A Casual Observation

So after a bit of a hiatus- I was told this story that made the people in my head fall out onto the floor and DIE!
A few months ago, my friend, *Sassy and I were having lunch and on the way back to her apartment building we ran into her neighbor, they exchange brief hellos and he continues to jog down the block. Now, Sassy, single and looking, tells me that "Joggin' Josh" has the hots for her, she's been told this by another neighbor who speaks to this guy regularly. Sassy has gotten the scoop from her neighbor on Joggin' - a good catch, lawyer, seems like he's got his shit together and is not bad looking and supposedly is Hung like a horse ... nice... I encouraged her to open up the connection for love... one minor hitch tho' he smokes weed like he's on his own version of Snoop Dogg's "Up in Smoke Tour". Sassy isn't feeling him all that much, but she's mildly open to the idea of a connection.
Fast forward to this past week, Sassy and Joggin' had run into each other in the building and chatted for a minute. They talked about how they both stay up late at night and current working situations and whatever else, so they exchange numbers and put out in the air a possibility of hanging out. So on Saturday night/Sunday a.m. Sassy is coming home from an outing and she gets a text from Joggin' pretty much checkin' in with her and saying "What's up". She replies back saying she just got home from a shindig etc... Joggin' invites her to come up to his place to watch a movie and chill. Sassy agrees...well alrighty then!
Sassy arrives at Joggin's apartment and they're watching a movie and "kissin' the sky" (smokin')... nice, everything is cool. Sassy feels there's a bit of tension, like Joggin' wants to make a move but he doesn't and she doesn't push it... so around 4 a.m. Sassy decides that it's time to go... Joggin is not too happy about this and goes through the whole "really?, you're leaving? awww"... so he walks Sassy to the door. At the door, he decides that this is his time to make a move so he throws Sassy against the wall and proceeds to attempt to find her tonsils, a total and complete makeout session, rubbin', kissin' etc...
So they take a break from each others dental exams and Sassy says "I really should go", he says to her "Can I ask you a question?" She's like "sure, what's up?", Joggin' says "You wanna stay and watch me while I jerk off?"...

*Record stops, side eye employed here*...


Sassy, totally flabbergasted, says "No, I don't want to stay while you do that" and then she leaves – totally shocked by what the hell just happened.

I mean really? Watch you while you jerk off?! WTF is this? Detective Dick's Watch N' Wack Reality Show? I think not! And at the very least, wait until the 3rd date to disclose your freaky shit to people! Day #1 is not the best time to let someone know that you like to have your balls banged with a mallet to the tune of MC Hammer's Can't touch this! Ya dig!?

So Joggin' feelin' a lil dis and dismissed (I suppose) sends her text messages for the remainder of the night and the following day, apologizing- saying "It must've been the weed"- homie I think that weed must've been the type Whitney Houston was smokin' which was laced with "Rock Cocaine" aka CRACK!
So a few days later, Sassy, tries to give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps it WAS the weed that made him lose his fuggin' mind! So she sends him a text saying "Hey you wanna catch a drink sometime this week?" He replies back "Sure, and are you up for a little Mission Observation?" She's a little befuddled, "Mission Observation?" is that an X-Box game she asks herself - (more like an XXX Box game). So she calls her friends to find out if there is indeed such a game – of course they are like "HELL NO!" So she texts him back " Mission Observation?" He replies "yeah, you come over and watch me"... flabbergasted and appauled again! She says absolutely not. He replies back "You know, I think I'm just wayyy too casual for you"...
No muthafugga don't try to get Degrassi Jr. High on her like you are apart of the cool kids, Casual is sweat socks and khaki's, kissing him on the first date, answering the phone "Yo" – NOT whippin' ya joint out and rocking your own world with the audience being someone who you know about as much as you know the manager of the friggin' laundrymat on the corner! How about you're just wayyyyy too nasty!

Sassy told me this story yesterday, coincidentally we saw him as we stood in front of the building talking... he cut across the street like a sly cat instead of walking past us and saying hello to her and the neighbor that both of them know... I thought it was "casual" muthafugga? Then why are you going across the street like a puss! I guess in the deep recesses of your mind, even YOU know that shit is about as casual as it is normal...

Wack job... literally...

Theme for today? Foolishness

So I'm watching channel 7 news and a story comes on about a man in Westchester who grabbed a teen girl on her way home from school and threw her in the back of a truck. In no way is this story funny, however, the newscasters need to pick better people to talk to about such events...
So there goes the reporter, stopping a car on the street with a man and his son in the car- the camera shot is from the passenger side.
The son who looks to be about 15 years old is weighin' in at about 300lbs on a light day, ya get me?
The reporter asks him about the kidnapping and his thoughts the father says "this is why parents come and pick up their kids from school, we live right up the street and I come and pick him up (pointing to the son), he's a big guy but I still come to get him"...
This "kid" was swole up in that car, seat belt strainin', you couldn't see the father's chest because the son's stomach blocked the view. The father had to lean forward to be visible... son!
Are you really worried about him gettin' kidnappped? By WHOM!? Muhfuggin' King Kong? cuz truthfully there would have to be like 6 mofos to "throw" his ass anywhere...
shit...

Then I get a call from a friend.. who's coming into to town, he's older, married, love him to death, he's like fam... He's excited to be coming into NYC, lovely... I'm excited too... really...
So I mention something about having a few people over for a lil get together... he asks me "you have any attractive friends"... no, I got some dog lookin' muthas as friends... so ugly I only speak to them on the phone b/c face to face is just too fuggin' hard... WTF!? I tell him, don't ask me no stupid questions okay? Then he continues to tell me that he hasn't "had any" in a while... nice... b/c that was on my top questions for your monkey ass- so? How's the kids? How's the wife? By the way, how's your sex life? Get the fugg outta here!

Now that was a few days ago, I get another call today, asking me if I'm still having this "small get together" because there are some other folks who he works with who will be coming in from out of town... *record scratch* anyone who knows Aquietstorm knows my Modus Operandi on this- I don't know ya friends- they could be comin' to my crib with velcro strapped to their hands willin' to pick up anything like "how'd that get here!?"... I ain't got time and my husband is not up for a jail stint for whoopin' ass ok? So I tell him "I don't want no people I don't know up in my house!" He's like "I'd keep watch on them" really? nice... cuz I trust your ass to watch your skank ass friends in my house... NOT...
So he's like, "it's mostly women"... *another record scratch*... so you mean to tell me, this is going to be an episode of "One Bro, 4 Hoes"??? I think not! I tell him, you may think we partake in absolute ridiculousness on a regular basis, however, you haven't been here in about 3-4 years and I guarantee there are somethings about us and this place you just don't understand:
#1 I WILL NOT be providing a place for you to engage in extramarital affairs- any "love in the club" activity will be had by the 2 mofos who are married and pay rent up in this bitch... NOT YOUR ASS WITH SOME MISCELLANEOUS HOOCH...
#2 We ain't runnin' a Hotel, Harlots and Hand jobs convention... if you feel like you need to pop off then perhaps you need to take your lil monies and scurry on down to the motel for an hourly meeting... but up in this crib, we will not be havin' no Pimps Up Hoes Down activity
#3 YOU MARRIED son! And I know your wife! And I'm married!? And how I look like openin' up that Pandora's box and gateway to hell!!!
#4 If ya wife ain't givin' you none, perhaps Dr. Phil needs to be called and you need to spend your time down there workin out ya marital discord rather than trottin ya happy and horny ass up to NYC...

But of course, I get the "don't you worry about that", to which I reply, you ain't draggin' in the dust of negativity into my crib with this mess...
And then I have to ask him, "you've known me for how long? perhaps you're retarded and don't know that you are going to get cussed out for this question!?"

