinda slow"... And Spanks is sittin there lookin' at me bout to burn me to death...

I pause and turn away... I said to her "What he say!?" She repeats it... I know we are in an economic slump right now but does that mean that a man's game must also suffer? Telling a woman that she looks like a celebrity may have gotten you points... however, continuing the rap with the "I've been home all week" leads me to my next question- da hell you doin' at an AFTERWORK event when you been sittin' in ya pj's all day watching VH1!

We gots to do better...

Let's stop the lazy shit, ok?!

A few things I can't stand is stupidity, laziness and people who think that "everyone else" should do something for them.  Of course we're on for another saga of "Let's stop the lazy shit, okay?".

So I'm on the phone again- can you tell I'm on the phone alot with stupid people, it's contagious and I can't see these fools cuz I might catch "Bullshitters" disease... 

Anyway... I'm on the phone with my lovely friend who's out of work- she's been out of work since about August. I thought, foolish me, that she was looking for a job but every time I speak to her, she's telling me about her adventures of driving around the Bronx, Manhattan, hangin' out, goin out, dating etc... so I figure she don't have no bills- hmmmm ... but the bitch just asked me for $20 on Sunday when I saw her ass... 

So last night she tells me that she went online and signed up for a survey that you get paid $75 for. Now... you put in for a survey but a job application so your ass can get a steady check and you can stop singin' that same song by Broke Diddy titled "No Money Mo' Problems" just don't occur to your monkey ass huh?

So I said "uh huh" b/c really what the hell am I supposed to say?   So she goes on to tell me that the survey is about cars and oil, the guy asks her a series of question and gets to "When's the last time you had an oil change?" To which she replies "I haven't gotten one since I bought my car in February"... the man, she says, moans asks her a few more questions then says " I'm sorry ma'am you don't qualify" She says "why? because of that oil change question right?" 

So I say "WTF dummy! You knew it was an oil change survey and yet you still answered the question no?" like does that make sense!? She laughs... because to this "dummy" shit is funny... 

She proceeds to tell me about how she says to this man " Let me ask you a question, I never had my oil changed since I got the car, how often are you supposed to get your oil changed?" now she has male friends and family members yet she asks a stranger in West Bubbafuck Idaho for advice on her car. Boy I tell you if I didn't know any better I'd think this heffa graduated Magna Cum Laude from Harvard!

So the man proceeds to tell her this is a bad thing because her car can just die on her- so I chime in agreement, and I'm telling her she could seize her engine- but of course she ain't listenin' steady talkin'... so I said "eff it, why the hell should I waste my breath and expend energy when this idiota clearly has a listening deficiency!" So she goes on to tell me "the man said I should go to R S Struuzzz? Strusshhh? Strassss?" I put the phone down, b/c I know this bitch doesn't mean "R&S Strauss Auto"- as I pick up she's going  on "I never heard of that, I told him, we don't have those in NY" So I couldn't hold my silence any longer- I said "Dummy, it's R& S Strauss, you have one across the street from your house, it's a NY based company you need to observe things in your area!" She says "there is?" Then just like a special ed student she goes off on another topic, talkin to someone in the background about something totally different then comes back and says "There's one near my house?" So I scream out "Dummy, are you deaf too? Isn't that what I said?" 

So she has another special ed/ADD moment and goes on to tell me that she also signed up for another survey where she'd have to be away for a week, testing birth control drugs....

Tell me why she don't get a job? I hate a lazy mofosucka! It's amazing to me, she's online all night til 2 or 3 in the morning signing up for surveys and playin games on the internet. Yet asks me for $20 and catches an attitude when I say "my money you will not get". Broke lazy ass...  I asked her, "is this easier than finding employment?" She screams out just like a Maury Povich guest "DEY GIVIN" OUT $5,000 TO TEST THIS DRUG OUT! SHIT I NEED THAT MONEY!"  So I said "great, you big dummy! You try out a drug that you don't know shit about and get $5,000 but will have to spend $10,000 to stop your ass from drooling uncontrollably or to fix the mental retardation that may occur as a result of trying this non-FDA approved drug!" But while she's talking about how "Shit I need that money" I realize, she's already retarded- hell this could actually help... 