And of course, the wife and kids come up in the crib and he then has to get off the phone cuz he can't talk about this now...
yeah... I bet... ass

13 Questions...

Recessions have allowed for the most ridiculous tactics to be implemented in the search for the "perfect" candidate. I applied for a job at a reputable organization in New Jersey a few weeks ago and they got back to me yesterday with a response that says that they are interested in me as a candidate and would like me to answer 13 questions so they could determine, pretty much, if I'm worth interviewing formally... really? 13 questions as a pre-interview? I mean really? not 2 or 3 but 13?
And I suppose when I get into the interview what the hell else are you going to ask me? My shoe size? If I like cheese on my burger? Am I lactose intolerant? I mean 13 questions IS the fuggin interview, No???!??? I guess the next step after that is a colonoscopy? I mean can I not just get someone else to answer this and study this shit should I be called for a formal interview?
So I continue reading and now I'm upon the 13 questions- and as I read them my inner voice answers these muthafuggas:
1. What interested you in this position and the "Jack Assedness" Org?
Well, I saw the position, thought I could do the job, it just so happened your asses were the ones hiring for this shit duhhhh!

2 What brings you to the job market? Uh are you muthafuggas serious? Let's see, ...my rent, con-ed and general need for cash in my pockets brings me to this market bitches... did you not get the Recession memo?

3. Do you have both print and online experience? Please briefly describe your experience with both. - Yes otherwise, why would I apply- no better yet, otherwise why would your monkey asses have opted for me and a plethora of other folks to answer these set of dumb ass questions- My experience with both? Hmmm.. guess I shouldn't have bothered to put that shit on my resume huh

4. In your previous jobs, were you required to meet deadlines? Were you successful in meeting them? Have you ever missed a deadline and what were the consequences?
Nah, wasn't required to meet deadlines, was just allowed to let shit slip by all willy nilly- due on the 2nd? Let's get that shit there on the 22nd! da hell you think!? Successful in meeting them? If you call the shits getting there at the last minute successful- HELL YEAH... what were the consequences? Some mofo like yourself sitting me down in a meeting asking me WTF happened- to which I'd respond you give me the shit I needed 2 days before it's due and expect the shit 2 days early... smart..

5.Do you have any budget experience? If so, please briefly describe. I've budgeted my salary and You'll see my budgeting skills when I'm able to get a metro card, a sandwich and go out for drinks after work! Again, guess I shouldn't have put that shit in my resume either...

6. Do you have any experience leading meetings, setting agendas, etc? Yep, After we go over what happened the night before on Bravo, I tell everybody to sit down and shut the fugg up (leading meetings), do as their told (agenda) and there won't be any problems...
Hey I sent you my resume, did you get it?

7. Have you ever worked with editorial and creative staff? Ok, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you didn't get my resume - Really? Why do ask for a resume? I mean all those years of job experience and duties I've listed and you're asking me this question?

8. How would you describe your ability to manage client relationships? See question 6

9. Have you ever managed vendors? Please describe your work with external vendors
Yes, I tell them what I want, they give me what I don't want, I ask them do they know who the fugg their dealing with and then they give me the job for free...

10. Have you ever gone on press runs? If so, please describe your role, etc.
If you mean that game show "Who wants to wait around while "Jeb" in a 'kerchief and one tooth rolls his eyes at me b/c I'm the pain in the ass city muthafugga who comes givin' them a hard time telling them to amp up the cyan, take down the magenta and fix the registration"? then yes and my role? To sit in a waiting room while Jeb and customer service figure out which part of the job they just fucked up is the least fucked up and will quickly get me out of their 2 strands of grey hair...


11. How would you rate your organizational skills and attention to detail? I'd rate my ability to pay attention to crap without getting a bout of torrets and screaming out "bullshit" a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. As for organizational skills I'd rate a 9 as well- I keep contradictory emails organized for reference later on when someone tries to pull a fast one on my ass...

12.Are you able to commute to our offices in New Jersey every day should you get this position? Not really, I was figuring that since you did NOT mention Telecommuting in the description that for sure that shit was an option- I mean I like applying for jobs and reading in between the lines 'n shit...

13.What are your salary expectations? I EXPECT to be paid more than a dishwasher in the middle of Guadelupe-Thanks!

Callin' Dave Chapelle!

You know NYC is a melting pot- but sometimes there's clumps of foolishness that can be quite unbelievable and funny...
So I'm riding the bus today and it's packed with "oldsters" so I'm in my seat just observing- b/c seriously the people who ride buses are quite amusing if ya ask me...
But this particular scene was straight outta the Dave Chapelle show...
Anywho- sitting in the front of the bus is a white man in his 60's, moderately well dressed (blazer, slacks etc)- seems to be a business man who's on his cell phone chatting away... the bus is getting even more crowded but he's taking up 2 seats, so someone alerts him to move his stuff, he gets off the phone and obliges...
A latino woman sits next to him and she's got 3 kids- 2 are about 6-9 years old and one baby. She sits down with the baby and the other 2 boys are standing up but one sits behind the man. The man turns to the woman and says "Where'd you get all these kids from!?"- I give the side eye because I'm like WTF kind of question is that, she picked them up at the store... stupid! Just as I'm thinking that the latino woman says "oh, it was buy one get one free!"... funny I thought, good response to such a ridiculous question.. The man is still smiling and looks back at the young boy behind him and says "Where'd you get that haircut from!"... The lil boy rolls his eyes and turns his head- even he recognizes that this man is a couple of fries short of a happy meal.
So the man says "oh this kid is smart he knows not to talk to strangers!", no not really, he knows not to speak to jackasses is more like it!
So a latino man sitting across from them says " his name is .... " something inaudible-sounds like Laurel or something, his accent is super thick so we don't know what he's saying. The white man says "What? What?" the latino man repeats himself again- and again incoherent. The white man says " What? Landen? Lauden? BIN LADEN!?" then shakes his head and gets off the bus...

I just held my head, I mean really? Where's Dave Chapelle when you need him?!

Drive thru jump off!

Often times as a homegirl I must impart truths to my friends- in spite of the reaction- sometimes friends listen and there are other times friends must crack a budweiser bottle over their heads...
My friend is a single girl, attractive, smart (on Tuesdays and Wednesdays)- and she's been sorta messing with a guy who works at her job... my motto- don't shit where u eat- but that's neither here nor there...
So "Notsobright" after being chased by this guy for months, decides to give in- after telling him that she's a woman of God and she can't be with him b/c he has a girl etc.. blah blah blah...
About a month ago, she invited him to her house where they sat in silence... she says to me "He's not like anything I thought, at work he's so talkative, at my house he didn't have nothing to say"... hmmm I'm silent at this point- b/c I see the handwriting on the wall- I see where ol' boy is going- and it ain't to Sunday Service either...All the while she's telling him that she's into God and this is not what God wants... and he tells her "I spoke to God, God told me we gonna be together"... nice... I'm sure God is lookin' down sayin' "When I said dat!?"