Stankin'

I'm up in this gig today- sharing an office with this chic,

it's a small office

No air

Hot as hell

She eatin' a sandwich- with ONIONS

You know what that smells like? 

In an office where the temp is 85 degrees and the sun is beatin' thru the window and it's literally the size of 2 bathroom stalls?

Like a fuggin' Homeless shelter in the muthafuggin' summertime... 

Lord help me today... 

I want my 2 points!

I love my friends and family but every now and then I gotta pull out a board and bang my head on it just to deal with half the shit they tell me or ask me advice on. 

   So I got a family member- She's in beauty school- or was in beauty school until about a month ago- when she got kicked out for flunking... 

Let's take a trip back 6 months ago, She calls me excited on the phone,  "Aquietstorm! I'm going to be a cosmetologist." I roll my eyes and sigh because this is career option 45 in the last 2 years... She is about 38, with a child and is in need of some direction, focus, career options- cuz as she says "I'm gettin old, I can't do this shit no more". So she tells me about the program- great- she sounds excited and this is the first time she's sounded excited about anything in A LONG TIME. So being supportive yet cautious- I hitch my wagon to her joy cart- and I encourage her. She emails me her essay- I shoulda known this is when the first head banging board got pulled out... So I correct it, cuz it's a hella mess- misspelling, wrong tense, grammatical errors, shit is just jacked UP! So I email it back to her, a few days later I speak to her and I'm like "Did you get my email with your essay corrected?" She says " Oh, there was somethin' wrong with it? I already sent it in"... WTF!? I mean really now, wrong usage of "their" and "there", everything misspelled except her name! WTF!? So I said well there were some things that were jacked up in the essay, you should've proofread before sending it out... but whatever.. I figure if she gets in then God definitely watches out for fools and baby- cuz she ain't no baby but she damn sure a fool... 

So VOILA! she gets in...  So we go thru a whole financial aid drama- b/c after all, this school is $16,000 for NINE MONTHS!  And she got about $2.00 in her pocket... and 50 cent in her bank account ... so we finish that... they have her sign a bunch of contracts and such... of course.. none of which she reads... 

So 2nd week of classes, I'm speaking to her about the program and she tells me that she has to find her own models... she's screaming and hollering... "THEY AIN'T TELL ME THAT!" So I say, "baby is it in the contract?"  "No" but I know 'ole girl ain't read that contract!

So let's fast forward a few months- 2 weeks before being terminated from the program- she tells me about her classes and how she's having trouble with parallel lines- she can do it at the back of the head but not the front... So I got the side eye going because I'm not comprehending... so I just say "Did you get the teacher to come show you?" "Yes" she says, "the teacher showed me repeatedly I just can't get it". "And another thing I can't understand is clockwise and counterclockwise"... I was in a bookstore, I had to stop in the middle of the aisle and hold my head and look up the sky... surely she's joking I say... so I say "you know a clock right? not the digital the regular clock?" She's like "yeah" I said "clockwise is the direction the clock normally moves in, with time going forward" but alas she was silent on the phone... like a dog looking at a clock she ain't know what time it was... She says "I don't get it, explain it to me like I'm a 5 year old" (yeah like a 5 year old... I know muthafuggas who blind, bald and crazy and can tell you counterclockwise from clockwise) So I got an epiphany- break it down to the Short Yellow Bus level A!.. So I say "Clockwise goes to the right and Counterclockwise goes to the left"... she goes "OOOHHHHH"... WTF, I gotta get on some board of education meeting and explain that we fuckin' up the kids left and right son... this shit ain't cute... She older than all 12 disciples and I gotta break shit down like I'm talking to Snuffaluffagus on muthafuckin' Sesame Street.

So fast forward, 2 weeks later--  I get a frantic call.. "YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED I GOT KICKED OUT FOR 2 POINTS!"  Nice... I'm at work, and she's as loud as a bullhorn... sexy... 