So he comes to her house a few times- they kissing heavily- rubbin' n touchin' n such... at work, he's grabbing her in private rooms- the rubbing 'n such continue.. so by this time they are ready to bang each other like 2 erasers in a first grade classroom, ya dig?
Yesterday I get a text " I fucked him".. WHOA! What?! No hello, no good day no nothin' straight to the Tequila without lickin' the salt... I text her back- "IS that you speaking Notsobright?!" -because after all, this is the same woman who is SO entrenched in Church that one time she wanted me to do Calligraphy on her wall of the different names of Jesus (to which my response was absolutely not- I'm not using my talent for blasphemous purposes whilst you get your back blown out to the vision of the names of Jesus written on ya wall- no thank you to that ticket to Hell)... So she texts me for me to call her- I do so- she's like "Girl, I prayed for God to".. what? I stopped her mid-sentence... "you not gonna sit here and tell me you prayed for God to save you from this situation- when you brought ol' boy to ya house and had many times to stop", I tell her. Secondly- you not gonna start talking about God when you just text me the F bomb up in this piece either! I ain't no religious Rita- but I know there are some words that don't go together in the same sentence.. like "Fatback" and "Healthy" don't belong in the same sentence, neither does "Jesus" and "F Bomb"... She goes off on a tangent screamin' "YOU THINK I DON'T LOVE GOD"... "Hey" I tell her, "Go sell crazy somewhere else, this aint' about you lovin' God"...
I told her, if you gonna do it, do it, don't be tellin me how you prayed and how you did a rain dance for God or the gas man to come and stop you from "sinning"... if you gonna play big Girl games then get prepared to deal with big girl shit- I ain't judging her frankly I knew she would do it, everyone needs a tune up e'ry now and then... but don't tell me he tricked you and he's not who you thought he was... after all he came over to your house at 6pm... you sent me that message at 6:45pm... he had left to "go meet his daughter"... who I thought was 12- where he meeting her? Romper Room? Fugg outta here! He had to go home to his girlfriend (of 4 years!)...not to mention it took less than an hour to get the session jumped off! Like a drive thru! shoo...

I know this girl, I know her well enough that I can run down the script that will take place over the next few weeks. She's like this is a one time thing I'm not going to do it again... "yeah ok, I said, he's coming over to your house tomorrow isn't he?" "Yeah" she says modestly... "uh huh, all I'm sayin is don't give me no Creflo Dollar sermons about how the devil is fightin God for your soul- cuz it aint that serious- people losin' homes and jobs and starvin' I think God got better things to tend to than whether you gonna play the letter game with ya legs!" She's silent- "you don't understand she says"... "no I understand" I say, but this ain't a battle between Good and evil I say... she screams "YES IT IS"... I gotta get off the phone cuz she thinkin' this is an episode of "God and the Devil goes to Brooklyn"
I'm like "bye Notsobright"... then she screams "I needed it!"... what is this? a crackhouse? I mean really... let's not turn this into an episode of Intervention- it's too hot and this is too foolish...

Stay tuned... Tales of Notsobright ain't finished yet...

Stupid Moment# 34190

So living in NYC often has it's ups and downs- this past week-a down moment occurred- a woman in my building was raped and robbed in the elevator. Tragic indeed, the assailant is described as a black man 5'9-6'0 in his 30's, wearing a black hoodie...
So with that description- hubby is indeed worried- after all he's a black man in his 30's and 6'4- you say the height doesn't fit the description? But to folks who run from him in the laundry room b/c they believe he's about to steal their dirty underwear, surely you can see why his worry radar goes up... so his latest mission is not to seem threatening to anyone in the building- so he smiles, pauses before he approaches the door and has to check the mailbox to subtly PROVE that he lives here...and no he shouldn't have to but to avoid being the next star on COPS he's taking extra precautions given the circumstances...

However, there are a few other males who don't fit in the smart/cautious category...
Yesterday while entering our building- we notice a dude who's in our age group- 30's - we've dubbed him "Quarter Water" after we saw him sitting atop a ledge outside of our building swinging his legs with 2 pippie longstock braids- all whilst drinking a Quarter Water... sexy I know..
Well "Quarter Water" was outside again- sitting on the stoop- in 90 degree weather- with...alas... a black Ed Hardy Hoodie... wow.. you's a bright mofosucka aren't you? After all you fit the description of the assailant- black man, 30's and alas wearing a HOODIE- IN THE FUGGIN SUMMERTIME no less! "Hi My name is Dumb ass!" And wearing sunglasses! Yes Ed Hardy is "fashionable" (not really) but it's gonna be Ed "Hardy" you married to in Cell Block #4 on Rikers! And as hubby walks in the building he says aloud "Wow Hoodies in the heat- my sweat glands missed that memo"
I'm all for not making assumptions- b/c seriously there are at least 200 men in the neighborhood that fit that description- but you wearing a black hoodie when there's a miscellaneous black man running around as your twin raping and robbing women really don't help the situation, ya dig?! Let's use common sense here! Not only do you look like the g*tdamn Uni-bomber, you also look like the suspect! Did you go to Yale? I mean you must've graduated Magna Cum Laude! Oh how scientists should do an experiment on how your brain works...

And as elderly women approach the building he's sitting there looking bewildered when they double step like "Magda" in that movie Something About Mary to get inside the building and you are even more perplexed when they look behind them like this is Halloween Washington Heights Version! Let's not give the police a reason to stop you- okay?

The Heroine of White Castle

So hubby and I are in White Castle today- yes I know...
anyway, we're waiting for our food and we notice a young Asian guy sitting by himself eating his burgers in a booth... chillin' when La Heroin Addict who looks like he can be a stunt double for those Intervention shows on A&E, complete with a goose down jacket and a knit hat, comes in.

Staggering and mumbling some incoherent mess, La Heroin sits down with the young man at the booth and says "I want ur burger", the guy, clearly stunned by this demand, sits there unmoved. Then Heroin picks up a burger from the guy's tray and starts chompin'and continues to sit there staring at him as if he's about to say something profound... In watching all this transpire, I assume he MUST know this man, but hubby assures me these 2 are not "best buds".
The Asian guy continues to sit there with his new found "friend" and finishes his other 2 burgers and soda and then gets up and empties his tray... then turns around like the Angry Monkey on Family Guy and just glares at the Heroin addict, who, by the way, is happily humming a tune whilst smackin' on the burger...

Hubby was right when he said "that only happens to certain people" because I can't imagine myself sittin' there chillin' with Le Crackhead after he just basically jacked my hungry ass for a burger! And dude, now is not the time to turn around and glare at him because he just took a burger from ur ass- keep it moving, the glare isn't going to do nothing but surely upset Heroin even more and he'll be taking more than a damn burger from your plate... he'll be takin' a bite out yo' ass...

Kaki Papi

It's always interesting when going to the local bodega, there's always something to see... a crackhead dancing, the local dealers fighting over who got the better whip or the women fighting over who's man is really theirs... then there's some things that just make you want to pack up and move to the suburbs next to a bear...
So hubby and I on our nightly summertime walks in the hood, happen upon the local bodega... nothing out of the norm, packed scene as usual, people playin' lotto, buyin "loosies" and such. Hubby goes to the back to get a juice, I'm standing in the front of the store waiting, as he comes up the aisle, a man passes in front of him and hubby says to me "you smell that? that man smells like sh*t!" Now before I go on, I must say hubby is always sayin' somebody is Funky up in there so I just shrug it off like whatever, but then... he passes in front of me and I said "EWWW Hold up, that really smells like he poo'd himself!" Hubby looks at me like "Ya think?!?!?"
I thought he meant like a stank cigar smell- not like he literally shit his pants! So I just shake my head, tell him to hurry up and pay so we can get out of there. I mean dude is about 40 years old, not homeless, dressed descently white tee, khaki pants (literally Ka-Ka) and a baseball cap and seemingly jovial... like he don't stank all up to be damned!