Later on that evening I get all the details...or so I think are all the details... she basically got a 78 (80 is passing) failed by 2 points- it sucks but such is life... go to another school... 

But she asks them to send her transcript- AND to send the rest of her loan money to the other school she plans on going to- HUH? I said "that's not gonna work, they'll send that remaining money back to the state" " NO IT"S MY MONEY I WANT IT SENT TO THE OTHER SCHOOL SHIT!" "hmmm I say, technically it ain't ur money..." but whatever.. we get into a tiff over that... 

So let's fast forward again to last night... I'm on the phone with her discussing shit and shinola... she tells me "I'm suing that school, they tricked me"... LORD WHY DON"T YOU JUST TAKE ME NOW GOD, HEAVEN GOTTA BE READY FOR ME! And so the 3 hour battle via telephone ensues... She goes thru how she received an unofficial transcript- and on that transcript it says her overall average was a 76. Here she goes "I got a 78, what the fuck is this 76 shit" I'm thinking, how can I tactfully say "YOU STILL FAILED EITHER WAY HEFFA!" So we do a run down of her grades.. presentations she got like 100's 110's (she got 10 extra credit points for doing well) then she gets to her tests (which I have to correct her cuz she keeps sayin' "TESSSESSS") and she running off numbers like 71, 70, 74, 73- my thing is - is this the muthafuckin' 5 day forecast or is your ass FAILING THIS SHIT LIKE WHOA!?

 

Then she proceeds to tell me that she failed the first 2 "sessions" of the program- with a 73 and a 71... and the final session she got an 88 or a 94 or some shit... but all averaged out- YOU STILL FAIL... 

So I ask her what is she suing them for? Because either way you fail suga!!!

She's like "they tricked me, I'm reading in this handbook that there was a thing set up to help out students who aren't doing well, they never told me that!" "And also it says that we can use other students in the school instead of looking outside of the school for models" "I've never heard of a school saying that 80 is passing, all my years in school a 65 was passing." I explain to her this ain't no college- it's a vocational school- we ain't gonna go on the standards they uphold cuz after all her essay was full of mistakes and misspellings and she still got in!

 Forgot to mention...She has a script already for the judge- "But your honor, this was my life's dream, I was gonna make something of myself, I had a dream and that's all I wanted to be was a cosmetologist. That's like you goin' to school and someone comes and takes your judgehood away" --yeah she said "judgehood"... yeah... believe it... 

I'm looking at the phone like WTF  why me?  So I can't stand anymore, I can no longer be supportive and sweet at this point, the truth is bubbling inside of me- I can't hold it no more- So I pop- start screamin' Listen! You bout to waste time and energy suing somebody over 2 points and your ass is 38 and shoulda read the mofosuckin' contract son! The judge ain't gonna wanna hear no sob story bout your life" I told her "You sound like an episode of Good Times, cut the bullshit... go to the other school buck up and study if this is what you want to do!" Needless to say we don't stay on the phone long... 

To all you teachers out there... please, I beg of you, inject some critical thinking into ya lesson plans... this child don't know shit from shaving cream and gettin' upset because people "don't tell her" what's already in a written contract that she signed... 

Stay tuned for the journey into the legal system with this blind horse bucking and screaming... hope she get  a Judge Judy type that screams on her... cuz my "Keeping It Real" with her done went wrong since she still going thru with this ridiculous lawsuit...