Both of us thinking we were the only ones to smell it, stare at this man in disgust. Then one by one, people are lookin' like "WTH!" By this time the store has at least 10 people in it, all with our noses turned up, glaring at homie who is lingering in the store, walking around up and down the aisles talking to the workers in the store and patrons... I mean come on! You know you stankin'! You KNOW you smell like sh*t!
As we are leaving, Kaki Papi is chatting with another man by the door in spanish, the man is rushing to get out the door and then turns to me and says "DIABLO!"

Diablo indeed Papi, Diablo indeed...

The Office-Welfare Part 654

Just another lovely day at the welfare office and my friend is sitting at her cube, when she hears a raucous going on in the cube next to her...
"Rumble, rumble rumble" ... a few chairs move... clearly a tussle going on...smacking sounds... then a meek woman's voice says "why you smack me?"
My friend jumps up and runs McGyver style to her supervisor who's standing next to security and says "there's a woman in the cube next to me being assaulted"... Security and her supervisor go running... there's a man and woman in the cube... the man is clearly angry with the woman- I mean why else would you be smacking someone up? That's the ticket right? So the supervisor says "what's going on here" and security says to the woman, who's holding her face- "do you want to press charges"... they remove the man from the area and put him in the waiting area... she looks fearful... doesn't say anything.... but Fo-hammad Assli comes storming back to the area and glares at the girl, who is surrounded by security, he pokes thru the circle of people and says.. "I'm gon' gitchu when we get home!".... After being asked again if she wants to press charges- she meekly says "no"... security asks her to leave and the supervisor says "Don't nobody say they saw nuthin, she end up dead, channel 12 Bklyn news won't be askin' me what happened, shit"... nice... just when you thought humanity had gone to the dogs, some sorry sack of shit shows you it's actually gone to hell....

$20 for the Gas- $40 for the Stupidity

So hubby is in the gas station yesterday in Scarsdale when the most ridiculous thing happens.
He pumps his gas, goes inside to pay the attendant and as he is walking back to the car and putting his receipt in his wallet, a man comes up to him...
Said man-short lil' pip-squeak is on the phone, talking loudly, has $20 out and says to my hubby- "Hey put $20 in that BMW right there", then the man turns and walks back to his car, continuing his loud convo apparently with someone who is deaf!
So hubby, looks at the $20 puts it in his pocket, walks over to his car on the other side of the gas station and drives back to work.
Now at first I was like, that's not cool... but then I said eff that he was an arrogant lil runt- who I'm sure was going apeshit after sitting in his car for 15 minutes and no gas... not to mention- it's a SELF SERVE STATION YOU DUMMY!!!
People, let's be smart- you pay double for ignorance...

Shoe Size? Uhhh Hold on lemme call somebody...

So I just got an IM from a friend -we'll call her "NOTTOO BRIGHT"
HER: what size sneakers u wear?
ME: 8, u gettin' me some kicks?
HER: no, orderin' from DSW & we wear the same size shoe and I didn't know my size.
ME: admit it your a Rhodes Scholar aren't you?!
HER: huh?
ME: fine, play coy... ass
HER: Are you mad today?
ME: Nope, just not understanding why you don't know your own effin' shoe size...
HER: my sister has been giving me sneakers for so long, they are always tight, I know yours always fit fine...
ME: but u don't buy shoes?
shoes and sneakers are generally the same size
just buy the 8's ... I'm writing a book- and it's gonna be all about the craziness you put me thru!
HER: SO! It'll be a best seller-


I can't take it... somebody give me a gun...

Bathroom Warming

So I get an evite to an old friend's housewarming party... nice, I'm not the type of girl who bitches about other folks' registry- I mean we all have our tastes however there's a point where one must stop and re-evaluate certain situations... 

I contemplate whether I'm going to make a brief appearance or not then I read the evite- first of all- the evite wasn't sent by him - who is he that he can't send his own evite? King of Zemunda? But then the other side of my head says- perhaps this is someone who is throwing it FOR him... okay... be nice...

Then I see he's registered at Porcelanosa.. nice place, I don't shop there but I've seen and heard of it - it's a place that sells beautiful stuff for kitchen and bathroom renovations... So I'm like wow nice place to be registered... son, I ain't got no money to be buying stuff from there for him so I'm definitely NOT going... 

Then I see the following statement in the Note about the housewarming -

"Fu has set up a gift registry at Porcelanosa to which a separate email will be sent allowing you to help Fu create the bathroom of his dreams"... I re-read that line- excuse me.. so you want to have DIY bathroom on my money, so you can shit in style?! Is this a housewarming or a fuggin' bathroom warming? Tell people not to bring anything if you don't need anything 'cept some mofo tiles and showerheads!! But to ask people to buy your shower heads and wall and floor tiles is a bit much! You must be smokin' ANGEL DUST! 

Like on our wedding registry we didn't put "cement - 2 buckets, wood planks- 46, nails 2,345" and a note saying "help us build the hut of our dreams!"... cuz that shit is a bit much no!????.... YESSSS!!! 

I always believed you need to consider your desires- yes- but also the capabilities of who you invitin'- if you invitin' mofos who livin' with they momma and u asking them to fund your "Bahamas in Brooklyn" style living room complete with cement and a gang of palm trees perhaps the invite need not be extended to those parties... and keep in mind, it's a recession! Your invited guests are probably in the midst of being caught up in the sweep of a layoff! And you asking them to create the bathroom of your dreams!?- they gonna be asking to stay in your bathtub for a few nights til they get on their feet!

Fugg outta here!

Seen & Heard.. About

Seen & Heard #1
My friend told me about how she was on the train and a young couple- about 17 years old on train- #2 headed uptown, discussing the details of their relationship. The girl, clearly upset with the guy because she feels like they don't do anything except have sexual relations- she says "Daddy, why when you come over, we just have sex". (Who the f*ck is "DADDY" guess b/c she doesn't have one she calls anyone with a penis "Daddy")
To which the young prince charming replies- in a loud voice "Whachu mean? Don't I f*ck you right every night?!" My friend is squinting in disgust as this point. The young lady can't get a word in edge wise, as Prince Charming continues "I know alot of other b*tches dat would love to have this d*ck in they mouth!" Both my friend and another man on the train had that look like they just saw a ghost- mouths agape, heads shaking in disgust- The girl tries to get Prince charming to lower his voice as he continues "I don't give f*ck who can hear!" Apparently...

I'm writing a new book "Act like a dummy, get treated like a hoe!"
In Stores SOON!


Seen & Heard #2...
Hubby is at work- on the computer- he works in a showroom. The doors to the store are open- balloons etc. A woman is standing outside of the store about 10 ft from the door, his phone rings.
He picks up, "hello, XYZ how can I help you?" A woman says "Uh yes I can't seem to find the entrance to your store", hubby says, "we are right next to the dental office, when you come up the stairs on your right." She's repeating him "... next to Dental office", but as she continues to speak, he notices- it's the woman standing OUTSIDE the fuggin' store! He just stares at her as she looks directly into the store and continues to try to get him to describe what the store looks like.
So she continues, "I'm looking for a guy named John* (names have been changed for Immigration purposes) but all I see is a black guy in the store."...
Hubby pauses, stands up so he can let her know that he knows she's the one standing outside the store on the phone, then he says to her "Wooowwwwww, the black guy in the store IS named John."
She threw her hands over her mouth and said "Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" Turns around and runs down the stairs and sends her husband in the store ...

Today's word: ASSumption

Cocksure!