Innaviews

So I'm in search of a new gig... like most folks...
I went on an interview today for a spot at a reputable magazine-
I get to the building, security like it's the U.N. which is typical these days. I get granted the golden pass to the appropriate floor. I get to the floor, no one- not a messenger, not a receptionist, not even an old Sage to guide me. Luckily a woman comes and opens the door, while inside- I have to ask 4 people for this woman- no one seems to know who she is...
Finally someone points me in the direction of her office-- I walk up in there- and someone else directs me to her office.. she's in there- chillin' playin on the internet like she in Game Stop!
Like Bitch didn't security tell your ass I was coming up!?!?!? And you playin' on the internet like ain't shit goin on...
So after I get over my initial shock of the tomfoolery.. She greets me, I greet her then she hands me a 6 page application- what the fuck is this? McDonald's? After I fill out the SAME SHIT THATS ON MY MUTHAFUGGIN RESUME! We begin the interview...
So she starts "ummm-ing", hemming and hawing... and ... mumbling... like she's a GOTDAMN mental patient! She proceeds to tell me about the dept., and introduce me to everyone in there like I got the job- like heffa, I don't wanna meet your boss- or the underling in the dept.
Then she reads off of a list- the benefits that the company offers- nice...
Then she goes through all the projects that the department takes on- and how difficult the clients are, then she does the "Norman Bates" mumbling under her breath...

Then she asks, "In situations where you've had to deal with difficult people, how do you handle them?" Why do people ask those questions? Like do you expect me to say "Well, first I slap a bitch and ask her what's wrong witchu!?" Heffa it's a job interview? Of course I'm gonna give you the best answer! Then she pulls out a list of questions that she's supposed to ask- at which point I say... "What the hell am I doing here?" So I ask a few questions- one of which is "Who does this position report in to?" And then she says "me"... again I ask myself.. "What the hell am I doing here?"
Then she asks for my salary range- I tell her... then she tells me "well we're currently in the process of asking for an increase for the position" so you know I'm (in my head) saying at this point- "What the eff am I doing here!?"

At that point I've realized "I ain't even puttin' no more energy into this shit"

I'd be working for Pauper Wages, with a department that has a mumbling idiot and a "Where's Waldo" imitator sittin' in the back...

Interviewing... sucks MONKEY NUTS!

The Office-Welfare Part 1

So I am not a recipient of the welfare system- however due to my affiliations I am closely tied to the bullshit because a friend of mine works at a center in Brooklyn.
My friend- we'll call her Ms. E- has been working for HRA for about 8 years now...no doubt, there's been stress and just straight up foolishness encountered...
So Ms. E is at her desk, calls for the next client- and a young lady walks up –
"Hello Ms. E", the young woman says. Ms. E remembers this young lady was at her desk the previous week, trying to get a furniture allowance due to a bed bug situation, but she needed to bring in paper work from an exterminator report in order to get the money.
Ms. E says, "hello, did you bring in your paperwork?" She says "no, I got something better" That's when it happened...
Old girl pulls out a jar, with bed bugs, fluttering around...
WTF is that about!??!!? bitches bringin' bedbugs to ya job!
Needless to say Ms. E jumps up, runs away from her desk, calling for security...

And the next week... Ms.Bed Bug got her furniture allowance for a new bed and sofa set...

The Devil....

How lovely can Friday's be especially at 5 o'clock! That is until this Friday- I realized the devil exists in human form. I was on my way to get my hair done and I had to jump in a cab to get to the joint... 

So I hail a yellow cab... schweet... I notice that he's got tape and shiz over the credit card machine screams out "I only take cash, no credit cards!" I just said- Ok (thinkin to myself- a lil overzealous aren't we?") He's writing down on the log of his fares.. And then I notice that there's a whole bunch of shiz in his windshield.. like lights, flashbulbs, etc...of course being who I am I say to myself- WTF is this shit, he better not be getting ready to blow my ass up in this bitch cuz this will get his cause NO attention.

So we are on our way uptown... I notice that the meter isn't moving, the lil tv inside the thing is out of wack showing some Windows prompting a restart- and I begin to feel uneasy. So I ask the driver "something wrong with your meter?" he's like "No, it's just restarting, taking a long time, it will start soon"... So as we ride... I look on the divider and I see 2 Hindu religious figures- no biggie, people often put religious items around the car to "bless them" right? (And he is an Indian man) So I look closer- on one of the cards of the Hindu figure-  it says in red lettering "God of killing all devils"... of course the inner voice in my head goes- "oh Shit, WTF did I just get into... " So I'm sitting there going back and forth in my head- "is this mofo one of them "blow 'em up" freaks-then I say, QuietStorm-stop that you playing into that shiz-So I sit there and observe some more... on the dashboard- A swastika like drawing- and the same on the mirror- So I say- hmmm maybe that's a religious symbol- that can't be what I think it means- so again, the inner voice says "Ask him what that is!? Damn it! Ask hiM it could mean Good Luck in other cultures after all that didn't start out to mean Hate, death & destruction." So I say to him, "excuse me sir, What's that symbol?"... he says "Swastika" So I say "like Hitler, Nazi, Hail Hitler Swastika" He says "that's right... this symbol means all Aliens kill all non-aliens" Now he didn't mean Alien like Mork & Mindy I know that for sure... Then he goes on to say "This symbol right here is the reason why 6 million Jews were killed" So I paused and said "uh-huh" "ok, let me out at the next corner please". He says "ok!", I pay him the fare and get the fugg out of the devil's lair... Because I know that if he feels that way about Jews- ain't no telling what he feels about me and my people... and I refuse to be apart of any one's racist rant-even if for a second. 

All I could imagine is that conversation turning into how Jews should be killed along with blacks and latinos and women should be under the foot of men- and then I'd be on the 6 o'clock, 11 o'clock and special edition of CNN for bashing his head into the dashboard and paying a crackhead $5 to burn his ass... 

In hindsight I should've reported him for A. having a fucked up cab with no credit card machine b/c all them bitchez are supposed to have it and B. for being a prejudiced mofo with effed up shit all over his vehicle.

Ahhhh.. Fridays... lovely aren't they?

They must be givin' out degrees at yo' school!

So I'm freelancing at this place (been here for about 4 months at this joint) and for the most part it's cool. But every place has it's on set of  files that must go into the "They must be givin' out degrees at your college!". 

Some background info before I begin- anyone who's freelanced knows that you are like a hooker for the night- (or in my case 4 months). You don't get an email address- you often get a random ass "Lowlyfreelancer@jackasscompany.com" and whatever station you happen to be sitting at is the number that you will be called on by the people sitting literally 2 steps away from you.

 

So, one lovely summer afternoon, I'm in this office just working along, listening to my pandora and my "SUPER-visor" comes in and says "You didn't get my message? or are you just ignoring me " I look at him bewildered, because I'm thinking to myself- "#1, you've got issues because why would I ignore your ass.. #2 I just checked email and got nothing" so I turn to him and say "what message?"

So he says "I left you a voicemail" I say, "on my cell phone?". Because why would you leave me a message on a phone that I can't access...

So he's like "no on the office phone"– so I push back from my computer- because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's when stupid people get too close to me, I have to put distance in between us 'cuz I don't need to get no stupid juice on me!

I said to him "This phone?, why would you think I could check messages on this phone?" He's like "you can't access messages? I thought you could". I said "doesn't it say someone else's name and has someone else's voice on it?"  He says "yeah but I thought you could check it"... 

I said to him "no I can't check it, and if I could check it, would I leave another person's name and voice on the machine?!" He just looks at me and says "I guess your right"... 

All I ask is for one step in the direction of Intelligence and Common Sense!

ONE STEP!

So Monday I was out sick and I left him a message saying I'm not coming in but I'll be in on Tuesday.

I get in on Tuesday morning, I'm checking my email- I see "Please confirm that you'll be in at 9 am on Monday, we have the following projects due tomorrow..."

Just as I'm about to respond- "Fulbright Scholar" comes in to my office- so I turn to him and say "you keep sending messages to this account asking me to confirm my schedule, you need to send them to my personal account!" He's like "you can't check the email from home" I pushed back again- because I'm wondering is there a fuggin' camera under my desk or some shit!? No one can be this retarded! So I said to him, "Did you hire me full-time? Am I listed in this company's directory as an employee?, Hell, do I even have an ID?" 