I once heard a quote that went something like -
The untalented and unintelligent are cocksure, while the most talented and intelligent are full of self doubt...
And this week, I got a call from a family member that proved this quote is true beyond a shadow of a doubt. Damn shame that you can't pick your family because if I could- I'd have to exchange this one in for "Roscoe the Wino"...
So I get an email that starts out "Hey Crazy Lady"... but after I finished reading I realized- this mofo is the one who is clearly crazy! The email starts out by family member- we'll call "Jackass" (you'll see why in a minute) telling me how he's emailing me from the library and he's tired of the "bitch" he's with, she doesn't do anything for him and how he has to go to court for another "bitch" who's suing him for child support. I know your saying to yourself- "Damn how can I get with this hunk of manliness?"...

So he continues in the email to tell me that he needs $20. Nice- I knew the real reason for the correspondence was in there somewhere. I had previously told this Shepard for the Devil that I am not working and don't have any money (I'm workin' but his ass don't need to know that). So he continues, "I know you don't have a job or any money but I need 20 dollars before March 26 so if you save maybe 50 cents a day by then you will have it."
oh yeah you read that right...he told ME to save 50 cents a day... ME! WTF??? I mean really?!?!? The effort it took you to walk your skanky ass to the library and waste energy typing that fuggin' e-mail you could've taken your monkey ass a step further and asked the librarian "yall hiring?"... Now, I know she would've said no, because I'm pretty sure she could see that you were wrapped in "I don't read a muthafuggin' thing" paper and "WTF I need a book for" ribbon but effort would have been nice!

I had to admit the first time I just skimmed the email, saw "crazy bitch won't help me", saw court then saw $20 and closed the email. I almost sent him the money along with 7 job listings... it was Sunday, I just finished watching a Joel Osteen program- so I got caught up... but the devil got people dressed up in character and I almost got taken down! Then I re-read the email, cuz the lil Quiet Storm voice told me to read that shit again- along with the feeling that I was about to be hit in the head with a shovel caused me to pause and shake my head to regain my focus...and as I re-read that shit I was floored, absolutely floored- how the eff u gonna tell me to save the money... FOR YOU!!
I had spoken to this idiot before my 2nd reading of the "letter from the Devil"... he was telling me that he was taking some stuff to the pawn shop b/c he needed money and he was lamenting about the woman, the house he's living in etc... I ignored it and kept my phone on mute as I do since I usually burst out into cursing fits and other words that would no doubt leave his "girlhood" damaged and on the floor...
After reading the letter for the 2nd time, my first hunch said to call him back, and ask him does turning his penis inside out to make a vagina hurt, because that letter was a straight bitch ass move on his part- but I took 2 steps back, let the anger subside and then I said I'm not going to respond- because once the floodgates opened... there would be no stopping...

So of course... 4 days later, he calls me - asks me did I get his email- I said yeah... "still saving"..
he said "what"... I repeated myself calmly... "Still saving... ya bitch"... and then I hung up...

He ain't call back yet...

Get off da tit!

So last week, hubby and I go to visit one of his old co-workers for dinner and just to chill at their crib... This couple is always interesting because it doesn't matter what the topic is- they will argue right in front of our asses like we are invisible and they share intimate details that NO ONE should ever share...
So said couple has 2 kids (girls ages 2 and 5), a nice co-op they are residing in with a garage- beautiful home...
We come in and start chatting it up, it's been about 2 years since we've seen them and were glad to reconnect. So they give us a tour of the house- nice- the kiddies are asleep... so precious.
We come back downstairs, order food and start chatting it up again- of course we get into the discussion about kids, with the obvious question "when are you two having some kids"... yeah yeah I say, when yall payin' for them lil crumb snatchers... So hubby says to his friend, Dred*, "are you gonna try for a boy?" ... Dred looks down and then laughs nervously, "I just found out man I can't have no more kids"... damn.. what a way to start dinner off and being that hubby is sometimes a "lil slow" he's like "whatchu mean"... so I look at Dred, he's rolling his eyes, shaking his head "no no more kids man"... I'm thinking "damn he put his infertility out on the table" ... then his wife yelps out "The shop is closed! I got my tubes tied! no more!".... WTF... "DAMN" I yell... Dred confirms and then reveals ole girl went and got her tubes tied THEN came home and told him over dinner on some ole "pass the peas, oh yeah by the way I got my tubes tied, take the bread out the oven" type shit... So hubby and I look at each other- here goes the Dr. Phil session... so she starts to ramble about how it's her decision but I'm just saying... it's your HUSBAND not the dude from the corner store! Tell him before you make the move... but that's just me...

So we change the topic and are back to laughing and joking and the 2 year old is now awake and comes down stairs- she immediately comes over to her mom and starts crying... her mom then picks her up and goes into the living room and is holding her close... I'm like "awww mommy daughter time" thinking she's rocking lil one back to sleep... but oh how I was wrong...
So she comes back into the kitchen and sits down, the 2 year old is running around giggling and playing, then the wife says to me "yeah she needed to be fed"... EXCUSE ME? she continues "People are still shocked that I'm breastfeeding her" ... What the... BREASTFEEDING!? That child came down the stairs on her OWN and you up here breast feeding her!?!?!?
So, I'm in shock, because after all, shorty is walking around eatin' potato chips and pieces of chicken and pizza and you still got her on the tit?! When she gonna start drinking from a cup, when she 30? She'll be like, hold on let's reschedule that meeting with the agency, I gotta go home for my feeding! ... shit... So her husband is like "yeah man, she still nursin' the baby" I'm like excuse me your "baby" walking round here like she own this joint and telling you she wants chicken!! So then of course, she continues, "gurrrl, my nipple could be out I wouldn't know it, I have no sensation"... I put my chicken wing down... nah son... fuck that I don't wanna eat no more behind that shit... my hubby of course is mid bite on a slice of pizza and puts that shit down himself... So her hubby continues, "yeah man, I try to get a lil somethin' started and I touch her breast and nuttin' happen man... nuttin'... " I jumped up and left the room- do I need to know that you and your wife are having "response" issues??????
I come back after the chatter about her having Wooden Nipples has ceased...
So we are sitting there talking about life and such and here comes the 2 year old...
gets in her mother's lap pulls down her mother's top and starts to GO TO TOWN! I was startled, because I'm sitting there, "yeah and you know... wait a minute what the fuck?!?" The little booger did that shit 4 times while we were sitting there talking... she was layin' in her mother's arms.. playin' with her feet... suckin' on the tit...
I was at a loss for words- especially after Feeding #3 I accidentally glanced down to the child only to get a birds eye view of this woman's exposed tit with veins looking like they fixin' to bust up outta her breast!

All I'm sayin' is... this kid ate like 6 wings then came to momma to get somethin' to wash them shits down... how you figure you got hot wing sauce on ya nipples and you and ya husband ain't been playin' love makin' games! if the baby can hold a fuckin' chicken wing they can hold a damn bottle or a cup!

We gots to do better!

Seein' Double

So I'm sitting at my desk working and plugging along and this woman comes in and drops a copy of ABC off to me, I just say thank you- and keep pluggin away at this work... 

About 30 minutes later, the same woman comes and drops off ANOTHER copy of the same issue of ABC and wisks out the room but before she wisks out the room she shouts out "IT'S COLD IN HERE!" - I look around like did I just experience Deja Vu or did this bitch just drop off the same shit! AND is this bitch retarded or she got torrets cuz she screamin' out like she on the short fuckin' yellow bus with a drool cup and a muthafuggin chin strap AND like she don't see me on the fuckin' phone! 

So I get up and go over to her desk with the 2nd issue of ABC and say "you gave me 2 copies, here's this one back"... she says in a whiny voice like she's lil orphan Annie, "are you suurrreeee???? I didn't give you XYZ?" I look at her and say "I'm sure" meanwhile I'm thinking to myself - "bitch I ain't got coke bottle glasses and I ain't seein' double issues in TWO DIFFERENT PLACES ON MY FUCKIN DESK!" It took everything in me to not just smack that gray outta her fuckin' hair... 

So as she is about to hand me a copy of XYZ she snatches them back and says "I don't believe you!"

I asked who's on the cover of ABC she says "it's Michael J. Fox"- I tell her "keep that shit", because at this point

if you think that I'm scheming on motherfuggin' copies of Alex from Family Ties then keep them shits!

She says "that's not nice". I said "no what's not nice is you thinking that I'm jipping your for an extra copy of that magazine- 

with old ass Michael J. Fox on that mutha, he got more lines on his face than a search and find puzzle" 

but still Stupid Stacey proceeds to walk back to my desk and says "Oh I guess I gave you 2 of the same thing"... 

I pause- surely this bitch is being paid by the devil to make my head pop the hell off... I said "just put

it down there and remember that u did, thanks!"

I don't have time for the bullshit!!

Symphony of Stank

Last week I get on the train- the back of the train- which usually I don't do for 2 reasons... 

There are usually pervs or crackheads in the back of that mutha, but I didn't have a choice, it was either get on or miss the train... 

Anway, I get on at the door that's near the little conductor's booth- where u can walk thru the train- there's a man standing there facing the booth clearly talking to himself... but that's not anything out of the ordinary... I mean this is NYC... in the back of this man are 5 people all sitting in the seats and next to him is man who's clearly a tourist- Welcome to New York Baby... he's looking a little scared... 

So a few train stops go by and then the man who is talking to himself AND holding his stomach, starts to let off a muthafuggin' Trumpet of farts- that's right... a musical selection from his ASS!

I'm caught in between stations so either I hold my breath or walk thru the car- which was NOT going to happen. But what amazed me is why the Symphony of Stank was being played- these motherfuggin 5 idiots were STILL sitting there! Like I mean REALLY? The motherfucker's back was turned to them- so basically he was fartin' in their faces!!! They didn't move- I guess a seat is worth that much to your ass that you willin' to withstand stank all up to be damned! Instead- all 5 of these mofos including the tourist standing next to him ducked their head into their coats or used their newspapers to cover their noses... I said outloud "Oh Hell no!" and when the train pulled into the station I bolted outta there like my ass was on fire!

Is a seat on the subway worth that much that you'll allow yourself to sit there while a crazy man farts like his ass is literally playin' Biggie's Notorious soundtrack???

I think not... 

Gotta love NYC

Ask anyone and they'll tell you AQuietstorm loves her some NYC- born and bred here- however, there are some days when NY is a bit much! And today is one of those days-

I get on the subway, no problem 8:31 a.m. and of course- folks are packed like cattle.

So I go to my usual spot by the door- and of course I get the crazies because hey, it's me, what else would my life be if I didn't get to stand next to an idiot who is a germa-phobe...(eyes rollin')

So this young lady, gets on the train and decides that she doesn't want to hold on to the pole so she stands in the middle of the train- like she's surfing- legs spread apart, holding on to the ipod and swaying back and forth like a human pendulum. Did I say she also has a book bag that weighs at least 25 lbs? So she continues to sway for 2 stops with the book bag and after being pushed from side to side- the idiot moves closer in MY direction. Great- just what I needed. Still sticking with  her original plan of roughing it without holding on- she puts her knee on the pole, that's right- her knee - because what u didn't know boys and girls is that God put mofo SUCTIONS on your knee cap!!!!

 Then as she inches closer to get a better stance on the pole- the person she's molesting with her other leg, gives her that look like "It's 8 am and I will bust your ass because I haven't had my coffee yet" ... so she decides... let me just put my FIST on the pole- yeah, because I don't wanna hold on so I'm gonna try to navigate the swaying by putting my fist on the pole- don't you love it? She glances at me only to see the "Bitch please" expression on my face and decides maybe the knee isn't the best option for her so instead of her fist- she moves to 1 finger- her index finger- nice- you stupid wench... if the train stops abruptly you gonna be minus a finger u dip shit... 

My thing is this- you might have gotten away from the germs by not holding on to the railing entering the station– but you use a metro card to swipe thru that system- so you touch that metro card and it goes thru the same slot that many other metro cards have gone thru- especially metro cards that have been swiped thru the ass of a stripper named "Tasty" the night before! So after the metro card has gone thru "Tasty's" metro card system, it enters the MTA slot- which then ur metro card swipes thru and then u put that shit in ur wallet- so if you were gonna catch something- it wouldn't be from the pole u dingleberry! Not to mention, u are using everything else to hold on to the pole- can the top of your fist be detached and discarded- apparently your brain works in that manner however your hand does not! Your jeans? oh yeah they are anti-bacterial you say? Nice- if there was some flesh eating or acidic germ that was pole jumping- u think that it wouldn't move from your fist or jeans knee cap to kill u??? 

And then as I'm standing there watching this bitch go from index finger back to fist- I notice there's a big headed man standing behind her, ipod blasting and he's RIGHT on her back, he's holding on the bar above Germaphobe but he's so close that she has to tilt her head forward to avoid being in his arm pit (makes ya feel all Lever 2000 like right?)- well Big Head decides this is a fuckin' concert and I guess the tune he was listening to got good b/c he decides- "This is my audition for guitarist on a subway pole!" so he proceeds to play the tune on the pole with his fat fingers and arm jerkin' to the beat right on Germaphobe's head!

What I also love is how this young chic, gets on the train- hood girl- with a baby stroller- it was the longest fuckin' stroller I've ever seen in my life... usually I have no problem, u on the train it's a stroller- whatever- 

but  Hood girl pushes this stroller on and is takin' out mofo's left and right- you just hear people screamin' "DAMN" , "ESSSCUSE ME!", "SHIT", "OUCH!"... she rollin' thru angry as hell not saying excuse me the first and steady rolling her eyes...I ignored her and kept holding on, then I felt the stroller hit my heel- it's early I don't have a filter for facial expressions before 9:30- so I turn around and glare at her- she says "Sorry miss"- I just said "uh huh" but you steady standing there with a 'tude! Don't catch an attitude because you decided that at 8:45 am u and ur long ass stroller was gonna get on and then got the nerve to be takin' out muthafuggin' ankles and shit... 

New York Subways... shit... 

Stupid Mutha**&#(#*&

So I've been at this gig for a minute-coming up on a year-being a permalancer here and it never ceases to amaze me how stupid people in management positions are. When I first got here a year ago there was a young lady who worked with me, who was a bit of a drag to others in the department- she didn't want to do much and claimed that certain tasks were not her "fuckin' job" as she so eloquently stated at least 100 times.

Her boss, who I'm freelancing for asked her a few times to burn a few cds and dvds- to which she replied, "my computer doesn't have a burner"... I often found this to be odd since I have the same computer at home and I have a burner. Not to mention it's a 2008 imac- the chances of that not having a CD burner are about the same as it not coming with a mouse! 

So fast forward about 7 months later to today, the eloquent speaker had been fired earlier and her replacement is now using the computer. I'm in a meeting with the boss and he asks, "does that other computer have a burner? or is your computer the only one that has a burner?" I tilt my head, surely you jest, a year later and you still haven't checked to see if the shit has a burner!? Not to mention how are you a creative director with a mac at home and claim to be knowledgeable about technology and NOT know that  OF COURSE the computer can burn?!?!?  So after tilting my head and my hand on my hips like a mother who's about to open up a can of whoop ass on a child, I say, "you've been asking that question for a year, I'm 100% positive that computer has a burner." He says, "well the previous girl told me she couldn't burn, but maybe she just didn't want to do the work", I reply "that sounds more likely to be the case than a 2008 imac not having a burner". I leave his office and go to the woman who's working on said computer and I say "Do me a favor, take this blank CD and burn something on there", she obliges me and burns a CD. Right on queue the Dingle Dick Director walks in and I say "you can burn on that computer, she just burned a CD to prove it", he says "Unbelievable! Un- Be-Liev-A- Ble! that's a good thing".... then says "thanks" and walks out.... 