He looks at me perplexed- I said I'M A FREELANCER- YOU HAVE TO ADD ME TO THE SECURITY LIST EVERY MONTH LIKE I'M OSAMA BEEN HIDIN!! YOU HAVE TO SIGN MY TIME SHEET EVERY WEEK THAT SAYS "TEMP AGENCY! HOW CAN MY NAME BE PUT ON A PHONE OR AN EMAIL OR GIVEN SECURITY CLEARANCE TO ACCESS THE MAIL FROM HOME IF I'M NOT TECHNICALLY AN EMPLOYEE OF THIS COMPANY!"

He then says "hmmmm" as if something is just not sinking in.. I said "remember last week you asked me about the voicemail? it's the same issue with the email. They are not going to give a non-SuckaCompany employee a voicemail box or access to their system"

He says "hmmph, ok- gotta look into that". Now let me just say this mofo is 27 years old and is making over $100k a year as a Director.  He needs to take some of that fuggin money and go back to school for common sense... 

But he isn't the only one who's got Silly Mutton on the brain- as I'm writing this blog I get up to go get something from the printer, this woman who's the office assistant says "HI!!!!" I say "good morning" She then turns to me and says in a whispered tone "You should smile" I said "why?" She laughs as if I made a funny " did you just say Why?" I said "yes, I did, why? what am I smiling for? Did something funny/amusing just happen" 

Now this woman always smiles, "we didn't get the account"- Katy smiling like she done hit the lotto! "We've got cookies on edit side" -there she goes grinning... 

I said to her "when you smile all the time, people think you're crazy" and I just looked at her -flashing back in my mind to everytime she walks by someone's cube or the bathroom, people do the circle finger by the brain motion... cuz she be grinning nonstop... 

So what does good old Katy do? She just smiled and walked away....

Probably got the Charlie Brown song going in her head... 

crazy heffa... 

Betcha didn't know Vaseline was used for that!

Welcome back- and I hope you all had a wonderful fourth of July... I know I did... but know back to pushing our Rocks!

So I get a call from my friend- we'll call her Dumas... Any-who Dumas calls me a few days ago to let me know that she started taking a cycling class at her local gym- "Great" I replied. She then tells me about how the class was hard- she can't take pain and how her backside was hurting her. "That's normal" I replied. So she then says to me "My coochie needs a rub down". Now first off let me say- I'm not in the business of rubbing anything female related down- nor do I desire to know that such a need exists! So I told her "You are a nasty piece of work and that's more information than I needed to know!"  So our conversation ends with me calling her all kinds of nasty mofo-fuckers and such.

So about 2 days after that I call her to say what's up- so she tells me she's home sick from work. I'm like "wow summer cold- bummer". She's like "no I don't have a cold- I couldn't go to work because my vagina is dry..." Dead silence on the phone on my end... I'm thinking "no this heffa didn't just tell me this shit"

I'm on lunch at the time of this phone call so needless to say this wasn't very appetizing. Then she goes on and on about how it's "SOOOO DRY!" Again I tell her she's nasty and perhaps she should go to the Gyno and get that looked at. So she's like "well I'm gonna go to the 99c ent store and see if they have something"

LIKE WHAT? SOME SHIT THATS GONNA MAKE U ITCH SOME MORE!??? I was like whatever- this girl has been known to be cheap so I dunno why I'm suprised by this tomfoolery... 

So I say to her perhaps you should try to go to Duane Reade and look at some stuff they have in the Feminine Hygiene aisle- she's like well "I put Vaseline on it so I should be okay for now".

Yes cars come to a screeching halt, mouths drop open and I stop dead in my tracks in the middle of Midtown Manhattan and in a dazed look I say to this trick- "YOU DID WHAT!?"

Now I know we all do some stupid shit and I know I don't have a manual for my body- but I know one thing- I don't put no muthafuggin Vaseline on my private parts- ya dig!?

So after I realize that she isn't joking- I said to her "Bitch are you crazy!?" Because what else am I supposed to say to some dumb shit like that!  What else am I supposed to say to a 34 year old woman- who puts Vaseline in her Va-jay jay?! "That was a good idea"? Oh yeah! That makes sense! 