I said to the other girl, what's "Unbelievable" is that for a year his monkey ass sat up in this department and didn't even bother to check to see if the computer has burning capability... what's even more "unbelievable" is that you really took the word of a woman who you described as being lazy!

What's even more believable is that you can walk and chew gum at the same time- stupid mutha*&^#(@)(@

Crouchin' Tiger Hidden Fool...

So this chick at work is chattin' with me about random shiz and we happen to come upon her boyfriend who she tells me needs to move out of his neighborhood. Her boyfriend moved to Brooklyn-Bed Stuy-yep Do or Die...

Anyway, her boyfriend is coming home from work, walking under the scaffolding in his neighborhood while talking on his blackberry when all of a sudden, a guy accosts him from behind and then a second man came running across the street and swings on the scaffolding and kicks this man in the head! Luckily he suffered minor injuries to his head after Crazy LeRoy went Kung Fool on him... 

Now...

I'm dying inside! But the thing is she was giggling while she was telling the story because no matter what side of the story you are on, that shit is funny... Forgive me ya'll, it's not right to laugh.. but picture the scene! He probably was happy and shit, talking on the phone 'til .Batman & "ROB HIM" showed up swinging like they in the circus! 

 

What the hell is going on in this world?!!! Mofos are flying thru the air like superman to rob people... 

Be careful out there!

 lol

Nip/Tuck- The Office Version

I'm here at work, working on some product 'ish when this idiot manager emails me some photos of herself from her New Year's gathering she calls me and tells me she wants me to photoshop her fuggin' kangaroo pouch and make her look like she's not carrying 6 lil babies in her effin' stomach... 

I say "ok" I'll work on it but she's squished up with 4 other people in the photo and there's not much more I can do but remove the bumps... 

I do the work and email them to her... she calls me "they're ok, but... can you make me look skinnier"

In my head I'm thinking "This bitch is giving me crack cocaine and expecting a polio vaccine!"

So I said to Nip/Tuck "Well since you are squished together in between 2 people that's gonna be kinda hard and I'll probably end up making your friends next to you look fat"... silence.. "I don't care about them" she laughs, "I just want to be thin".... "Ok" I say, she pleads "please work on me some more, pleeassse"  "Ok" I say... I hang up... So I create a false opening between her and the friend next to her in the photos, she looks thinner than the last photo... 

The effed up part is this bitch is worried about the width of her hips in the photos when her motherfuggin face and neck is more wrinkled than a damn bed sheet in a $5 hotel! Seriously... are your friends only going to say "she's fat" when they see your wide ass hips and totally ignore the fact that "Father Time" has done a break dance session all on ya face? No they will still be passing the picture around to their friends saying "can you believe how old she's gotten!" Bitch got more rings around her neck than a 100 year old tree! And she asking me to waste my time gettin' rid of her hips... If you gonna ask me to waste my time to photoshop fake space between u and your friend then ask me to photoshop less wrinkles on ya face!

Ass

Resolution #1

A new year always brings new resolutions... and of course to lose weight is always on the top of the list for many... such as my friend Tina who had a reality check this weekend... (names have been changed to protect the crazy)
Tina goes to a clothing store with her mother to buy some new blouses for work- she's not a small girl.. but has an interesting shape.. picture a ball on 2 sticks (the sticks being her leg). She's about a size 18 at least she was the last time I saw her.
Tina calls me last night and tells me "giiirrrlll I went to the store to get some new blouses for work and I take 4 shirts into the dressing room, I try the first one on and that shirt stopped MID BREAST!" I'm thinking to myself and then I say out loud to her "Dayammmmm"
So she goes and picks what she thought was the next size up- a 22- and takes them to the register and purchases them.. She gets home and looks at the shirts - " a size 24?" she screams, "This bitch switched my clothes!" As she's telling me I'm thinking "yeah because the salesperson really got it in for you, so much that she must switch ya damn clothes"
As she's huffing and puffing, an angel must've whispered in her ear... "Try on the clothes idiota." She tries on the shirts... Voila They Fit!
She's upset, embarrassed and calls me right then lamenting about how she's gone up 3 shirt sizes- usually I'm a bit more sympathetic but I couldn't hold on any longer "THREE SIZES UP?" I scream "DAYAM!" cuz I mean really- the last time I saw her was in the summer and she was a 18 then- but she's been eating pints of ice cream like they vitamins...
She says "I don't want to talk about it anymore, change the subject"... "ok, sorry" I say. But all the while I'm thinking - "3 sizes in like 6 months! At this rate she gonna need another zip code for her ass!!" So she moves on to chat about a belt for some shirt she wanted to buy etc... then mid sentence she says "What about the Grapefruit Diet? You think that works?" "Hell No" I scream- "STOP EATING SHIT FOODS!!" I continue "How about you try the "Let me stop eating a pint of ice cream a day before I need butter to squeeze my ass thru the door of my apartment" diet?" She laughed but was a lil annoyed, she couldn't see why I was yelling at her... but common sense must be applied here! If you were poppin' pints of ice cream like muthafuggin tic tacs, do you really think a Grapefruit diet is gonna work? After week 1 of grapefruit she'll be smotherin' that shit with chocolate sauce... let's not get extreme... it didn't take 1 month for ur ass to go up 3 sizes so it won't take 1 month for that shit to come off! Then she says to me "that's my New Year's resolution, to lose weight!"

Her resolution needs to be to put down the ice cream and pick up a vegetable...

Happy New Year!

Apple Cider is fo' Gangstas!

So I'm riding the #1 train downtown one afternoon and I'm standing there rocking to my itunes.. when I notice behind me there's "Someone" who seems to be a couple of fries short of a happy meal... I notice this person is a lil more loonier than usual from the stares and the way people come on the train and quickly move to get away, not to mention he's incessantly rocking and swaying even when the train is not in motion... Anyway, said Looney gets on about 125th...
I turn around to face him and have my back to the door- after all I'd rather fall out the door than be clobbered with a bottle of Ripple right?
So I'm now facing Loon... who by all accounts looks normal... young guy maybe 31, attractive... very concerned with his appearance...after all he's bent down twice to wipe the imaginary dirt off of his brand new Timberlands he probably got for Christmas from his Grandmama...
We cruise by a few stations and I see him taking swigs from this bottle... looks like champagne... others are aware of this as well and keep looking at him in amazement and disgust... as he takes 3 or 4 swigs from the bottle and appears to be drunk... I say to myself "he's bold to be drinking out in the public like that, must be crazy, looks like he's gonna finish that whole bottle by next stop.. damn, he's drunk or tipsy to say the least the way he's rockin' like that and lookin crazy..." He burps like he's had 12 brews... sexy... this one needs a date...
Then I notice... "hmmm the bottle looks familiar, I'm not a champagne drinker tho'... hmmmm.. why that look like... HOLD UP... this motherfugger is drinking MARTINELLI'S SPARKLING APPLE CIDER!.... "
Oh yeah you real gangsta... guess you got some motherfuggin' animal crackers in ya pocket too and Sesame street undies on ... ya bitch ass... you actin' like you drunk off of Apple Cider... bet ya Fiddy Cent would sign you up for his band of merry men... Scarface ain't got nothin' on you do he? bitch ass...

Remember kiddies, drink up the Apple Cider so you too can be a fake ass gangsta!

Shit happens... lol

Nice Saturday afternoon hubby is at work, nothing too eventful until a woman walks in with 2 children... One is about 3- a lil girl and the other is a 12 year old special needs boy...
"Oh boy" is right...
Side Note: hubby works at a place that sells like outdoor backyard equipment-clubhouses slides etc.
So the woman is looking at a particular set, and she puts the 12 year old in the swing and starts to push him... he seems to be ok... So hubby begins to talk to the lady about the pros of the set and price and how her kids would love it... "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" moans the 12 year old... hubby stops and looks at the boy who is on the swing, swinging gently but... he's holding his stomach and turning up his face... "uuuuhhhhhhhhhh" he moans again...
Hubby says "ma'am do you want to tend to him?" She says to him, clearly annoyed, "please, let's just focus on this, he's fine"... so hubby continues "The set comes with..." "UHHHHHHHHHHH" moans 12 year old and then a series of farts commence like trumpets in a band and a shit storm emerges from the kids backside as he's swinging... he's got shit on his back, there's shit on the swing, there's shit on the ground...
Hubby paused and looks at the woman and immediately says "the swing is $69.99"... After turning BEET red and fumbling...she hands him her credit card... he hands her clorox spray and a roll of paper towels... cuz he ain't touchin' shit! ... LITERALLY!
She buys the swing and cleans up and rushes the kids out the door... meanwhile the 3 year old is saying "Mommy, Teddy Poo-Poo? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Teddy Poo Poo?"...

No baby... Teddy Shit!

The Representative...

So Hubby got reconnected with an old family friend he knew from childhood recently and has been chatting it up with dude for about 2 weeks now...
Old boy is nice, however I get a funny feeling every time he's around... something in my gut just says- "this mofo is effed up!"
So last week, Old boy comes by-now hubby tells me he told him that he gets off of work at 6 but he'll be home by 7 so come by then... 6:01pm.. my intercom rings... WTF.. this mofo didn't turn back his clock on Daylight Savings or what!? So I answer- buzz dude in and so the foolishness begins...
He comes in- nothing awry, he's carrying 2 bags- claims the last time he showed up he came with "2 long arms" - I tell him, "that's nice, you didn't have to do that"... I get this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach like I don't trust dude AT ALL...
So I take his coat and tell him come in the dining room cuz I'm in the kitchen cooking... and I'm also thinking "Mofo I know you got velcro hands so I know I needs to keep an eye on your ass!"
So we get to chatting, dude tells me his life story, he rents a room in a halfway house, has no money, on welfare, and gets SSI ...WTF, this mofo is 28 years old... I think to myself.. LOSER... you ain't even 30 and you halfway housin' it AND on welfare- yeah you the prime bachelor....on muthafuggin Good Times!
Then he tells me "your husband recommended I apply for a job etc and I think he was upset b/c I told him I don't want to mess up my benefits" I say "What benefits?" cuz I'm thinkin' I KNOW your ass don't think welfare and SSI is a "Benefit" you lazy sack of ...
Anyway, he says "my SSI and welfare benefits"... nice... you bout as useful as a wet paper bag in the rain.. So he continues to talk... I tell him "well then don't have him waste his time trying to hook u up with a job if u are content with ur current status, it's up to you what you want to do with your life".. he's like "true" ... what a waste of breath and tax money...
So he's talkin and I'm in and out of listening... he starts to talk about his girlfriend- or ex girlfriend... here we go... so he tells me "she's into the fast life, gettin' that fast money"... I ask- trying to be polite... "are you 2 still together or what?" he says, "no, we're just friends but we got alot of money when we were together, I kind of acted as her representative"... My mind does a a rewind of the stories Hubby has told me about Old Boy... OH YEAH! I remember now... his ex-girl is a... PROSTITUTE!... so in other words you telling me that you was her PIMP!
Representative my ass! WTF is that?! I guess a drug dealer is a representative for the Pharmaceutical industry!? Fuck outta here with the bullshit! I tilt my head and give him the side eye... my gut intuition is now intense... cuz I knew there was something about this big headed bug-eyed mofo standing in my house... I just say "uh huh" as he tells me that she's into the fast money and he tried to get her to settle down... I wanted to scream IDIOT YOU CAN"T TURN A HO INTO A HOUSE WIFE!?
So I guess he sees the look of disgust on my face – lip turned up, eyes rolling usually causes one to clam up... but no he continues with the saga- "she was into drugs too and so was I" ...
Wait...
What?
YOU A DOPE HEAD TOO?! WHERE'S MY KNIFE!? I said to him "ok, I've heard enough..."
15 mins later.. hubby calls from downstairs and tells him to come down they had somewhere to go... I get Old Boy's coat and walk him to the door... he's standing facing me and I said "go down the stairs and to the exit on ur left" and then I slam the door while he's preparing to say something else...
I thought the foolishness was over... but oh how wrong I was...
Hubby and Old boy return with hubby's cousin... hubby's cousin looks a tad bit annoyed.. pulls me in the kitchen says "WTF is wrong with that dude?" I said "dunno.. what happened" He tells me that during a discussion about children, he shows Old Boy a pic of his daughter who is 15 and said to him "this is my daughter she's 15" to which Old Boy responds "Oh word? She's beautiful, you got any girls that look like her"... Cousin goes off -"Motherfucker what the fuck you just said I told you that was my 15 year old daughter ASS!" Old Boy retracts and says "oh I'm sorry, didn't mean it like that" ... yeah ok R.Kelly...
A lil later- Old Boy gets a call on his cell... it's some chick he's met online.. she's sent him a pic...
he asks "Can I check my email?" "Sure" hubby says... so he goes and checks his email... big ole pic of some fat girl comes up on the screen... hubby says "who the hell is that?"... he's like "this chic I'm talking to on the phone now"... so hubby shakes his head and leaves the room... but myself and the cousin are still in there ... we're watching t.v. and we hear Old Boy telling his life story about the halfway house and welfare to internet girl over the phone... we look at each other like "WTF"and we both leave the room...So maybe 15 minutes later, he's done with the call and we return to the living room, he asks hubby "how do you erase something on your computer?" Hubby says quickly... "you can't".. so shortly after Old Boy gets up and all of a sudden has to leave...we're all like OK... he leaves...
So I get on the computer after he leaves cuz I wanna see the pic he was looking at of old girl, so I check the history... wait a minute... TRANSEXUAL DATING ONLINE? excuse me?
I push my seat back and turn to hubby and his cousin and say "That mofo is into transsexuals?!"
They both do like Scooby Doo and say "argh?"
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT AT SOMEONE'S HOUSE? Searchin' for chicks with dicks is not something you do at ya friends house! If ya monkey ass ain't got a computer then go to the library with that shit or the internet cafe! Damn freak ass mofo!
So hubby is appalled and embarrassed...and apologizes profusely to me... I mean talk about taking a turn to the left side of the earth... so the next day he calls him and tells him "my wife came across something about transsexuals, yo you into that shit?" he says "oh no, I clicked on that by accident" Hubby says.. "Yo cut the bullshit, we could see that you have an account! If it was an accident it wouldn't have your username filled out in the address!!!" Dead silence... Then
he says "Please don't tell anybody in the family, tell your wife I'm so sorry, I'm so embarrassed"...Hubby says "Yo man, why you choose to do that shit at my house"... "I don't know" he says... Hubby hangs up on him...
I know why... cuz ya ass was crazy and trying to send us signals that you wanted to bang my husband and his cousin... freak nasty ass...
Needless to say... he ain't welcomed in my house NO MORE!