Because you put VASELINE which is a petroleum jelly and that has a warning that says " NOT FOR INTERNAL USE" Guess she thought that meant don't mix it with ya fuggin Kool Aid! or better yet don't use when you have dry mouth! Idiot!

I told her "Don't you think that would cause you to attract more bacteria?" She gets quiet on the phone as a child does when they've been made painfully aware that they shouldn't have stuffed 2 marbles up their nose!

And she had the nerve to tell her boyfriend of 8 months this foolishness too- he just looked at her shook his head and went in the room. And then she wonders why he is hesitant about marriage and children... 

hmmmm... I wonder why... 

Afro Puffs and Bear Claws: The Prequel and the Sequel

Now for those of you who haven't heard the first installment here's a recap...

So this woman I know who's older needs to be a given a shot of estrogen and a gift certificate to a pedicure place and for one of them African hair braiders on 2-5th to hook her up....
Now let me say I'm not the girliest girl- as most of you know BUT my mom/aunts etc don't roll out the house without looking at the very least like they care about their appearance... And I may not act like I'm a member of the Catillion club but I do know about lotion, nail filing and gettin my hair done.
So anyway.. I'm at a funeral and at the "afterparty" (for a lack of a better term) ... I see this woman who's got to be around 52- and yes I know her... So I glance at her head, she got braids... cornrows.. that look like... HELL! like somebody just took her head and rubbed it under they armpits you hear me!? BRUSH THEM SHITS DAMMNIT! Tie a scarf on the bitches why is there an afro forming in the front of each braid! Then I scan down.. black top... scan down further.. black jeans.. but I'm like whatever.. scan down further and the most ATROCIOUS claws were revealed in sandals with stockings...SANDALS WITH STOCKINGS-BLACK STOCKINGS! Now Her feet where VAN DAMNING! I couldn't stop staring.. I was like, son her toes are like hell and ashy like she's been fighting with powder.. then the nails.. no color not even a simple gloss coat and they were willy nilly.. growing like wild fire! And I'm saying... at this funeral she seen people that she hadn't seen in like 20 years.. Now I'm the first mofosucka to tell you fuck people and what they say.. but even I had to say now you know you wrong for rolling out the house like that! This will be the last image you leave in their mind until the next time you see them.. ashy bear claw like toes and individual afro halo on corn rows..

So let's fast forward a month later... I see said woman at a Barbecue event.. so her hair is done nicely and I say RIGHT ON- Afro Puffs on each braid GONE! HALLELUJAH!
So I scan down AGAIN- ok, pink shirt, ok denim shorts... fine for a bbq... BUT GOTDAMMNIT! AGAIN the feet, Worse than ever before...Toes still unpolished, however the right foot is the worse offender- the big toenail is leaning hard-gangsta like to the right- the 2nd toe is a muthafuggin' birds beak! There is a nail on there that would make Mary and Moses say "Oh Sh*t" in unison... that toe nail was one of them rock ones- and was about 2 inches long... and she had on flip flops! WTF FLIP FLOPS? I presume it's because socks or shoes would've been punctured by the mofosuckin' ROCK FORMATION ON THAT 2nd DAMN TOE! I couldn't stop staring and unlike the first time I refused to be insulted and accosted by such a vision- so I tapped her feverishly and pointed to that toe and said "WASSSSSSUP WIT DAT TOENAIL!" She's like "what?? leave me alone" I told her you better not kick nobody because you gonna have a 1st degree assault on your hands!! I tried to get her to see the severity of the situation- by saying "there goes a nail shop, we should go in!" No doubt it would've been like that Martin episode where Shaneneh had to take a saw to Myra's feet... but alas, she and her nail just sashayed on down the street to her vehicle- where no doubt she was using that nail to press on the gas...

The Beginning

So after careful consideration I've decided to blog about stuff that just isn't normal-shit I just can't make up!
So bare with me as I explore the world of the ridiculous and foolish. I've shared with many my tales of tomfoolery and just straight up stupidity... and now I'm about to embark on something that will surely let the world know that everyone isn't a budding genius and some things like common sense- just aren't common...
Smooches.. stay tuned...